Saturday night’s as good as any to curl up on the couch and get comfortable with a nice… WRESTLING PREMIUM LIVE EVENT.

Will Bryan Danielson’s career be put to an unceremonious end tonight with his wife and kids back home? Will the EVPs “influence” the outcome of their match against Private Party? Will Brody King ensure Darby Allin will never be able to climb Mt. Everest? Will the Switchblade cut up his competition? Will the Aerial Assassin get the best of a triple-threat match? There are a lot of answers to find.

Get comfortable because it’s going to be a wild ride!

ZERO HOUR:

1. (C) Atlantis Jr. vs. Brian Cage – ROH World Television Championship

THE MACHINE. Remember when he and Hobbs were part of Team Taz? That feels like eons ago. I think Brian Cage is better than opening Zero Hour. He looks like he’s fought multiple trees and won.

I don’t know much about Atlantis Jr. but he apparently beat Kyle Fletcher for this current title earlier this year. Impressive. High-flyers are always a treat to watch in the ring.

Cage makes spine-busters look so fluid despite his hulking size. I’m taking the under on whatever his expected body fat percentage is:

Atlantis picked up Cage over his shoulders way too easily.

Winner… AND NEW ROH WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION: “The Machine” Brian Cage with a brainbuster finisher.

2. Anna Jay vs. Harley Cameron (with Saraya)

So, Saraya didn’t come out. I was expecting to see both of them but I guess she’ll make an appearance during the match… Maybe. EDIT: NOPE.

Anna Jay’s gotten better and better since coming back from Stardom. The Dark Order’s #99 is back and fiercer than before. That being said, Harley’s no joke in the ring. That being said, a Dangerous Jay kick in the corner looks like Harley might need a dentist visit soon.

Winner: Anna Jay with a move I call “The Backpack”.

3. MxM Collection vs. The Acclaimed (with Billy Gunn)

I can’t tell what’s more distracting: Mansoor’s sparkly eyebrows or how tall Mason is. Also, Who is Rico and why are these mutton chops on his cheeks? He kinda looks like a Wish-version of Wolverine.

Max Caster needs to rap more. Like, always. THE ACCLAIMED HAVE ARRIVEDDDDD. When is Billy Gunn’s album coming out?

I miss when it was called the Atomic Drop. Why Manhattan? Is it because living there is just as painful?

Billy Gunn’s leg drops are timeless.

Winners: TACOMAAAAAAAAAA. The Acclaimed.

Queen Aminata vs. Kamille. Please.

4. SURPRISE? 8-MAN TAG MATCH:

The Conglomeration and The Outrunners vs. The Dark Order and Premier Athletes

Dark Order just hasn’t felt like a legitimate faction since Brodie Lee’s passing. But I’ll always appreciate Jonny Hungie because who can’t appreciate him?

Eight-man tag matches can often drag on just because of how many people are involved but Jonny Hungie and Freshly Squeezed are so fun to watch. Watching Kyle O’Reilly is always a treat, too. And these Outrunners… I’m totally digging the throwback vibes.

Winners: The Outrunners got the pin for the faces.

HERE. WE. GO.

MAIN CARD:

5. “Hangman” Adam Page vs. Jay White

Cowboys and Switchblades. Lots of eye gouging in this one. Is that a cowboy go-to move?

Also, This is insane core strength:

Winner: New Zealand’s finest, Jay White.

Hangman had some “cowboy” words for Jay White after losing.

6. (C) Mariah May vs. Willow Nightingale

Nigel’s voice on commentary is just… soothing? I don’t know. I like his voice.

Willow wants this title bad. I mean, the violence! Mariah May has entered the chat:

Too late, though. Nightingale got some great offense in there but it wasn’t enough to keep May down for three seconds.

Winner: The lady from London (not Ontario), Mariah May.

7. (C) Jack Perry vs. Katsuyori Shibata – TNT Championship

The goat mask was pretty cool despite the fact that I miss Jurassic Express way more than I should.

Time for “The Wrestler”. “But Sully, aren’t they all wrestlers?” YES. But there’s only one “Wrestler”:

Winner: Scapegoat Jack Perry. But Daniel Garcia showed up and had a stare-down with him. PLOT TWIST: SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU SHOWED UP. Perry loves his sneak attacks from behind.

MJF gets heat all the time. He loves it more than any sane person should.

Guess who showed up after that. One hint: His ankle looks like it healed.

8. (C) Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet vs. Konosuke Takeshita – AEW International Championship

Name a better entrance song than Will Ospreay’s. I’ll wait.

Seems like an alliance to start against Takeshita. Makes sense. He ruined the banger of a match these two had last time.

RICOCHET AND OSPREAY LOVE TO WRESTLE. But so does this guy:

What did tables ever do to wrestlers to deserve this treatment?

Winner: Every fan for having witnessed this banger. But, also Takeshita won the match. BOO. Kyle Fletcher showed up because of course he did. Fletcher made sure Ospreay knew he wasn’t in the Don Callis family by their choice, not his.

WHOSE HOUSE? You already know the answer.

No surprise that MVP and Shelton Benjamin met Swerve and Prince Nana in the ring to talk about their future and what – if any – arrangement could be made between the two parties. This got out of hand pretty fast. Swerve rebuffed the offer. Him and Nana were left in the ring to absorb a crowd’s worth of cheers. I smell a feud here. Duh. or not duh. I’m not a writer. Not THAT kind of writer, anyways.

9. Hologram vs. The Beast Mortos (best two-of-three falls)

Mexico’s Lucha Wrestling commonly uses the two-of-three stipulation so these wrestlers are used to it.

