AEW Dynamite: Bland and Guts

Bob Kapur

AEW Dynamite: Bland and Guts

At one point during AEW Dynamite on Wednesday night, the Blood and Guts match was described as being the most dangerous match in all of professional wrestling. But the only real danger in watching the main event between The Elite and Team AEW was the danger of being bored.

Seemingly held only to maintain the tradition of holding the match annually, rather than serving as the climactic finale of a lengthy, exciting, and dramatic feud, the match was further hampered by the dubious elevation to the main event of the Acclaimed and the spotlight on a non-AEW regular (Mark Briscoe, who is rarely and barely featured on AEW programming… though to be fair, he was the only real good part of the match).

At least it paid off with an exciting and mind-blowing finish, right?

Yeah, no.

It was a lame ending to a lame match on an otherwise lame episode.

Speaking of lame, Alex Marvez kicked off the show, standing in the hotel parking garage trying to get words from Will Ospreay who was trying to rush to the arena. Will didn’t have time to talk, saying he’d make his statement in front of the live crowd. But then he noticed that his car had a flat tire – sabotage, perhaps? Ospreay demanded Marvez hand over his car keys, and they both piled into the car and drove off.

MJF addresses the crowd

A cheerleading squad introduced the new International Champion, who said that Ospreay didn’t hit him with the Tiger Driver last week because Ospreay is gutless. MJF then threw out a threat to AEW World Champion Swerve Strickland, saying that he hadn’t forgotten about that title, and he will be coming for that one again.

MJF then suggested that Ospreay kill himself and then insulted Ospreay’s dead grandmother. He then told Ospreay to come out to the ring and fight him, knowing that Ospreay was having vehicular problems.

MJF said that he has no use for the current incarnation of the International Championship belt because nobody who held it – until him – wasn’t the best wrestler in the world and didn’t represent the best country in the world, the USA. He threw the title into a garbage can. He uncovered a new title, with a USA-themed design, and christened it as the American Championship.

The crowd started a “USA” chant, but MJF said that the title doesn’t represent the garbage people in the garbage city of Nashville, but rather the best city in the world, Plainview, Long Island in New York. He called himself an American Hero. Patriotic music played, and an American flag unfurled from the ceiling, with the stars replaced by his face.

Ospreay then ran in and chased MJF out of the ring. Ospreay said that nobody was buying MJF’s BS. He said that MJF knew that he couldn’t beat Ospreay last week, so had to cheat. Ospreay then dropped a bomb. He said he’d met with Tony Khan and Christopher Daniels, and they’ve granted him a rematch at All In on Ospreay’s home soil in England. MJF was, unsurprisingly, not pleased.

In the back, they were going to do the coin toss to determine which team would have the advantage in tonight’s Blood and Guts main event. Team Elite, less Hangman Page, were standing around Christopher Daniels, who appeared to be knocked out. They flipped their own coin, and won the advantage. Then they showed the camera they’d used a two-headed coin.

Match 1: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Minoru Suzuki – for the FTW Championship

This was the “guts” portion of the episode, as these two pudgy old men went at it. They exchanged about a hundred chops to start the match, and the crowd started a “Fight forever!” chant, and it certainly felt like that. After a picture-in-picture full of nothing but more chops, Jericho broke the pattern with a kick and a clothesline and then the match spilled to the floor.

They exchanged chair shots and fought around ringside for a while and then back in the ring where Suzuki tried for a finger submission. After a forearm exchange, they both went for submissions. Jericho finally hit a desperate low blow and pinned Suzuki to retain the FTF Championship.

As Jerico celebrated, Suzuki popped up to his feet, grabbed Jericho, and hit him with a Gotch Piledriver. Bryan Keith and Big Bill ran in and attacked Suzuki until Shibata ran in and beat them up.

Remember those “Bum Fights” DVDs from back in the day? This made me want to watch those instead.

