AEW Dynamite: Things Happened for Reasons

Thomas Starr

Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay on AEW Dynamite on Wednesday, May 29, 2024 in Los Angeles, Calif. AEW photo by Ricky Havlik
Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay on AEW Dynamite on Wednesday, May 29, 2024 in Los Angeles, Calif. AEW photo by Ricky Havlik

It’s Wednesday night and you know what that means? Yes, it’s time once again for the foreign language broadcast of professional wrestling. Yes, most of the words are English we’ve just never heard them in this order. It’s Dynamite!

Unknown people will show up. Everyone will have a title belt. There will be at least two five-star matches (maybe even a six-star with Orange Cassidy on the card). And we are sure to have some highbrow comedy. It’s a mystery comedy show! Now to the unknown luchador (maybe?) leading our broadcast! Take it away!

Let’s play a game of count the belts, shall we?

Oh, and I have my confusion meter up and running.

Swerve is out first. His entrance music is terrible, but he’s a star. Taz mentions that Nana’s underwear is showing. I laughed.

AEW World Champion, Swerve Strickland, in-ring interview.

Belt: 1

Swerve hypes the title match (one of 12 titles) at Forbidden Door. He refers to Will Ospreay as “Billy Goat.” Haha. I want to know where Swerve got his sunglasses. He hypes the main event of Fenix vs. Ospreay. He mentions the EVPs and here comes the Cosplay NWO.

Swerve was good on the mic, so it’s a good thing the Bucks and Okada interrupted him. Why hype your PPV main event when you can get Nicky talking about bots and trolls?

Nicky challenges for a Blood and Guts match. Now Matty has the mic. He’s making his Batman voice. So good. He asks Swerve if he wants to “change the world.” Which means joining them in Blood and Guts. Even though he made fun of them a few minutes earlier. Oh good, some comedy. Matty offers him a pair of the Bucks’ shoes as enticement. Swerve throws them into the audience. That was funny.

Bucks threaten Swerve. The Acclaimed come out for the save. Here’s the discount Adam Pearce (Chris Daniels). He stops everyone from fighting by standing on the entrance way and looking at them sternly. Then says Perry needs to get ready for his match with Dustin.

Dustin Runnells vs. Jack Perry – TNT Championship Qualifying Match

Not quite a belt, but in a tournament for a belt. Close. And Dustin, like a good babyface, chokes Perry with his belt within the first minute. The turnbuckle is off one of the corners. Perry takes Dustin to the outside and uses the ring stairs. Now he’s pulled up the matting around ringside. Is this No DQ? No idea. And Dustin is bleeding. It’s good to get in some blood early so the more you see it the more impact it will have. Especially in this incredibly intense feud.

Aubrey takes a chair from Perry. So, the rules are back in effect. Perry teases the V-Trigger. Isn’t that Omega’s move? Why here with Dustin? Dustin with a nice babyface comeback. Now he sets up Perry to kick him in the mommy-daddy button. We’ve seen this move a million times, but Aubrey falls for the old I have a chair take the chair so I can kick his mommy-daddy button routine.

Perry is such a tough guy. Kicked low and still kicks out. Perry throws Dustin into the exposed buckle. Good thing he had already bladed otherwise that would have looked dangerous. Earlier, the two wrestlers were outside for minutes at a time. Now she’s counting Dustin out. So, the rules are back in effect. Somehow Aubrey didn’t see Perry kick Dustin in the mommy-daddy button. Perry hits Dustin with a knee and wins.

Winner: Jack Perry and, of course, the fans.

Confusion meter: High. What are the rules here? And why was Dustin blading in an opening match against Jack Perry? Do they want us to think Perry is a tough guy?

Backstage interview with Orange Cassidy, Mark Briscoe, and Kyle O’Reilly. Orange doesn’t know who has his back. Except one person. (The monotone delivery really helps Orange look like a star). In walks Willow Nightengale. She has Orange’s back. Mark Briscoe gives a fantastic promo. I don’t know what he said, but it was good. Everyone laughs afterwards and the camera lingers on them so long it’s no longer funny. Good job.

Rush vs. Deonn Rusman

No belt. Belt count still 1. Rush is upset that MJF is back and getting a match for a title? I think. Rush is absolutely destroying this guy. And I mean that literally. He threw him into the railing around ringside and I would not be surprised if the guy is injured from it. Rush intimidates Justin Roberts and grabs the mic. He yells, “Shut up!” To an audience that is mostly silent. Okay. He makes fun of Americans. Okay.

Winner: Rush

Confusion meter: Low. It was a squash that setup the fight afterwards. The only thing that’s confusing is why MJF and Rush don’t like each other. They said something about Rush not liking MJF being injured? Okay.

MJF with a surprise appearance. Rush and MJF fight. Rush just punches him right in the face. Then people come to separate them and Rush punches one of them right in the face. Someone let him know it’s a work.

