I’m not sure about you. But I’m glad it’s the weekend. Saturday night’s as good a night as any for some…

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!

We’ve got a lot of questions to (hopefully) get answers to tonight so I hope you’ve got in your comfiest chair with your coldest (or hottest, it’s kinda cold outside) drink in your hand – regardless, don’t forget to hydrate!

ZERO HOUR

1. Deonna Purrazzo (with Taya Valkyrie) vs. Anna Jay

Taya at ringside – no surprise there. She got tossed for spearing Anna Jay. Purrazzo got frustrated and Jay quickly took advantage. It can all end so fast. Seven seconds or less… Wait. No. That’s the D’Antoni offense. Seven minutes! This match was shorter than Dragonforce’s “Through the Fire and the Flames”.

Winner: Anna Jay by pinfall

2. Buddy Matthews vs. Dante Martin vs. Komander vs. The Beast Mortos

I’m glad this isn’t being called a Fatal Four-Way. That name is as boring as watching paint dry. The smaller guys (Martin and Komander) formed a nice duo to clear out the two bigger men. Mortos’ Tornado is one of the prettiest jumps you’ll ever see. But then Komander said “hold my beer” and tightrope walked, jumped off the corner, and jumped onto all three opponents. The chaos continued for several minutes. Exciting stuff all around. I wonder how heavy Mortos’ horns are.

Winner: Buddy Matthews by pinfall (pinned Komander) after a Rollins-esque Stomp.

3. “Big Boom!” A.J. (with Big Justice) vs. Q. T. Marshall

I missed the start of this match because I went to Costco.

I lied. I was hungry. I ate a double chunk chocolate cookie.

Winner: “Big Boom!” A.J. by pinfall

AEW Full Gear 2024

4. Private Party (Isiah Kassidy and Marq Quen) (c) vs. The Outrunners (Truth Magnum and Turbo Floyd) vs. Kings of the Black Throne (Malakai Black and Brody King) vs. The Acclaimed (Anthony Bowens and Max Caster)

Private Party’s entrance was electric. Kinda weird they didn’t give the challengers intros but it’s understandable with the amount of weight in the ring.

“Scissor me timbers” is among the best move names I’ve heard.

Also, Floyd’s head flew off at Turbo speed.

Winners: Private Party retained via pinfall on Max Caster.

A great promo from Freshly Squeezed, talking to Lexy Nair and then to Mox. Once the shades come off, OC means business.

5. MJF vs. Roderick Strong

This one’s going to be vicious. Is MJF ever NOT in character? He’s so easy to root against. Plus, I love when he yells obscenities during a big move by his opponent.

I can’t imagine the whiplash you’d feel on a move like this:

Roderick came at MJF with an End of Heartache out of nowhere but the count was halted at two as Max got his foot on the rope. The left hand of Strong was neutralized early.

Winner: MJF via submission. He went again to the left hand, forcing Roderick to tap pretty fast.

MJF came back into the ring with a chair, doing more damage to Strong’s left arm. Adam Cole (BAYBAY), Matt Taven, Mike Bennett, and Kyle O’Reilly made the save too late. KOR implored Cole to go fight MJF.

6. Mercedes Moné (c) (with Kamille) vs. Kris Statlander

Nobody’s beaten Kamille except for Kris Statlander. She is also the “Defeater of the Undefeated”. We all know who that’s referring to.

Multiple Meteoras couldn’t keep Statlander down. Statlander eventually countered it very nicely, more than once.

Kris Statlander fought a great fight but the left knee was vulnerable and the champ took advantage.

Winner: Mercedes Moné retained by pinfall

7. Jay White vs. “Hangman” Adam Page

A hype-man with even 10% of Juice Robinson’s personality would be so amazing. Get amped! This one’s going to be wild.

Very few chop like The Switchblade. That first one really connected perfectly. Page made White’s left ankle his focal point through the match:

Very disappointed there aren’t any “Leaves IS plants” chants from the crowd. There’s even someone in the crowd with a sign! Come on, New Jersey!