Winner, and still FTW Champion: Chris Jericho

In the back, Renee Paquette tried to interview Willow Nightingale to talk about her winning the CMLL Women’s Championship, but before Willow could say anything, she was distracted by Stokley Hathaway and attacked by Kris Statlander. Kris beat up Willow and left her laying on a bunch of equipment cases. Stokely then laid down a challenge for an Eliminator match between the two women next week.

A video aired from an interview Renee was doing with Bryan Danielson about his upcoming All In match where he will challenge Swerve Strickland for the AEW World Championship. Jeff Jarrett came up to Bryan and told him that while he was disappointed he didn’t win the Owen Hart Tournament, he was glad that Danielson did. Jarrett told Danielson that he has to be fully committed to winning the title, both physically and mentally. Jarrett told him that a lot of people believe in Danielson, Jeff included.

Match 2: Britt Baker vs. Hikaru Shida

This is Baker’s first match since her ten-month absence due to injury. She tried for some quick pins early on, but Shida wasn’t going to lose that easily. The match spilled to the floor and Shida took over, beating her up for a while (I won’t complain about the lack of a referee’s count because I’ve long given up on believing AEW referees know, much less care about enforcing the rules).

Back in the ring, Baker came back with a Slingblade that surprised Shida, but not for long, as Shida then tried to lock on some submission moves. They had a brief exchange of rollup attempts, and after nearly getting pinned, Shida considered grabbing a Singapore cane from the corner, but ultimately didn’t. Maybe she should have, because shortly thereafter, Baker hit her with a Neckbreaker and then submitted her with the Lockjaw.

After the match, Mercedes Mone came out to the entrance ramp and said that she would not accept Baker’s challenge for a Women’s Championship match at All In. With her attention focused on Mone, Baker didn’t see Kamille run into the ring and clobber her from behind, knocking her silly. Kamile put Baker in the Torture Rack and dropped her hard to the mat, and then Kamille and Mone celebrated their heinous actions.

The match was fine. Great to see Kamille in a major company, though hitching her wagon to Mone’s falling star is probably not going to help her much.

Winner: Britt Baker

In the back, Christian and the Patriarchy spoke. Christian said that Nick Wayne would become a double champion soon. As part of the Trios Champions (they won them on Collision) and soon as the World Champion, as Nick is entered into the Royal Rampage on Friday, with the winner becoming the number one contender. Christian told Wayne to cut a solo promo, and he, Killswitch, and Mama Wayne left. As Nick was talking, he saw Kip Sabian standing there and said nobody cares about Sabian’s father having died.

Match 3: PAC vs. Boulder (of the Iron Savages)

Boulder looks like he’s about 1.5x the size of PAC. But about .25X the wrestler. PAC pretty much squashed him after hitting some strikes, including a big Missile Dropkick off the top, and a Brainbuster for the pin.

This was like an 80s Saturday morning TV match.

Winner PAC

In the back, Team AEW cut a promo about the upcoming Blood and Guts match. There was tension between Darby Allin and Swerve, and then the Acclaimed and Swerve, as they all seemed to have their own agendas going into the match, though all of those agendas involved getting revenge on the Elite. Blessed are the peacemakers – in this case, Mark Briscoe, who said they all need to put their own differences aside and focus on beating the Elite.

Match 4: Mariah May vs. Kaitland Alexis

May hit a huge dropkick at the bell and then a Missile Dropkick. She hit May Day, but instead of going for the cover, hit a Hip Attack a-la Toni Storm, and got the pin, in your second squash of the night.

After the match, Toni Storm’s music hit, and May looked scared, but when nobody came out, May laughed, having pranked the fans into thinking Storm would come out. But the prank was on her, as someone with dark hair and wearing a black uniform slid into the ring. She ripped off the wig to reveal it was Toni Storm. They exchanged punches until some referees broke it up. Though held back, Toni was still able to grab a mic and screamed “Are you prepared to die? Because I am!” at May.

This was fine. Actually, this was probably the best match on the show so far, even though (because?) it lasted only a couple of minutes. And the post-match stuff was fine in building the tension before their All In match.

