AEW Collision (and Rampage): Starks attempts to be an Absolute champion over CM Punk

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

AEW Collision (and Rampage): Starks attempts to be an Absolute champion over CM Punk
CM Punk ANd Rickt "The Dragon" Steamboat share a moment, as Ricky Starks is distraught.

It’s Saturday night and it’s still all right for fighting. All Elite Wrestling brings a barn burner with three championships on the line, but the Main Event will have Ricky Starks go toe to toe with CM Punk for the “Real” World Heavyweight title on the line. Will the Absolute One make a Punk out of the champ, especially when Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat will keep a close eye on the action as a special enforcer?

We’ll find out later in the show, but first, this is your…

Rapid Rampage in Review

No, Virginia. there will be no rhymes this time. As I mentioned in my recap for AEW Dynamite, I almost wanted to do a real review of AEW Rampage.

The key word here is “almost.”

But it wasn’t a complete loss of a show, and I will not spend any more time than is needed. So here’s what happened:

  • The Hardys & Keith Lee defeated The Butcher, The Blade, and Kip Sabian
  • Swerve Strickland & AR Fox (with Prince Nana) defeated Jobbers Du Jour Logan Cruz & Tyshaun Perez
  • Anna Jay (with Matt Menard and Angelo Parker) defeated Skye Blue to gain a title shot with AEW Women’s Champion Hikaru Shida

But the Main Event featured the much-ballyhooed Parking Lot Match with…

Courtesy of AEW

Best Friends (Chuck Taylor and Trent Beretta) and Orange Cassidy vs. The Blackpool Combat Club (Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, and Jon Moxley)

If you recall a few years ago the bloody spectacle between Santana and Ortiz against the Best Friends, then you know this upped the ultra-violence, you magnificent Droogs.

The big moments had Moxley and Beretta fighting on top of a compact car and he nails Beretta with a Death Rider on the windshield. Taylor siphoned gas from another car to light a barbed wire two by four. Yuta stopped him and Taylor hesitated swinging at his former Friend, and then Mox took the board and slammed it into his stomach, as Yuta drove a screwdriver into his head. Then a familiar white minivan arrives on the scene, and it’s Beretta’s mom, Sue, to the rescue with Orange Cassidy surfing on top and he dives on all the men. But the Blackpool Combat Club does want to play games as Castagnoli tells Sue to take a hike and then proceeds to rip off the minivan door. Mox and Yuta smash in the windows as Mox curb stomps Beretta on the door panel and then again on the windshield, as Castagnoli pins for the decisive win.

Your Winners via Pinfall: The Blackpool Combat Club

Overall, this was the highlight of the show. The rest…meh.

Now let’s switch right over to…

AEW Collision

We come to you from the Bon Secours Wellness Center in Greenville, SC. Nigel McGuinness and Ian Riccaboni have the call, and your First Match of the night is for the…

AEW World Tag Team Championship: FTR (Cash Wheeler & Dax Harwood)(c) vs. Big Bill & Brian Cage (with Prince Nana)

As both men get a hero’s welcome from the South Carolina crowd, Wheeler hugs his mom, Gail, at ringside. Once the match starts, Cage is a Machine against Wheeler, and once Harwood tags in he tries his luck but the Swolverine lets him know Who Bettah. He attempts a gorilla press, but Harwood falls on him to cover for a count of two. Now Big Bill comes in and he and Cage double-tackle the seven-footer, but Wheeler fights back for a bit before Bill slams him to the mat and drops the elbow. FTR do the double team voodoo that they do so well and knock out Cage from the ring, and attempts the Shatter Machine on Big Bill, but no dice. He proceeds to choke slam Wheeler to Harwood’s back and during Picture in Picture, Cage and Bill run roughshod over the Top Guys, especially Wheeler as they keep him isolated in the corner. Bill beats down on Wheeler in front of his mom at ringside, and she slaps the big man hard.

The punishment of Wheeler continues in the squared circle until a mistimed push allows him to escape and suplex Cage. A hot tag to Harwood and he is a Top Guy En Fuego. He then picks up Cage in the electric chair and Wheeler goes up top and connects with a flying bulldog for a near fall. Cage gets Harwood on his massive shoulders and Wheeler attempts a crossbody but gets caught and Cage lands with an impressive double fallaway slam. Bil and Cage both nail a choke slam and delayed vertical suplex to FTR, respectively, but still get a two count. Bill sends the champs out, and Cage follows with a tope con hilo. He tosses Wheeler in and Bill covers for another two count.