Hologram wins the first pinfall. Both wrestlers have to get back to their feet before the match can resume.

They call him THE BEAST for a reason:

That’s cray-cray. (I’m aware of how cringy that was.) A human that size moving like that is wild. Look at that! It’s the delay before the spin for me. That’s a work of art worth more than the Mona Lisa if you ask me.

Hologram succumbed. The Beast Mortos won the second pinfall, becoming the first man to pin Hologram on AEW programming.

A high jump off the top rope to outside the ring from Hologram after this taxing match… Wrestlers are really like that. In my opinion, this is the match of the night… so far, at least. Gotta be five stars, right? RIGHT?

Winner: Hologram scored the third pinfall to go to 15-0 in AEW, defeating “The Beast” Mortos.

10. Darby Allin vs. Brody King

You can tell Darby loves what he does because he always has so much creativity with his ring entrances. How can you not love this guy?

Brody King is a scary-looking dude. Especially if I was Darby, I’d be shaking in my skateboarding shoes. He’s like 3x the size of Allin. They’re no strangers to each other, though. Brody King has won six of seven matches. Darby won a coffin match between the two.

Brody King is a scary dude. Or, dog? Either way.

All jokes aside, Darby Allin’s resilience and perseverance are second to none:

Here’s my theory. Darby Allin watched Jeff Hardy wrestle back in the day and said “Hold my beer.” I hope that’s what really happened.

Winner: Darby Allin pinned Brody King after a coffin drop onto steel steps. I love wrestling. The two shook hands after, initiated by Brody. He definitely respects what his opponent just did.

11. (C) The Young Bucks vs. Private Party

“OMG IS THAT PRIVATE PARTY?” Yes, ma’am. It is.

The Bucks turned this into a streetfight before it even became official. Because they can do that. They’re pretty important to the company, right? I think so… I also can’t hate on them too much because their hometown has such a cool name. Admittedly much cooler than my hometown. Yes, I’m jealous.

The Gin and Juice is honestly the best name anyone could have picked for Private Party’s move off the corner ropes.

An EVP Trigger. That’s the name when Omega isn’t around? I disapprove.

So many 2.9 counts, hooo mama.

Winners: The Young Bucks retained. Not a fan of that result. I think Stokely Hathaway liked it, though. “Quay and Zen”. Great. Private Party “wrestled their hearts out”, as Excalibur said right after I typed it. That was freaky!

12. (C) Mark Briscoe vs. Chris Jericho – ROH World Championship

If I were booking this card, I wouldn’t have this match this late. Most of the earlier matches were way too good. But that might just be me. Honestly, “Ocho” sounds better than “Neuve”. I will say that Jericho’s ability to re-invent himself and adapt as many times as he has is impressive. But yeah, this match should have been way earlier. The one and only Jim Ross joined commentary for the ending two matches.

“”Redneck kung-fu” is a term that so perfectly describes Briscoe’s style.

That’s the first time I’ve seen a chair clap like that in a while, if ever. Looks like fun!

Orange Cassidy came out and dealt with Big Bill to even the odds.

But seriously, guys as old as these two crashing through tables… I don’t know, man. I love it but I also don’t. The Death Valley Driver always looks so good. Especially when it’s done by a Briscoe.

Winner: Mark Briscoe defeated the Learning Tree’s leader.

13. (C) Bryan Danielson vs. Jon Moxley

HERE. WE. GO. I’m ready for some unscripted violence.

“The Dapper Yapper” Justin Roberts’ voice sets the main event like few others can.

Mox walked to the ring via a side ramp, accompanied by Marina Shafir. This could end badly for Danielson. That neck, I don’t know.

“The Final Countdown” always slaps. Near his hometown, Danielson walked out with a jacket that captured moments from the BCC when they were taking over AEW. Mox didn’t seem to care, attacking him while his entrance song kept playing. Being choked with a camera cable while being serenaded by Europe seems like my kind of party. Er, I mean… getting a chair kicked into my face…

I don’t know. I’m just here to watch the kids fight. Can I call them kids if they’re older than me?

If you don’t like Excalibur saying “tope suicida” then you don’t like fun. Danielson’s neck and that drop onto the commentary desk, however. Is un-fun a word? I could never:

To quote Jim Ross: “And I hate to say this. Ouch.”

That fan in the front row… Oh man.

There aren’t many minds as twisted as Moxley’s. I’ve always wondered if him and Renee talk about work at home. I’m not sure how those conversations would go. But Danielson’s mind is pretty close.

It took way too long but Shafir eventually got kicked from ringside after being caught interfering.

Moxley caught Danielson outside and… I’ll let you figure out what happened next.

Danielson stays down for just a one-count. R-E-S-I-L-I-E-N-C-E.

The referee stopped the match. That seemed way too abrupt.

Shafir returned with Pac and Claudio. Thankfully, Yuta rushed out with Darby Allin to prevent this from getting uglier. Yuta with the double-cross. I can honestly say I didn’t see that coming. NOT THE HOMETOWN BOYS. It took way too long for more help to come out.

Excalibur was noticeably shaken on the call. Can’t blame him at all.

Winner: The fan with a sign that says he beat cancer to watch Danielson kick Moxley’s ____ head in! But Jon Moxley begins his fourth reign as AEW World Champion. This marks the end of Danielson’s full-time in-ring career.

TOP PHOTO: Jon Moxley and Marina Shafir stand over a beaten Bryan Danielson at AEW WrestleDream at the Tacoma Dome, in Tacoma, Wash., on Saturday, October 12, 2024. AEW photo

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