Winner: Mariah May

A hype video aired for the Blood and Guts match, which is up next.

Match 5: Team Elite (Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson, Kazuchika Okada, Jack Perry, and Hangman Adam Page) vs. team AEW (Max Castor, Anthony Bowens, Darby Allin, Mark Briscoe, and Swerve Strickland) – Blood and Guts

I have mixed feelings about reviewing this match. I do love deathmatches (they do call me “Bloodthirsty” after all). But I can’t stand anything about the Young Bucks, and normally will change the channel any time they’re on TV. For the sake of this recap, I’ll grit my teeth and ride it out.

Jack Perry entered the double-cages first. As Allin made his way into the cage as the first member of his team, Perry bull-rushed him, sending Allin tumbling down the ring steps and to the floor. Perry then Powerbombed Allin against the outside cage wall, and then drove him hard into the ring steps, and sent Allin tumbling into the crowd.

They fought through the crowd, where Darby gained control, and he eventually brought the action back into the ring. He threw Perry into the ring first, which was a dopey move, since that’s where a bunch of weapons were strewn about. Allin then double-downed on his dopiness, walking into the ring empty-handed. And got smashed in the head with a garbage can. Dope. Perry then choked Allin with a rope, and then ran Allin head-first into the garbage can that Perry had wedged into the corner. Not sure it wouldn’t be more effective to simply continue to choke him unconscious with the rope, but nobody ever accused Perry of being smart either.

Allin fought back, as one does when they’re not unconscious, just in time for Nick Jackson to enter the match. He and Perry double-teamed Allin, wedging Allin between the ring and the cage and taking shots at him there, and then in the ring when he broke loose. They choked him some more with the rope (again, why stop?) and then Mark Briscoe came in to try to elevate things.

Briscoe used his explosiveness to punish both Perry and Jackson, pummeling them both with his body, a ladder, and some combinations thereof. He and Allin were well in control when it was time for Matt Jackson to enter.

We finally got the blood in this match, when the Elite busted open Mark Briscoe, slicing his head open with a briefcase shot and then scraping his head against the fence. The Elite used their 3-on-2 edge to beat up Briscoe and Allin until Anthony Bowens came in, and fared well until he was blasted with a flying briefcase shot.

The Elite looked like they were back in control, but a neat reversal of a double-team move saw Briscoe and Allin thwart an EVP Driver with a huge Stunner off the top rope and a Skateboard Stomp. Bowens then scissored Perry – literally – by stabbing Perry in the head repeatedly with a pair of them.

Okada was next to come in, and he used his Continental Championship belt effectively as a weapon. Personally, I might have gone with a chainsaw or an axe or something, but with some targeted swings, he was able to knock down all his opponents. Maybe THEY should have used a chainsaw or an axe. Okada hit Briscoe with a Tombstone Piledriver and then kicked him low.

Castor was in next to even things up, and he used a chain and then a chair to bring the pain. He then pulled out a barbed wire board, but Bowens was the one who got dumped onto it. The Elite then sandwiched Bowens between two barbed wire boards and hit Swanton on them. Ouch.

The Elite then tried to end Castor’s rap career by shoving a bunch of thumbtacks into his mouth and hitting him with double superkicks. At this point, the Elite were dominating, and feeling a bit cocky when it was time for Hangman Page to make his way into the match.

They happily turned their attention to the ramp when his music hit. But like Marvin the Martian’s kaboom (or Kenny Omega / Jon Moxley’s barbed wire explosion), he didn’t appear. As they continued to watch the ramp for any sign of him, the members of Team AEW recovered, and the fight was back on.

Team AEW took over, using various weapons to take over, and were in control when Strickland (with Prince Nana) came down the ramp.

But as they did, Page did appear, running down the ramp behind them, and blasting Swerve with a chair to the back of the head. Page then handcuffed both of Swerve’s arms to the outside cage wall and took a bunch of free shots at him, just wailing away with punches to Swerve’s head.

