AEW Collision: Paragon wants FTR on this Playoff-Palooza

Tommy "Milagro" Martinez

AEW Collision: Paragon wants FTR on this Playoff-Palooza
Courtesy of AEW.

It’s Saturday Night, and it’s all right for fighting. So you know what that means?

Yep, this report is late because something called “basketball playoffs“ is happening. Hence, there is a delay. Personally, I think it’s a fad, and it’s not a real sport like professional wrestling or hockey, but it had an exciting climax at the end.

That said, All Elite Wrestling has tag team action tonight, as FTR squares up against the Paragon of Kyle O’Reilly and Roderick Strong. Will Dax Harwood and. Ash Wheeler continue their wayward path in the tag ranks, or is the Paragon going to teach them some virtue?

We’ll find out tonight as we come to you from the Lakefront Arena in New Orleans, LA. Nigel McGuinness and Tony Schiavone have the call, so let get to your First Match of the Night with Swerve Strickland on the stick. Before he can say anything, the EVPs of AEW, the Young Bucks, tell New Orleans to show them respect. Matthew and Nicholas Jackson say his match is gonna happen now although he is in his fashionable T-shirt and pleather pants.

Without any further ado, your First Match of the Night is…

Swerve Strickland (with Prince Nana) vs. Blake Christian (with Lee Johnson)

If Matthew and Nicholas made this match happen, that means…the Young Bucks are the Booker Monkeys™ I keep deriding every time.

OK. Good to know, and I have a clean conscience about my snark.

The Bucks have chairs on the ramp to watch up close while Christian goes after Strickland, and he nails a springboard dropkick in the corner to the former AEW World Champion. He follows with a twisting tope suicida. Christian attempts a spear, and Strickland reverses to a neckbreaker between the ropes.

While Christian shows he’s not Vanilla on offense, Baby, He ultimately receives a House Call to end it decisively.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Swerve Strickland

After the match, Strickland calls out the EVPs, but then has to fend off Johnson and The Bucks. They nail him with the EVP Trigger and get ready to set up the TK Driver until Kenny Omega lends a hand. He lines up a V-Trigger on Matthew until he rolls out.

Samoa Joe cuts a promo on Jon Moxley, and how he always manages to sow chaos to create a distraction wherever he goes. Joe makes sure he knows he will not be distracted by Mox or his Death Riders, and he is coming for the AEW World Title.

Let’s head back to the ring for a Turner Movie Classic match with a…

Women’s World Championship Eliminator Match: “Timeless” Toni Storm (with Luther) vs. Queen Aminata

Early in the match, we see a bloody nose by Storm at the hands of the Queen. As for the rest of the match…here’s your first Haiku in Review™:

*Ahem*

Aminata faced

“Timeless” violence. She called

The Storm, and she lost.

https://youtu.be/7fmM8V45Zns?si=u9qxoAG6DQL3u3To

Your Winner via Pinfall: “Timeless” Toni Storm

Lexy Nair is backstage with Satnam Singh, Karen and Jeff Jarrett, and Jay Lethal. They are upset, and part of their frustration is with Sonjay Dutt, who arrives late. They want a reason why things haven’t been going their way, and Dutt tries to weasel in an excuse. They’re tired of sitting on the sidelines as Jarrett wants gold, and Lethal has the ideas to get them to the top. Heck, not even Singh wants to hear his excuses, and you know it’s bad when they converse and Singh cusses him out in Punjabi.

Damn!

(Also, before I get any hate mail, I checked and Singh is Punjabi. So lay off, IWC nerds!)

Now for something I doubt anyone asked for, out comes “Platinum” Max Caster and he wants to bring a playoff like atmosphere, unlike what New Orleans has experienced with the Saints or (gods forbid) the Pelicans. He tries to lead them in the chant, (even though someone brought a sign with that same message), but not expecting much for a city that “smells like horse urine.”

So, who’s next for his open challenge?

Heh, funny you ask. It’s…

Hologram vs. Max Caster

With that, it’s time for my Squared Circle Clerihew™

*Ahem*

Hologram shows some flash

And Casters’ hopes are dashed.

Silly Caster, your challenge backfired.

And any traction you had is now mired.

Your Winner via Pinfall: Hologram

Howzabbout something different in…

CRU (Lio Rush and Action Andretti) vs. Top Flight (Darius and Dante Martin, with Leila Grey)

Folks, I feel the strangest vibe of deja vu here, as I think I covered this before.

Oh, hang on a tick. I DID.

The only difference is the hardcore aspect of this tornado tag match, as they batter Darius with kendo sticks on a trash can on top of his head. During Picture in Picture, the CRU grounded Dante’s Flight, and when they come back, Rush and Andretti are getting the worst of it as Dante brings out a bat. The CRU takes over, and then Andretti grabs a bag and opens it up to reveal Mardi Gras beads as they spill to the floor.

McGuinness tells Schiavone to take off his shirt since we’re in New Orleans, and I cannot unhear those words or get that image out of my head despite how much Genius Juice™ I’m drinking, cranking these words out.

(Author’s Note: Damn You, McGuinness!!)

Rush preps Darius for the Bourbon Street objects, but he reverses and slams him into the plastic wear. Now comes a steel chair comes into play, and as Top Flight preps for takeoff, they get tripped up, and then Rush and Andretti dropkick Darius on the chair and suplex him on it and cover for a two count. Rush wraps a chain around his hand, only to get blocked by Grey. She gets knocked off the ring apron by accident, and that allows the CRU to deliver a running TKO, M.O.T.H. splash, and a springboard 450 to finish things off.

Your Winners Via Pinfall: Action Andretti and Lio Rush

Excited?

