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WWE SummerSlam: Roman Reigns Returns!

Thomas Starr
Roman Reigns returns at SummerSlam in Cleveland on Saturday, August 3, 2024.

Roman Reigns returns at SummerSlam in Cleveland on Saturday, August 3, 2024.

 

It is time for WWE’s biggest event of the summer and one of its tentpole events. It is SummerSlam! Six of seven matches have titles at stake, which is a mixed bag for me. I appreciate the fact that there are only seven matches. Those old Vince PPVs with 10+ matches were demoralizing (See AEW currently). The other side of this is the fact that they have six titles to begin with. Just check out the word salad of names they have had to come up with, because of saturation of titles.

Joe Tessitore, a long-time broadcaster for ESPN among other companies, was introduced on the pre-show. He named several wrestlers and events from the WWE era.

He debuts September 2nd on Raw. We shall see if he is the real or the jabroni (Trademark: Sheiky Baby RIP).

Also, on the preshow, Wade Barrett said Dominik Mysterio has been on a high lately. With two beautiful women fighting over him. Yes, Wade, having a woman stalk you and cause trouble with your friends and girlfriend must have been a blast. Not to mention, his girlfriend would not even speak to him. Sounds great!

Peter Rosenberg, the TEMU Sam Roberts (or is that vice versa?), was also on the preshow. This guy is that acquaintance who shows up at every cookout and leaves without anyone really noticing him. How did this guy land this job? He shows up everywhere for them and adds nothing. Who is he friends with?

Cathy Kelley was also active on the preshow. Check out the promo below. Yeah, Dominik is great. Watch her facials as he is insulting her. She is just standing there smiling. Is she listening?

William Dee Calhoun opened the show with God Bless America. He is going under the gimmick of Jelly Roll now. Then time to play the game! You know it is a tentpole event when Triple H is out to introduce it. He kicks it back to Jelly Roll. Am I the only one who is surprised by this guy’s voice? Not just that it is good, but I expected something rougher. I guess. He is good.

I liked this opening. It was different and felt like a summer cookout. If that makes any sense. Yes, I have cookout on the brain.

Just when I was liking this show, Miz came out. Why is he here? Why do we need a host? Especially one as annoying as the Miz.

Liv Morgan vs. Rhea Ripley – Women’s World Championship

Michael Cole points out that Rhea has not lost a singles match in over two years. That loss was to Liv Morgan. Will history repeat itself? There is a ref-cam for this event. That should be interesting.

Liv made Rhea chase her early on. She went in and out of the ring and switched places with Rhea until Ripley outsmarted her.

The announcers pointed out the irony (is that the right word?) that these two women, who have been fighting for custody of Dominik, should meet at SummerSlam, where his dad Rey Mysterio fought his uncle Eddie Guerrero for custody of Dom. Sports entertainment, folks.

Rhea dominated early, but Liv turned the tide by pushing her into the ring post. Rhea kept saying, “It’s out” meaning her shoulder was dislocated. The ref asks if she wants to continue. She tells you her shoulder is dislocated, and you let the match go on?

Big point in the match, Liv did a dive, but Dom pushed Rhea out of the way and took the bump. Then Rhea rammed herself into the announcer’s table to “put the shoulder back in.” Okay.

In a killing the suspension of disbelief moment, Liv randomly goes to get a chair. She is allowed to bring it into the ring, the ref just stands there telling her she should not do that. Take it away her! Or disqualify her since she brought it into the ring.

Rhea ends up with the chair, but Dom stops her from using it. He was right, she could not win the title by blistering Liv. Then Liv hits her move on Rhea, but Rhea kicks out.

Then the chair ends up in the ring again, Dom distracts the ref and Liv hits her move on the chair for the win. Convoluted and unnecessary. If the end was Dom helping Liv, why not have Dom get the chair, set it in a corner of the ring, and distract the ref so Liv could use it? Why was making the ref look like a goof necessary? Also, why did Dom push Rhea out of the way earlier? Illogical.

Winner: Liv Morgan

Dom then made out with Liv. It was a swerve, bro!

Damien Priest is in the Judgment Day Clubhouse, yes, their clubhouse, trying to act mad. He asks if Finn knew Dom was going to do that. Finn says no. Priest says he is going to kill that “kid.” I am not convinced that will happen, but I could be wrong. If he does murder Dom, everyone hang on to this video so the authorities can figure it out. Okay?

Bron Breakker vs. Sami Zayn – Intercontinental Championship

The announcers say the Intercontinental Championship has changed hands fifteen times at SummerSlam. That seems like a lot. Maybe?

Zayn with the fast start but misses a Helluva Kick and Bron takes over. Bron hits a BreakkinSteiner (top rope Frankensteiner), which leads to some Scott Steiner references. Somewhere Vince is turning over in his crypt at that name being mentioned.

Bron hits a spear on a Helluva Kick then does his “23 mph” running of the ropes into a spear for the win.

