AEW Rampage: Haikus in Review-Part Deux

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

AEW Rampage: Haikus in Review-Part Deux
Courtesy of AEW

It’s Friday night and you know what that means? No, not to shoot down balloons. It’s time for AEW Rampage and in the main event, Orange Cassidy will defend his AEW All-Atlantic championship against (checks notes)…Lee Moriarty?

*Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!*

I didn’t want to do this. I really didn’t. But it looks like AEW doesn’t care about how my Friday nights are spent, so it’s time for Haikus in Review™, Part Deux.

We head to the El Paso County Coliseum, in El Paso, TX. Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, Chris Jericho, and Jim Rose have the call, and the First Match of the night is…

Courtesy of AEW

The Blackpool Combat Club (Claudio Castagnoli, Jon Moxley, Wheeler Yuta) vs. The Blade, Kip Sabian, and The Butcher

*ahem*

Kip, Blade, and Butcher

Look tough. Blackpool Combat Club.

Uppercuts for win.

Your Winners via Pinfall: The Blackpool Combat Club

We get a Darby Allin video promo, and he won’t challenge Samoa Joe while he holds the TNT championship. Until then, according to Sting, they’re going out in a blaze of glory.

Ok, so…They going Thelma and Louise, or…?

Moving along, Renee Paquette will have an exclusive interview next week with Adam Coke, Bay-bay.

Ricky Starks addresses the sneak attack by Chris Jericho. He is Absolute for a reason and promises Daniel Garcia he will find out the hard way next week.

Now for (and I use the term VERY loosely) “comedy,” it’s two-thirds of the Impractical Jokers, James Murray and Brian Quinn, and they still have Chris Jericho’s bat, Floyd. So here’s a Haiku in Review™ of this segment:

Teasing Jericho

Is Impractical. They get

Tabled for their “joke.”

(Author’s Rant: You’re Welcome for not making me recap that stupid segment in detail, and it probably would have been better if, y’know, we cared about them. Also, Impractical Jokers is stupid. There, I said it.)

Lexy Nair in a backstage segment spoke with Dustin Rhodes about Swerve Strickland disrespecting him and his family. He crossed the line, and Rhodes has been doing this for five decades. Strickland will not tarnish his family’s name, and he’s coming for his blood and soul and he wants it now. Then, Parker Bordreaux and Trench come out to teach Rhodes a lesson, and the numbers game catches up with The Natural. Swerve comes out and issues a challenge next week for Rampage. Happy Black History Month.

Next, we get…

Courtesy of AEW

Ruby Soho vs. Marina Shafir (with Vickie Guerrero)

*ahem*

Problem solved with

Destination Unknown, and

Soho stands tall.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Ruby Soho

After the match, Toni Storm and Saraya tried to recruit Soho, but Britt Baker and Jamie Hayter come out to attack. It’s a regular schmozzfest, and Soho looks on in exasperation.

I feel, ya, Soho. I really do.

Lexy Nair is backstage with Mark Briscoe who’s feeling really good after his debut match a few weeks ago against Jay Lethal, and “Smart” Mark Sterling comes out offering to represent him. Brisco says no, and Sterling condescendingly says he should reconsider and make money with him rather than be “a poor chicken farmer.” Them’s fighting words, and as Briscoe places his hands on Sterling, Josh Woods gets in the middle. Briscoe is all, “Woodsy! Long time!”, as Woods tells him this ain’t Sandy Fork and to know his place.

Our next match is…

“Jungle Boy” Jack Perry vs. “The Hollywood Hunk” Ryan Nemeth

*ahem*

Poor Man’s Ziggler is

no Showoff. gives

Elbow strike. Bye Hunk!

Your Winner via Pinfall: “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry

This brings our Brian Cage and Prince Nana, and they eyeball Perry and make threatening gestures.

Ortiz says he sees Eddie Kingston’s point, even after getting beaten down with a chair. He doesn’t want Eddie to be a martyr to The House of Black and will be in his corner, even if he doesn’t want his help.

Renee Paquette is with Hangman Adam Page asking about his recent loss to Jon Moxley. Page wonders why is she here to interview him whenever there is a loss (and as a journalist, even I have to agree: that presents a case of conflict of interest). As Page says it’s far from over, Kip Sabien and Penelope Ford come into the picture and wonder why he is moaning. Page leaves in disgust before he beats his ass.

Sorry, Mark Henry, but I’m tired and cranky and it’s time for the Main Event and it’s for the….

AEW All-Atlantic Championship: Orange Cassidy (with Danhausen)(c) vs. Lee Moriarty (with Stokely Hathaway)

*ahem*

Taiga Style meets the

King of Sloth Style, and rollup

Has Cassidy win.

Your Winner, and Still AEW All-Atlantic Champion: Orange Cassidy

As Cassidy and Danhausen celebrate in the ring, Satnam Singh comes out on the ramp. As Cassidy expects another fight, Jeff Jarrett and Jay Lethal attack from behind, and then the numbers game catches up. Now the Best Friends come to even the odds, but they cannot take on the power of Singh.

All looks lost until “Daddy Ass” Billy Gunn and The Acclaimed come to make the save and now Jarrett, Lethal and company flee from the ring, but not before we get an announcement that next week on Dynamite all parties involved will be in an eight-man tag team match as the show goes to credits.

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