They’re fighting in the crowd now. So, this is a blood feud apparently. Why? The fight goes backstage. MJF puts Rush through a table, which Rush no-sells. Of course.

They separate the two men and we have breaking news. MJF and Rush will face off next week. Wow that decision happened fast! You go, Tony!

Mark Briscoe/Orange Cassidy/Kyle O’Reilly vs. Kyle Fletcher/Roderick Strong/Konosuke Taekshita

Two more title belts in this one, Briscoe is the ROH World Champion and Kyle Fletcher is the ROH World TV Champion.

Belts: 3.

The charismatic Orange Cassidy is out to a roar from the crowd. The announcers explain why these three are teaming. Just kidding, they don’t know either. Trent Barretta is not wrestling with his group instead Roderick Strong is teaming with them. Why? They ask Don Callis and he says, “It takes a village.” Uh, okay.

So far, they’re tagging in and out, so I’m assuming the rules are in effect here. Briscoe begs the crowd to cheer. Takeshita walking the dog on Orange Cassidy.

Don Callis: “I have told Takeshita to hurt Orange Cassidy.”

Tony Schiavone: “Why!?”

Isn’t the Callis family in a feud with Orange? So, maybe that’s why?

Everyone gathers outside like quails. And of course someone jumps on them. I’ve never seen that spot. Schiavone called these guys “six of the best athletes in AEW.” Ummmm.

Orange Cassidy sold through the picture-in-picture commercial. He makes his own comeback and gives Reilly and iceberg tag. So far, they’ve followed the rules. It’s starting to break down a little bit. I don’t know what’s happening, but the screen keeps going black. Someone making a gesture?

Cassidy hits a top rope DDT (It looked like it killed him), but Fletcher is just too tough and kicks out at 2. Then within seconds he’s up cleaning house. Now everyone is giving everyone finishers and kicking out. Cassidy hits the worst Stun Dog Millionaire I’ve ever seen.

No one has any idea who’s legal. Fletcher brainbusters Cassidy on the top rope. But suddenly we find out Cassidy isn’t the legal man. How could anyone know that when they’ve all been in the ring for five minutes just doing move after move?

Crowd with the Pavlovian “this is awesome!” chant. Fletcher hits a piledriver and wins. Trent beats up an unconscious Cassidy. Willow’s music plays, because you can’t come out to save someone from a beating unless your music plays. No Willow. Oh, there she is. Being beaten by Kris Statlander. So, they’re in a feud too. Okay.

Winners: Fletcher/Takeshita/Strong

Confusion meter: Very high. Why are these three men teaming against the Don Callis family? Don’t know. Roderick Strong is also here. Why is he with Callis? The announcers don’t know. Let’s just leave it to reasons.

Who is in who’s group? Trent came out with Callis, but then Stokeley comes out with Statlander. Willow wanted to protect Cassidy from Trent. So, is Trent with Callis or Stokely?

Rey Fenix is in the back with Rene. Only it’s not an interview. He’s standing behind Rene while Rene tells us what he had said earlier in the day. Okay. She sends it to a hype package for Shingo Takagi. He’s coming to the Owen Hart Tournament. AND he has a belt as well.

Belt: 4

Discount Adam Pearce is standing in the back looking off in the distance then makes a dramatic turn to announce some matches. Discount Pearce announces they’re removing seconds (managers, friends, family, in-laws) from ringside for the Bucks match next week. They can’t do this all the time?

Hook and Joe in the back. Some witty banter between the two. The Premier Athletes are standing awkwardly on the entrance ramp. Joe and Hook attack them. Shibata has the camera? That’s what the announcers said. I have no idea what’s going on.

Hook and Samoa Joe vs. Premier Athletes (who?)

We’re in the ring now. Not sure if Shibata has the camera still or not. And also why? We had a jump start and now we’re settling into tags and following the rules. So, the rules are back in effect, everyone. Xcalibur tells us that the Premier Athletes have racked up victory after victory in…ROH. Okay. I recognize Tony Neese, but I don’t know who the other guy is.

Joe chokes the other guy, while Hook chokes Neese. Shibata is at ringside choking the manager. I honestly don’t know who that was and the announcers never said who he was.

Winners: Joe and Hook

Confusion meter: Very high. No idea who two participants were. No idea why Samoa Joe and Hook jumped them on the entrance ramp. No idea why the three men were just standing there on the entrance ramp.

Stephanie Vaquer promo. She wants to win the TBS Title. She’s champion of somewhere. NJPW Strong? I thought she was in CMLL? Someone tell me what’s happening.

Mercedes out with the piped in “CEO, CEO!” chants. It’s kind of sad when that piped in chant stops and the silence kicks in.

Mercedes Mone vs. Zeuxis – TBS Championship

Belts: 5.