FTR manage to shove Cage into Bill to knock him off the apron, and they deliver Shatter Machine to the Machine for the pin and the win.

Your Winners via Pinfall, and Still AEW World Tag Team Champions: FTR

After the match Harwood gets a mic and states they’ve been champs 10x over from Japan to Mexico to the United States, but there’s one thing left for FTR to do. They call out the Young Bucks, and they have unfinished business in Wembley Stadium. Top Guys, Out.

Uhh…yes, please. I would like some more.

Schiavone is backstage with Juice Robinson, Jay White, and The Gunns, and The Bang Bang Gang is going Guns Up to his chagrin.

Some people have none of the fun. Poor Schiavone.

Next up is another title match for the…

Courtesy of AEW

AEW TBS Championship: Kris Statlander(c) vs. Mercedes Martinez

Right away, Martinez tries a sneak attack but Statlander gets ahead of her on offense. The match is fast-paced and Martinez starts to regain the upper hand and nails two double underhook suplexes on the Galaxy’s Greatest Wrestler. Then she goes to palm strikes and a slam to Statlander for a cover and gets a near fall. During Picture in Picture, Martinez works over her back and then locks in the Camel Clutch. Statlander tries to fight out and…

Ads (Bloody Monkeys in the Truck couldn’t wait a half minute more?! UGHH!!)

We come back and Statlander nails a clothesline to the challenger. She tosses Martinez to the outside and goes for a splash but belly flops onto the mat. Martinez attacks but Statlander reverses with a backbreaker. She follows up in the ring with a powerslam but gets a two count. She positions Martinez in the center and climbs up top the turnbuckle and Latina Sensations jockeys for position and she nails Stalander with a Spider Suplex while staying on top.

However, the champ rallies back and nails a fisherman’s buster for another two count. Both Women go back and forth until Statlander manages a cover with a bridge to keep Martinez pinned for the three count.

Your Winner, and Still AEW TBS Champion: Kris Statlander

Martinez is livid and then blindsides Statlander from behind. She goes on to pummel her until Diamante runs out and then she beats down the champ some more. It’s only until Willow Nightingale runs into the ring and makes the save.

Toni Storm is backstage with Tony Schiavone she promises she is not gonna freak out.

(Author’s Note: Folks, lemme lay on some wisdom for ya. If anyone, man or woman, claims they won’t have a freakout, know that it will be the complete opposite and then duck and cover once the meltdown happens. This has been your PSA from The Lucid Luchador™.)

For Some Reason, this is a match between…

Samoa Joe vs. Serpentico

But faster than you can say Haiku In Review™, Joe quickly ends this with the Coquina clutch.

Your Winner via Submission: Samoa Joe

Joe grabs the mic and the King of Television addresses his subject. Simply put, he wants a match at the All In PPV, and without calling his name, he addresses the Best In The World and he wants a shot at the title. The ball is in his court, and Joe ends his promo with, “See ya in Wembley, Punk.”

The Acclaimed arrived earlier today and spoke with Tony Schiavone about Billy Gunn leaving his boots in the ring. Bowens states he is firm about being retired because he told them he feels like he lost a step. He and Caster feel like they had more to offer in the Trios division, but they will continue on and they offer a tearful “Scissor Me, Daddy Ass” to Gunn.

Speaking of which, your next title match is for the…

AEW Trios Championship: The House of Black(Malakai Black, Brody King, and Buddy Matthews, with Julia Hart)(c) vs. Lee Johnson, Darius Martin, and Action Andretti

So this is a House Rules Match and among the rules, there is a Dealer’s Choice that involves Hart being banned from ringside. Do you think that will matter here?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. So here’s your official Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

High flying action

No match for The House Of Black.

King kills Big Shotty.

Your Winners via Pinfall, and Still AEW Trios Champion: The House of Black

Next week, the Trios title will be on the line again as the House of Black will face CM Punk and FTR.

Schiavone is with Powerhouse Hobbs, and QT Marshall and Harley Cameron shoo him off. Marshall states mistakes were made, and he offers gold Cuban link necklaces to smooth it over and have him rejoin QTV, but Hobbs doesn’t want his help but helps himself to the gold.