This angered one of the Bucks and he grabbed a mic and told Page that they’d made a deal. He ordered Page to enter the cage and fight with the rest of Team Elite or they’d fire him. Page glared at the Buck, but did what he was told.

Despite Strickland still not having entered the cage (because he was still handcuffed to the outside cage wall), the Bucks demanded that the ref ring the bell, officially kicking off the portion of the match where it can actually be won – as a reminder, by submission only.

Page and Okada had some words and got into a bit of a shoving match, and this allowed Team AEW to capitalize on the dissension. But not for long, as Team Elite regained control during the picture-in-picture.

Jeff Jarrett then came down the rampway with a guitar, but Brandon Cutler tried to stop him. “Daddy Ass” Billy Gunn then joined them on the ramp and taunted Cutler with a DX crotch chop. As Cutler reacted to that, he ate an El Kabong guitar shot by Jarrett. Jarrett and Gunn uncuffed Strickland, and then Nana gave Strickland some bolt cutters so he could cut his way through the cage, and he officially joined the match.

Fresh and angry, Strickland laid down punishment on all of the Team Elite members, saving his anger especially for Hangman Page. In a neat moment, as all of the other participants had been laid out, sworn enemies Page and Strickland stared at each other from across the two cages, leading to a “Holy s—!” chant from the crowd.

They approached each other, circling around like two lions about to fight (do lions do that, or am I thinking of another animal?) and then slugged it out in the no-man’s land between the two rings.

The action then picked up with everyone back up, hitting various moves on, and using various weapons against each other.

The Bucks opened up one of the briefcases they’d brought in, and pulled out a bunch of staple guns, which they all used on Swerve after swarming him. He absorbed all the pain and fought back, returning the staple shots in various painful places.

During the picture-in-picture, the fight somehow spilled out of the cage and onto the entrance ramp, and tables were set up on the floor outside the ring, four of them stacked up like double-bunk-beds. Apparently, during the PIP, Strickland and Page fought their way up the entrance stage and sent each other crashing down, presumably into a black hole because they were never seen again. Stupid way to end the night for the World Champion, not even doing the big spot on TV with commentary.

A Buck (I don’t really care which one is which, they’re pretty much interchangeable anyway) and Anthony Bowens then fought their way up the cage wall, and when they got to the top, the Buck smashed Castor’s head off the side of the cage, and he went crashing through the tables.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Briscoe was paying tribute to his brother, delivering Jay Drillers to all of Team Elite who were still in the cage. He set up some tables and climbed up the cage wall, and put a Buck through the table with a FroggyBow. Allin then climbed the wall, scaled his way halfway across the ceiling, and then dropped straight down onto Perry on a table with a Super Coffin Drop.

Then Castor pulled out the second of the Bucks’ briefcases which contained a bunch of handcuffs. He, Briscoe, and Allin then went about handcuffing Perry to the wall of the cage and a Buck to the ropes, effectively eliminating them as threats. Briscoe smacked Perry with a Singapore cane and then delivered a wicked chair shot to his head. Perry, out on his feet, would not (or maybe COULD not?) quit.

Allin then went under the ring and grabbed a gas canister and a sparker. He doused Perry with the gas, and told him he would light Perry on fire unless he quit. He also demanded a shot at Perry’s TNT Championship. Still, Perry would not quit.

The handcuffed Buck tried to negotiate with Allin, and used his EVP authority to agree to grant Allin the title match at All In. But Allin wasn’t satisfied and told the Buck to quit or he would light up Perry. The Buck, having no other choice to save his buddy, said that they quit, ending the match with an anti-climatic whimper.

The show ended shortly thereafter with a wide shot of the ring. No shot of the winners celebrating, no shot of the overall carnage, and with the World Champion seemingly having disappeared from the scene entirely.

This had a few good moments – pretty much anything Mark Briscoe did – but was otherwise pretty lame.

Winners: Team AEW

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