Yeah, I get it, too.

So how about some women’s action between…

Anna Jay vs. Taylor Gainey

Gainey is a five-year veteran (aka “T-Gainz” aka “QuadZilla”) making her debut in AEW against a returning Anna Jay. I don’t wanna make her a scapegoat or anything, as that would be stealing her man’s gimmick, but I can tell you this match would better be served on AEW DARK.

Oh, right. That ain’t a thing anymore.

Well, since I don’t recap squash matches, and in honor of springtime, enjoy this recipe for Squash Spring Rolls with Maple Dijon Dipping Sauce.

As for the match…

Your Winner via Pinfall: Anna Jay

After the match, Jay was attacked by Megan Bayne and Penelope Ford. Jay fights back but Bayne ensures she bows down.

Jamie Hayter and Mercedes Moné talk ahead of their Owen Hart Invitational final match at All In Texas.

Now for some lucha goodness, and it is a title match for the…

ROH World Championship Match: Bandido(c) vs. Dralistico

The Code of Honor is not adhered to, but there is a lot of high-flying action in and out of the ring in this match. At one point, Dralistico with the huracanrana to Bandido to the floor, and during Picture in Picture, Dralistico takes it to the champ and shows why, as a member of La Faccion Ingobernable, he is not Tranquilo. Bandido stages a comeback and hits a tope followed by a tope con hilo. Back in the ring, a frog splash only gets the champ a two count. Both men throw lucha bombs and at one point they battle up the top turnbuckle. Dralistico attempts a huracanrana and gets blocked, but he powers through and follows with a code breaker on Bandido. Dralistico rushes to the corner and Bandido dodges the tackle. He delivers with a rope-assisted German suplex (a 21-plex according to Schiavone) and retains the belt.

Your Winner, and Still ROH World Champion: Bandido

Backstage, Big Bill and Bryan Keith talk about cracking skulls and stacking W’s to get Chris Jericho back. Bill suggests a challenge in The Gates of Agony, and they want to see if they want to go.

(Author’s Note: Guys, just so you know how Jericho is doing…)

Now we get…

Rush vs. AR Fox

Fox wants to grab the bull by the horns, and Rush attacks straightaway and is just not tranquilo during this match. He slams Fox to the barricades and inside the squared circle, and once he lines up for Bulls Horn, he pulls up with a disrespectful kick to the head before he becomes tranquilo. Fox stages a comeback and flies at El Toro Blanco, but Rush is seeing red and delivers the Bull’s Horns for the pin and the win.

Trent Barretta and Rocky Romero cut a promo on the lack of respect for their name, but The OutRunners wander in the shot, and they commence a beatdown on both men. I smell a tag matcha-coming, folks.

Kyle Fletcher and “Hangman” Adam Page offer their thoughts going into the Owen Hart Invitational final at All In Texas:

Huh. No Mark Henry around, but I’m here to tell you It’s Time for the Main Event between…

FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) vs. The Paragon (Roderick Strong and Kyle O’Reilly, with Stokely Carmichael )

As the bell rings, Strong and Harwood lock up and feel each other out. Dropkicks by Roddy on both members of FTR, and the match deteriorates as The Paragon shows them the virtues of submission before they powder out to rethink their strategy. Wheeler in, and he gets it just as bad from Strong and O’Reilly as they nail a kneedrop/backbreaker combo for a two count. Strong catches him with an ankle lock until Harwood pulls him out.

During Picture in Picture, FTR rethinks their strategy until O’Reilly gives a hammerlock to Wheeler and Strong keeps up the pressure right up until the…

Ads (UGHHHH!!! Whichever Monkeys in the Truck™ are doing this, STOP IT!!!)

We come back, and as Strong makes a tag, Harwood Pearl Harbors him, and now they Pillmanize Strong’s leg and knee using the steel steps and the ring structure. Now FTR is in control, and they cut the ring in half as they work over O’Reilly to make him a Paragon in Peril. He manages to legsweep both Harwood and Wheeler, but there’s no Strong in sight for the tag. He then gives Bryan Danielson-style “Yes!” kicks to both of FTR, followed by a forearm shot to Harwood. A double clothesline by Harwood and O’Reilly knocks both men out in the center of the ring.

Outside, Wheeler drills Strong’s leg to the steel steps again. Meanwhile, Harwood attempts a Piledriver, but O’Reilly escapes and gets a guillotine choke. He almost submits until Wheeler comes flying with a clothesline for a two count. Another Picture in Picture shows O’Reilly in Peril as Harwood further hobbles Strong on the outside. They slug it out, but ultimately O’Reilly gets the hot tag to Strong, and he is a Paragon en Fuego with a busted wheel. He gives a lungblower to Harwood, and Strong gets a two count, hurting his bad leg in the process. He fights valiantly despite his injury, but Harwood exploits it and wraps it around his leg and pulls a Bret Hart Figure Four around the ring post. Now he pulls him in the ring and slaps the Figure Four (WOOO!) in the ring, and Roddy hangs on until O’Reilly dives and breaks the submission. That allows Strong to drape an arm on Harwood’s chest for a count of two. He tags back O’Reilly, and he cinches an ankle lock grape vine until Wheeler hits a splash and FTR deliver the Spike Piledriver that ends it in one, two, and three.

Your Winners Via Pinfall: FTR

Adam Cole comes out to check on his compatriots, and FTR set their sights on him. Then Daniel Garcia helps Strong and O’Reilly chase FTR off with a crowbar after the match. Garcia gets on the mic, calls them trash, and lets them know they didn’t dig the knife deep enough. He promises he will get his hands on them as the show goes to a close, as he and Cole shake hands.

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