Then Schiavone talks with Luchasaurus, Christian Cage, and his daughter. Cage states he is a role model for the kids, but when his daughter says he wants to hold the TNT title, He lets her know she hasn’t earned it and tells security to escort her away.

McGuinness says that he is the Father of the Year, and I say that is damn fine parenting.

But we head back to ringside for your next match between…

Courtesy of AEW

Metalik vs. Jay White (with Juice Robinson and The Gunns)

The Gunns have on their commentary headgear and join McGuinness and Riccaboni, much to the latter’s chagrin. This is one of those times it is best to tune out the words being formed from The Gunn’s pie holes. It is that painful, and this is coming from someone who’s had to listen to the drivel of the Utah Legislature.

As for the match, this needs another Haiku in Review:

*ahem*

Metalik’s far from

Lucha house party. White gives

Him Blade Runner. Fin.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Jay White

Jim Ross is back at commentary, and there is a big intro for Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat as he heads down to the squared circle wearing the referee shirt.

He hugs Ross for a minute and that brings us to the Main event and it is for the…

Courtesy of AEW

AEW “Real” World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk(c) vs. “Absolute” Ricky Starks

Punk comes down to the ring with a mix of cheers and boos wearing a shirt that has the transexual flag color, and it reads on the back “I’m a Collision Girl.”

Heh. That is Punk AF, as the kids would say.

Once the bell rings, Punk gives the upstart a run for his money, and the fans are lapping it up with dueling “Let’s Go Ric-key!/C M Punk!” chants. Both men are evenly matched, but it isn’t long until Starks begins to get the upper hand and both attempt their finishers to no avail. Then they tumble to the outside and during Picture in Picture, Stark is getting vicious as he chops away at Punk in the corner, which leads to…

Ads (Those insufferable half-witted Truck Monkeys couldn’t have done it on a match that was less important like the Trios match or White/Metalik? This is where they feel the need to cut away?! I swear if I was the director I would lash the lot of them with an extension cord!)

We come back and Punk and Starks are getting nasty and Absolute starts to unload on the champ. The action tumbles outside the ring and Punk mounts and pummels Starks, but Steamboat pulls him off and they have a staredown before common sense kicks in.

The action heads back in the ring, and Punk pushes him in the corner and mounts with punches but Starks stun guns him on the top rope and then follows with a baseball slide. He throws Punk back in the ring and continues the assault with a back elbow and a flying forearm and then covers the champ for a near fall. Starks whips him into the corner and stomps on his chest and continues to beat him down further. Punk turns things around with a tackle and then uses the ropes to springboard over for a sunset flip, but Starks hangs onto the ropes. Steamboat sees it and tells Starks to let go, so he complies and lands an elbow.

During another Picture In Picture that actually stays with the action, Starks twists his arm and walks the ropes Old School to crash down and keep Punk grounded. Starks swings for the fences and connects to cover for a two count. He goes up the top turnbuckle and Punk cuts him off at the pass and gets the superplex but is slow to cover and only gets a count of two. Punk kicks into another gear with a high knee in the corner to a running bulldog and gets another near fall on Starks. Punk climbs up top of the turnbuckle, and comes down to a nasty crossbody where Starks covers for a two count. He attempts the GTS but Starks escapes and the Punk rushes to the corner for another high knee, and Starks catches him with a powerbomb for one, two…oh, so close.

Starks goes for another Old School, and Punk pulls him on his shoulders for the GTS but he shoves him into the ring post. Starks rushes and Punk dodges and he hits his head on the second turnbuckle and covers for two. Both men go for a series of near falls, and Starks goes big with an Alabama Slam to cover but still can’t put away Punk. Starks shoots the ropes and accidentally knocks out the ref. Starks stacks up Punk and uses the ropes, but Steamboat pushes him off. In the confusion, Punk rolls up Starks, and Steamboat slides in the ring and slaps his hand down on the mat for the one, two, and three.

Your Winner via Pinfall, and Still the AEW “REal” World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk

Steamboat raises Punk’s hand as Starks is left in disbelief after the match. As he gives the title back to Punk, Starks shoves Steamboat into him and then grabs a belt and whips him mercilessly. Punk saves The Dragon by coming with a steel chair, but you get the sense this feud is far from over as the show fades to black.

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