Jay White’s ankle took a LOT of punishment but he landed a connected with a few pretty dragon screws on Page’s bad left knee.

Winner: Jay White via pinfall after he countered the Buckshot Lariat with a Blade Runner.

Hangman swung at Christopher Daniels after he came out to stop Page from hurting Jay White further after the conclusion. The man is unhinged. I mean, he’s got the hair.

8. Will Ospreay vs. Kyle Fletcher

This feud is going to keep going, surely. Ospreay has one of the best entrance songs in all of professional wrestling. They ran full speed at each other as soon as the bell rang.

Watching this man fly is a thing of beauty. Art. These two know each other very well and this match had counter after counter. The Hidden Blade after the counter-barrage made me and my friend harmonize an “OOOHHH”. Well done, Kyle and Will. Well done.

Fletcher hit a big tombstone from the ring onto the steel steps and Ospreay’s left hand told its own story there.

Winner: Kyle Fletcher via pinfall

Champagne Championship Celebration

Mina Shirakawa kicked a glass bottle out of Mariah May’s hand after the Women’s World Champion tried to turn on her best friend. That was a scary sight as it looked like a bad fall onto a table beside the ramp.

This feud will deliver.

9. Jack Perry (c) vs. Daniel Garcia

Daddy Magic expectedly came back for commentary. His calls are always entertaining. The commentary desk suggested Garcia as perhaps the willing opponent to Mox and the Death Riders. Matt Menard agreed.

Jack Perry ran through Daniel Garcia for a long while. It kept him out of the ring long enough for referee Rick Knox to get to nine!

He came back and found a second wind, getting in some offense of his own. Perry tried to goad Garcia into using the title belt to win – which would have obviously not won him the match.

Winner: AND NEW TNT CHAMPION, Daniel Garcia via submission with a sit-down sharpshooter.

10. Konosuke Takeshita (c) vs. Ricochet

To borrow a slang term from the generation younger than me, Konosuke Takeshita has every right to say he is him.

Ricochet got a lot of his agile offensive moves and some near pin-falls but the power disparity showed itself. For a bigger wrestler, Takeshita’s got the cardio game.

Winner: Konosuke retained via pinfall.

11. Swerve Strickland vs. Bobby Lashley

Do you swerve when you drive? I bet Bobby Lashley’s swerved at least once while driving. Right?

This match involved a lot of this:

Nothing to see here. Just Bobby Lashley strolling around with 200+ lbs. in one hand. As one does.

Swerve showed he could respond. He was about to land a big move but Shelton Benjamin tripped him up from outside the ring. The ref caught it and he got tossed after this, the second time he interfered in the match.

Swerve got the All Mighty’s head familiar with the steel steps, feeding off the energy of the crowd as Excalibur pointed out. He then broke the Spanish announce desk when he stomped on Lashley’s frame.

Winner: The “All Mighty” Bobby Lashley via the Hurt Lock. The Hurt Syndicate brought Prince Nana in the ring and Lashley got him in the Hurt Lock as well. Statement made, Bobby

12. Jon Moxley (c) vs. Orange Cassidy

Jon Moxley came to the ring with Marina Shafir, who had the title in a briefcase handcuffed to her wrist. Orange Cassidy wasted no time, immediately getting three Orange Punches as soon as the bell rang. Smart strategy.

But it didn’t take long for Mox to turn the tables on the challenger. He’s perhaps the human equivalent of a shark. When he sees blood, out come the chompers. Cassidy’s head caught the corner of the steel steps and was quickly wearing a crimson mask.

It didn’t take long for the Death Riders to show up like a pack of hungry wolves. But Orange Cassidy had backup, even though he’d previously urged them not to come out tonight. Wheeler Yuta and Orange Cassidy look set to start something next.

Winner: Jon Moxley via pinfall.

“Hangman” Adam Page came out with a chair as the Death Riders looked to further punish Orange Cassidy. Christian Cage followed but oddly didn’t cash in. Jay White found himself in the ring to exact some revenge on Cage.

Outside, as the Death Riders looked to get away, guess who crashed into their vehicle! He wields a skateboard.

The story continues.