All Out: Too much is too much

By the nature of the type of entertainment it is pro-wrestling demands you suspend your disbelief to a certain level. Of course REALLY dropping someone on their neck with a piledriver will probably injure them if not paralyze them. Of course wrestlers aren’t REALLY fined for their transgressions. It is all part of the story. Of course that isn’t blinding powder thrown into someone’s eyes. It is just baby powder but it looks great on camera. Of course the talent in the ring aren’t really trying to hurt each other. They want it to appear like they are when they are really protecting and guarding each other from injury as much as they can.

The main event of All In didn’t just ask fans to suspend their disbelief. It asked them to absolutely ignore reality to the point that what was going on in that steel cage between Swerve Strickland and “Hangman” Adam Page became a gong show of epic proportions. It was a farce, some kind of parody of what wrestling is and this is from someone who loved ECW and Japanese Death Matches. Not only have we seen them do all those spots before with the staple gun and the concrete block but the match itself became absolutely ludicrous when they both were kicking out of moves that would have finished off anyone opponent even when applying outlandish wrestling logic.

Being powerslammed on a concrete block, being double stomped through a table, etc, alone would pin most people. Not only was the main event a joke but there was already a bloody grudge match and a street fight on the card. It really lessened the impact of anything we saw in the main event.

Also, can the portion of the AEW fans who chant such feeble and frail things like “Please, don’t die!” or “That is murder!” because they are triggered by what they see before them please stop. This is wrestling. You are embarrassing yourselves as fans. You really are.

All Out 2024 Results

The Acclaimed vs. The Iron Savages

Imagine having The Acclaimed and wasting them against a jobber team on a pre-show. Imagine that.

Iron Savages? Sounds like an eighties heavy metal band. A bad eighties heavy metal band from Walpack Township in New Jersey.

They remind me of this band for some reason:

Some doofus from YouTube was at ringside. Costco something or other. You know he is on his last few minutes of fame when he is appearing on the Zero Hour. I am not sure who these Iron Savages are and am too lazy to look them up but their mouthpiece is an annoying clown. Wait! Aren’t these dudes who used to be Bear Country? Good to see they are moving up in the world. The Savages almost get the pin but Bowens breaks things up. This match is far too competitive than it should be. Best part of the match is Billy Gunn punches the Iron Manager in the face. The Acclaimed win with a Mike Drop.

Winners: The Acclaimed at 7 minutes and 46 seconds

Rating: 4 Care Bears out of 10

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Premiere Athletes vs. Dustin Rhodes, Sammy Guevara and Hologram

Sammy Guevara has an RoH Championship? I guess he has been exiled there after turning Jeff Hardy’s face into hamburger.

Why is dude called Hologram when he is flesh and blood? He looks like a CAW from WCW/nWo Revenge  on the Nintendo 64 made flesh. I would rather watch AKI Man / THQ Mann fight The Giant than sit through this match.

Hologram is thrown out on the floor and Sterling put the boots to him. The Gym Bros kick the snot out of Hologram until he tags in Supporting Wrestler of the Year – Dustin Rhodes. The faces splash the heels on the floor. Obviously Sammy has been training Dustin. Sammy saves Dustin from being pinned by Gym Bro Number Two.

Dustin has Gym Bro Number Two pinned with Cross Rhodes. Sterling distracts the official. Sammy and Hologram pull him over the top rope. Rhodes hits him with Cross Rhodes. Rhodes pins Gym Bro One or Two…Does it really matter? – for the pin.

Sammy poses with the RoH Cruiserweight Championship or whatever it is and Hologram doesn’t disappear.

Winners: Three Guys We Don’t Know What To Do With at like 10 or 12 minutes.

Rating: 4 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches out of 10

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The Dark Order vs. Bang Bang Gang

So, the Bang Bang Gang are three rejects from NJPW who thought they were going to be massive main event stars by jumping to AEW and The Dark Order is a Make-A-Wish charity tag team who have jobs for life in AEW, except that Stu Grayson guy who was fired by AEW, hired back for three months exactly and then fired again? No, I am not kidding. That actually happened.

The Darth Order are all forced to sit on a corner like they are cartoon characters while Juice Robinson cannon balls them. Juice Robinson pins The Piranha from Mat Mania.

Winners: New Japan World Order at 7 minutes and 10 seconds but seemed like 34 hours

Match Rating: 3 French Bulldogs out of 10

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Sky Blue comes hobbling out on crutches. She is acting like a Barbie Doll, all sweet and nice. I thought the last time we saw her she was some kind of Gothic monster? What in the hell?!?!?