This long-awaited title defense is happening on free TV! For the millions of you who are old and out-of-touch, Zeuxis is the GOAT of Women’s Lucha Libre. I cannot even tell you how many titles she’s had.

No video telling us who Zeuxis is. The announcers say she’s from CMLL. They also say Mercedes doesn’t know Zeuxis lineage. Anyone else not know that lineage?

Mercedes vs. Stephanie Vaquer is title for title. Vaquer is the NJPW Strong Women’s Champion. Okay. Oh, unless Zeuxis wins here. Then it’s Vaquer vs. Zeuxis.

Mercedes also begs the crowd to cheer. It is very quiet. Mercedes hits a nice looking Meteora off the top ropes. Of course, Zeuxis kicks out. Mercedes does the “three amigos” but Zeuxis reverses into a lung blower. Kick out. Mercedes ends it with the Monemaker.

Winner: Mercedes Mone

Confusion meter: Moderate. Who is Zeuxis? Why should I care? Why is she getting a title match? Otherwise, it was a match and it was there.

Video package for Mina Shirakawa. Mariah May is also in this. Mina is a 5x Stardom champion, whatever that is. Of course, we also get a girl-on-girl kiss in time for Pride Month. That’s in no way gratuitous like those awful Eric Bischoff segments back in the day, right?

Toni Storm is in the back petting Mariah May and smelling her hair. They talk about a contract signing next week with Mina. So, Mina is getting a title shot against Mariah’s mentor? Maybe? Okay.

TV Time with Learning Tree Chris Jericho with guests Private Party

The Redwood is in the ring. That’s what they are calling Big Bill. Now here comes the “Socrates of AEW” Chris Jericho. The crowd is eerily quiet. Jericho is doing the disingenuous heel act. There is a smattering of boos. He shows off a shirt. There’s a cowboy in the ring. Who is that?

Jericho is telling us how to grow corn. I’m not kidding. He goes into detail about growing corn. He calls out Private Party. Their party has been so private, we haven’t seen them in years. See what I did there? Hey, it’s better than telling you how to grow corn.

Jericho tells Private Party to not drink and drive. I’m not making any of this up. Jericho points out how Private Party doesn’t win matches. That will get them over. Point out their flaws, excellent. Party gets a pop for saying the city name. Then calls Jericho the “Caitlin Clark of AEW.” What?

Jericho claims they don’t know how to climb the ropes. Jericho is showing them how to climb the ropes. I’m not kidding. This is what happened. Private Party attacks Jericho. I guess they didn’t want to learn how to climb the ropes. They clear the ring.

What was that?

Confusion meter: Highest of the night. What was that?

Immediately, we go to a Moxley package about the IWGP Title.

Belts: 6.

Moxley is facing Naito at Forbidden Door. Great.

The Bang Bang Bullet Club Gang is in the back. Well, three of them and a cardboard cutout of Jay White. Juice Robinson is awesome. He comes off like a guy you’d fine in a Walmart parking lot gnawing on a rat. They’re challenging the House of Black for a bunch of titles. Trios belts? Yet there’s six belts.

Belts: 12

Daniel Garcia vs. Nick Comoroto

Daddy Magic (Who???) is on commentary. Ospreay is in the back watching the tv screen while standing sideways. Working on that peripheral vision. Garcia wins. Then celebrates in the crowd. Okay.

Winner: Garcia

Confusion meter: Moderate. Ospreay and MJF were watching this match in the back. Why? Daniel Garcia just randomly comes out for an unannounced match. Why? Were they running short? Why did they bother with Daddy Magic on commentary for a match that lasted a minute? I have questions.

Pac is in the back. He tells us he’s a loser and a “b—-.” But he’s going to win the Owen Hart Tournament to change that. Wow.

Will Ospreay comes out and the crowd blows. He’s a star. This is the loudest they’ve been since Swerve was out almost two hours ago. Swerve is standing in the crowd. For reasons, I guess. Why not the commentary desk? Or sit down?

Rey Fenix vs. Will Ospreay – AEW International Title

Belts: 13

Schiavone says we have an overrun tonight. Noooooo! Don’t they have one every week?

They exchange forearms that no one else does. Some great athleticism early. Fenix did the rope walk. Hey that’s Kommander’s thing!

Swerve has taken a seat, for those who were worried about his legs swelling. Back and forth match. Some really impressive athleticism as expected. Ospreay looks at Swerve then does Swerve’s finish to win.

Winner: Will Ospreay

Confusion meter: Low. This was straight forward and was pretty good.

Swerve confronts Ospreay. He says Will isn’t strong enough to hold both titles. Ospreay then grabs the title from Swerve and puts both on his shoulders. The crowd is very mixed here. It feels like they don’t want to see these two fight. Not that they think the match wouldn’t be good, that they don’t want someone to lose.

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