Oh, right. AEW. Doesn’t have to make sense.

Mariah May shoves Blue over and then belts her a few time after making a comment about the Windy City and blow jobs? Queen Aminata comes out chasing May off and helping Blue get to her feet.

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The Undisputed Kingdom  vs. The Beast Mortos and Shane Taylor Promotions vs. Action Andretti and Top Flight

Top Flight are all dressed in fighter pilot overalls? Isn’t that a bit too on the nose? You won’t believe this. Like Vince McMahon is booking this, there is valet with them dressed as a stewardess or a pilot in a short skirt but why is she carrying those glowing sticks that marshallers use on the runway to guide planes in?

Oh, right. AEW. Doesn’t have to make sense.

The guy who is dressed like Mantaur jumps on top of the faces on the floor. The flight attendant or pilot’s only job apparently is to wave those glowing sticks while Top Flight jumps out of the ring onto targets on the floor. That is her entire gimmick?

Mantaur 2024 spears one of the Top Gun dudes and the Undisputed Kingdom gets the pin. Whatever.

Winners: The Undisputed Kingdom at Coma O’clock (10 minutes and 43 seconds)

Rating: 6 Tom Cruise Impersonators out of 10

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This review continues on the next page…

MJF vs. Daniel Garcia

Imagine having MJF and wasting him against a dude who is one step above a jobber in the opening match of a pay-per-view? Imagine that.

Garbanza or Jabroni, whoever, attacks MJF as he is entering the ring. Causing a massive distraction a support crew comes down to remove a banner from ringside. Jabroni is wearing David Lee Roth’s headband. Oh, it is supposed to be a bandage from MJF breaking a bottle over his head three days ago. Funny that. MJF turns things around rather quickly as you expect he would. Jabroni goes for a piledriver but MJF pushes him off into the ropes. An MJF neckbreaker puts Jabroni down as does a guillotine on the ropes.

Tony Schiavone: That’s a serious cravat, man!

MJF gets a two count with cradle DDT. MJF gives the crowd the finger as he suplexes Jabroni over the top rope and they both hit the floor. Jabroni beats the count and starts shaking his head like he is having a seizure.

Jabroni gives MJF a series of neckbreakers. He leaps onto Jabroni, grabs him by the ears and bites, punches his forehead. Jabroni comes up bleeding. Although Jabroni seems out on his feet the official lets the match go on. MJF props him up in a corner. Jabroni fights his way out of a second rope piledriver. Jabroni DDTs him from the top rope. MJF drapes his foot over the bottom rope to stop the count.

Jabroni kicks out of a Canadian Destroyer.

We got a close-up of sticky, slimy snot pouring out of Jabroni’s nose. How delightful. Jabroni delivers some open-handed chops. A  guillotine brings MJF to his knees. MJF kicks out of piledriver…but of course he does as this is a match in which everyone kicks out of everything…until they don’t. MJF bites his way out of a second rope piledriver. The official doesn’t see MJF’s low blow. MJF rolls him up for the pin.

Winner: MJF at Far Too Long o’clock (23 minutes and 35 seconds)

Rating: 7.5 Diamond Rings out of 10

MJF extends his hand to Jabroni after the match. He shakes it. MJF lifts Jabroni’s arm in the air. He goes to kick Jabroni in the balls. Jabroni blocks him and kicks him there instead. Jabroni piledrives him from the second rope. Jabroni leaves through the crowd as medical personal attends to MJF in the ring. Oh, god. There is going to be more of this angle. Nooooooo!

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Hangman Adam Page and Swerve are shown in separate dressing rooms with guards around them.

Excalibur babbles with a straight face: “This is not only to separate them from one another but to keep all of the innocent bystanders backstage safe.”

Okay, buddy.

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The Young Bucks (c) vs. Blackpool Combat Club – AEW World Tag Team Championship Match

Nigel McGuinness calls the BCC, the “BBC”. Hilarious.

Dick Jackson takes down both members on his own. Cesaro and Wheeler are not amused they fire back and make-a-wish with Nick’s legs. They do the same to Rick as the official doesn’t badger The BCC for not leaving the ring. They do it to Mick another three or four more times. The BBC catches both Bucks and both get wish boned. The Bucks take control battering Wheeler. Wheeler almost tags out but Cesaro steps into the ring. The official stops him. Vick spits at Cesaro enraging him even more.

Wheeler makes the tag. Cesaro races across the ring back and forth landing his running forearm smashes over and over and over again. He takes them both down with a double clothesline. He does the same to them on the arena floor. Cesaro breaks the barricade and asks the fan behind it if they are okay. They smile back.

Cesaro swings Dick 20 times. Cesaro hits a superplex. Wheeler goes for a Fastball Special. Rick has his knees up. He rolls up Wheeler while Mick holds off Cesaro.

Winners: …and still AEW World Tag Team Champions, “Mr. Instant Replay” and “Slick Nick” at This Will Never End! (15 minutes and 32 seconds)

Match Rating: 7 Overpriced Running Shoes out of 10

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Will Ospreay (c) vs. Pac – AEW International Championship Match

Pac has an AEW Championship? How did that happen? Good for The Bastard. The fans finally get to their feet during Ospreay’s entrance. The crowd is really alive for this one. Pac steps out of the ring just to piss them off. Pac shoulder tackles Will down. Will kips back up as if nothing happened. Pac tries a snapmare. Will lands on his feet. Pac finally grounds Ospreay with a headlock.

Neither man can take the other down. They go back and forth. Will even flips out of Pac’s flying head scissors. The crowd rises to their feet on that one. Pac leaps off the top rope onto Will on the floor. Will counters with a twister off his own off the top rope. Ricochet is watching backstage. Both men take each out with stereo drop kicks.

Once they sit up they begin slapping each other in the face. They get to their feet and exchange chops. Pac starts attacking the taped neck of Will. Pac whips Will into a ringside barricade twice.

Pac spikes Will with an avalanche brainbuster in the ring. Will is holding his neck and his shoulder. Will leaps off a ringside barricade to nail Pac with a flying forearm. Pac is down from some time so while Will poses in the ring, the official checks on him. Will brains Pac with a corkscrew kick in the middle of the ring. Pac leaps off the ropes. Will catches him. Pac turns that into a tornado DDT.

Will hit his cutter off the ropes but he cannot cover quickly enough as his neck is killing him from the brainbuster before.

The crowd chants: “Fight forever!” and I agree with them, for once.

Will puts his hands behind his back daring Pac to batter his neck with forearms…so naturally he does. Will fights back with a hook kick. Pac German Suplexes Will on the ring apron and then hits a Poisonrana on the apron too.

Pac slaps on the Brutalizer. Will makes his way to the ropes to drape his legs over them breaking the hold. Will puts up his knees to block the Black Arrow. Pac amazingly flips out of a powerbomb into a hurricanrana. The crowd gets to their feet.

Pac locks Will in a Brutalizer for a very long time. Will gets to his knees. He hits a hurricanrana and a Hidden Blade for a two count. Pac crotches Will as he goes for another cutter. Pac executes a Poisonrana off the top rope. Will is carried over but lands on his feet for a Hidden Blade and a two count. Pac shrugs off an Oscutter to reverse a Stormbreaker into a pinning combination for a two count. Will hits a Styles Clash, a Hidden Blade for the win.

Winner: …and still AEW International Champion, Will Ospreay…at 2o minutes.

Match Rating: 9 / 10

This review continues on the next page…

Willow Nightingale vs. Kris Statlander – Chicago Street Fight for the CMLL World Women’s Championship

The best match of either’s career. Outstanding stuff here.

They cut backstage to Statlander but not in time. We only hear her say…”Stat-urday night”. Stokely hands Kris a chair. Willow disarms her easily. Willow powerbombs Kris into a corner but almost drops her. A cannon ball scores her a two count. Kris hits Willow over the back with a steel chair and slams her through the announce table.

Stokely and Kris set up a table on the floor. Kris slams her head into a ringside barricade. Kris rips off a turnbuckle pad. She leaps off the top rope. Willow moves out of the way. Kris puts herself through the table. Willow shoulder tackles Kris through a barricade.

Willow as she leads Kris up the rampway: Remember what you did to me?

Kris reverses a suplex on the ramp. She demands Stokely “get the stuff”. Stokely brings out a trash can full of plunder. Kris beats Willow with a trash can before suplexing her again on the rampway missing a garbage can. Kris misses with a barbed wire baseball bat. Willow doesn’t with a bunch of light tubes.

Willow points at Stokely as Kris bleeds from the forehead. Stokely runs backstage to escape Willow. Kris spears Willow off the rampway onto a black sheet covered tables below. Kris drags Willow back to the ring. Kris slams Wi;ow. Willow gets right back up slamming Kris. They both get up clotheslining each other to the mat.

Willow pulls a chain out from under the ring as Kris retrieves a black bag. Kris slaps Willow in the face daring her to hit her with the chain. That seems quite stupid. Willow not only hits her but grinds the chain into her forehead. Willow then bites her head.

Kris dumps out tacks from the black bag. Willow shoves Kris off forcing her to miss an axe kick. She lands on the tacks instead. Kris kicks out of Death Valley Driver on the tacks. Kris drops Willow onto the tacks with a Spanish Fly off the top rope. She smashes the chain into Willow’s head for a two count.

Kris turns the match into a hybrid strap/chain match by bringing in a chain attached to wrist straps. Kris drops Willow with a Tombstone Piledriver. She wraps the chain around her head for a super duper submission move. Stokely rejoins Statlander after the match.

Winner: Kris Statlander at 15 minutes and 20 seconds

Match Rating: 8 / 10

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Will Ospreay is interviewed backstage. Ricochet interrupts. Ospreay tells him to rack up some wins before challenging him. Ricochet says he will see him soon. I think Ricochet spoke more in this segment than he ever did his whole time in WWE.

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Kazuchika Okada (c) vs. Mark Briscoe vs. Orange Cassidy vs. Konosuke Takeshita – Four-way match for the AEW Continental Championship

Not sure why this match is included. It is just a bunch of jumbled nonsense with people laying on the floor like they have been shot until it is their turn to rejoin the match. There isn’t much to say. The only highlight is Okada and Takeshita facing off when they do. Okada wins with the Rainmaker.

Winner: …and still AEW Continental Champion, Kazuchika Okada at Who Cares 0’clock. (15 minutes and 20 seconds)

Rating: 6 Redneck Fu Karate Chops out of 10

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Mercedes Moné (c) vs. Hikaru Shida – AEW TBS Championship Match

Shida needs to spread her wings and go elsewhere. She has so much potential to do so much more but that won’t happen in AEW.

The most overpaid wrestler in the history of AEW comes out next. What is the point of the canned CEO chants? It isn’t just a heel thing because they were using them when she was introduced as a face. No idea why she is shimming and dancing like a stripper without a pole but here we are.

Mone begins the match tripping up herself and Shida then hitting her with weak punches. Mone gives Shida’s leg a DDT. I always hated that move. It looks so stupid. Mone’s drop kick misses the target but Shida tries to make her look good.

Both women run awkwardly round in circles as they hit the ropes. Shida shows Mone how it is done with four great looking drop kicks off the ropes. Mone missed a drop kick. Shida puts her in a stretch muffler. Mone reaches the ropes but Shida won’t let go at first.

Shida lamely drives Mone’s knees into the mat. Shida drapes Mone over the apron for a running knee smash.

Mone executes a really sloppy powerbomb on Shida as she leaps over the ropes. Mone bows to Shida to mock her. The crowd boos. Mone does her knees to the abdomen in the corner thing as the crowd remains mostly muted.

Shida puts Mone down with a missile drop kick off the top rope. Shida hits two of her spinning kicks but a third completely misses. Just awful stuff. Shida and Mone have a tug of way over Shida’s kendo stick. Mone is pulled into the steel post. Shida brings the kendo stick into the ring. The official warns her. Shida misses a knee drop and Mone wins with the Mone Maker. Kamille meets her on the rampway to celebrate.

How many awful matches does Mone have to have before someone gives her the hook?

Winner: …and still AEW TBS Champion, Mercedes Mone at an excruciating 16 minutes and 26 seconds.

Rating: 3 Counterfeit Dollar Bills out of 10

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Bryan Danielson (c) vs. Jack Perry – AEW World Championship Match

Why does this match even exist? There is no way on Earth that Perry will be the one ending Danielson’s career. That would be criminal.

Perry isn’t a threat to a Girl Guide never mind a full-grown man like Danielson. Dude has no charisma, no intimidation factor, no charm, nothing. He would barely be considered a cruiserweight, to be honest with you. He will be another one of these people who stays in AEW because that is the only place where they will booked like this.

Tony Schiavone might be going senile because he thinks the building is actually shaking in anticipation.

Danielson punches Perry in the head while he is in a Gory Special submission. As Perry escapes to the floor Danielson drop kicks him through the ropes. Danielson springboards off the top rope onto Perry. A missile drop kick sends Perry to the floor. Danielson dives off the apron and gets a super kick to the face. AEW exploits Danielson’s neck problems AGAIN with Perry DDTing him on the arena floor. Perry runs Danielson into the ringside barricade and drop kicks him into it as well after a running start.

Danielson turns things around with a suplex from the top rope. Danielson nails his Yes! kicks. Perry almost drops Danielson picking him up onto his shoulders. Perry pulls the official in the way as Danielson rushes across the ring with his running drop kick. Danielson’s German suplex sets Perry up for the kicks to the head. The Young Bucks rush the ring. They attack Danielson. They hit the TK Driver which they never, ever execute correctly and always looks fake.

Cesaro and Wheeler chase The Bucks off. The official comes to. Danielson kicks out of running knee. One Busaiku Knee, stomps to the head and another Busaiku Knee puts Perry away.

Winner: …and still AEW World Championship Match, Brian Danielson at 27 minutes and 34 seconds.

Rating: 7  Romper Stomper DVDs out of 10

Killswitch attacks Danielson from behind. He and Perry exchange glances. Christian Cage’s music hits. He comes out with the contract he won via the Casino Battle Royal. Jon Moxley steps in Christian’s way. Cesaro, Wheeler and Pac join them. Christian and his clowns back off.

Moxley hugs Danielson. The BCC raise Danielson’s hands in victory. Out of nowhere, Cesaro attacks Danielson. Moxley puts a plastic bag over Danielson’s head. Pac holds off Wheeler as Marina Shafir takes out the official. The bag over the head gimmick goes on and on and on. AEW just doesn’t know ever when good is good enough until things traverse into obsurdity.

The AEW crowd chants: This is murder!

Ugh.

As Moxley, Cesaro and Shafir leave the ring, Wheeler rushes over to Danielson. Medical officials bring down an air tank and oxygen mask for Danielson.

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Swerve Strickland vs. “Hangman” Adam Page – Steel Cage Match

As the cage starts to lower Swerve attacks Hangman. He chokes him as Nana throws weapons into the ring. The cage is lowered completely.

Hangman slams Swerve. Swerve gets back to his feet drop kicking Hangman. They get into a slugfest until Swerve hits a Flatliner and a House Call.

“You want to play blood games? This is what you get! You stupid idiot! You want to play with fire? You are going to burn.” shouts Nana at Hangman.

Hangman opens a tool box pulling out a staple gun. Hangman staples Swerve in the chest. Swerve laughs at him. Swerve pulls the staple gun out of Hangman’s hands, staples him in the back and gives him a backbreaker. Swerve pulls staples out of his chest.

Swerve takes out some pictures of his family. Swerve staples them to Hangman’s chest and face.

Tony Schiavone: Hangman burned down his house and it was a nice house!

Swerve is thrown off the cage. He hits Page with a clothesline. Page laces some barbed wire into the cage. Swerve is tossed into it. Swerve is busted open. Hangman punches and punches the wound. Swerve’s head is dragged across the steel cage again and again.

Swerve pulls out a concrete block from another box. Swerve stares down at Page before he readies him for piledriver. Swerve gives Page a Dead Eye on the block. Page kicks out at two.

Swerve sets up a table in the ring as the fans chant that they want fire.

Hangman slams Swerve’s head against the cage supports.

AEW fans are triggered and start chanting: Please, don’t die.

Ugh.

Swerve drives Page through the table with a Swerve Stomp. Page kicks out of that too. Swerve charges at Page. Page’s Dead Eye gets him a two count. Page pulls out a massive splinter from Swerve’s burnt down house. Swerve wrestles the spike away from Page. He stabs Page in the head with it. Swerve holds the spike and stares at it. Page punches him in the “lower abdomen”. Swerve is powerbombed on the concrete block.

Swerve kicks out??!? Come on.

Swerve powerbombs Page into the steel cage. I guess his back isn’t hurt that badly AFTER being dropped on a concrete block?!!?

Hangman kicks out of a House Call?!!? Come on.

Page powerbombs Swerve off the cage. Swerve kicks out of Dead Eye?

Sigh.

This has reached the level of stupidity now.

Page bashes Swerve with a steel chair over and over telling him to beg for mercy. Swerve comes up laughing then falls to the mat. Hangman pulls Swerve’s grill out of his mouth. Page retrieves a needle putting it through Swerve’s mouth or cheek. He breaks a steel chair over Swerve’s head. The official calls for the bell ruling Swerve has been knocked out.

Winner:  “Hangman” Adam Page at 31 minutes and 32 seconds of complete idiocy.

Rating: 7 M. Night Shyamalans out of 10