Winner: Bron Breakker

Stephanie McMahon was shown in the audience. McAfee told the other two announcers to “come to attention.” What does that mean? Is she a staff sergeant? She was clapping so hard she might need to ice her hands afterwards. Ouch!

LA Knight vs. Logan Paul – United States Championship

Paul came out and was met by a Make-A-Wish kid. The young man is on Jelly Roll’s album. Michael Cole referred to him as Kelly Roll. I like this Jelly Roll more and more. To allow some sick kid to be on his album is sweet.

LA Knight gets out of Paul’s Prime Humvee. Knight uses a pipe to break the window. Why not use your fist? Worked well for Goldberg.

They fought at ringside for several minutes. Including LA dropping Paul on the announcer table. The announcers then told us the match had not started yet. What? They go back into the ring and now it is officially a match. Okay.

Logan Paul did a leg drop and Cole called him “Hogan Paul.” Paul has a mouse under his eye. They got a good shot of it. His face looks like it has been in a fight. Imagine that.

Logan Paul did a springboard moonsault. Incredible athleticism, but he also overshot Knight. You could see it clearly on replay.

Paul hit Knight with his titanium hand, which had been nicely protected, but LA kicked out. The first time I remember someone kicking out after that.

Knight beat up two of Paul’s lackeys at ringside but left Kelly Roll standing. Paul threw LA into the ring post. While Knight went back into the ring, while selling shoulder, Kelly Roll jumped over the barrier (excellent work security!) and awkwardly handed Paul the brass knuckles. That Kelly Roll is so beleaguered he cannot even find clothes in his own size. His pants were hanging down and he looked like he was in his dad’s shirt. Can we start a GoFundMe for this poor kid?

Paul hits Knight with the brass knuckles, but Super Knight no-sells the knucks and hits the BFT and wins.

Winner: LA Knight, yeah!

They had Otis do a commercial for Manscaping. Never. Never again. Please.

Bayley vs. Nia Jax – Women’s Championship

Nia comes out in her Winter Warlock gear. Corey Graves says he hopes Bayley brought a helmet, because “it could be a long night.” What does that mean? I need the WWE decoder ring.

This is a big test for Bayley. Can she get an okay match out of Nia? Seems impossible, but Bayley did get good matches out of Sasha Banks and Banks stinks. Whatever happened to Sasha anyways?

This match was not good. Nia Jax had Bayley in the corner and was supposedly punching Bayley, but you could clearly see that she was punching the turnbuckle behind Bayley. It was not even close. AEW-level bad.

Nia went for the AnNialator (See what they did there?), but Bayley somehow turned it into a powerbowb. It was not a cheap one either. She walked to the middle of the ring with her on her shoulders.

With Bayley selling her shoulder, Tiffany ran to the ring with her briefcase.

Eventually Nia took over, hit two AnNialators (you get it?) and won. By far the worst match on the card.

Winner: Nia Jax

CM Punk vs. Drew McIntyre – Seth Rollins as referee

Seth comes out in another ridiculous outfit. The announcers point out that his outfit is still better than HBK’s referee short shorts. I can agree with that. I will say it is nice to see Seth is not wearing a poofy shirt this time, but did he have to bedazzle his outfit?

Seth allowed them to fight at ringside without counting. Cole and the announcers pointed out that it had been longer than a ten count.

This is one of the better feuds in recent memory, but once again we had “we want tables!” and “this is awesome!” chants. All the magnificent work these two did, but still the idiotic chants. Oh, and they did Rollins’ entrance theme. Ugh.

Rollins enforcement of the rules was in and out, but when Drew brought a chair into the ring, he took it away.

Punk had Drew in the Anaconda Vice but saw the bracelet that Drew stole and broke the hold to get the bracelet. Seriously.

Later, Punk had Drew up for the Go-To-Sleep but saw that Rollins now had the bracelet on and let Drew down.

Rollins was knocked out of the ring and Punk got the second visual pin on Drew after nailing the Go-To-Sleep. Rollins and Punk went face-to-face, and Punk finally hit the GTS on Rollins. This allowed Drew to hit a low blow. Eventually, Drew got the pin.

Overbooked to the highest degree. Drew put the bracelet back on after the match. This is not Tony Khan level booking, but it is still a mess tonight.

Winner: Drew McIntyre

Finn tells Damien that he cannot find Dominik. Priest apologizes for putting his hands on Finn. Finn says if Priest needs him out there, he will be there for him.

Gunther vs. Damien Priest – World Heavyweight Championship

Physical match from the start. Priest looked great here. He showed more fire than he has been able to show in his promos. Gunther came up bleeding from the chest from Priest’s chops.

Gunther had beaten down Priest. Priest defiantly told Gunther to bring it. Finn showed up in the crowd.

Gunther wiped the blood off his chest and into his own hair. He took a shot at Finn too, which fired up Priest. Priest dropped the straps ala Jerry Lawler. The fans started to get behind Priest.

Priest hit a Razor’s Edge and then the South of Heaven chokeslam. He clearly rolled Gunther over to the ropes, which made no sense in context. Finn then put Gunther’s foot over the ropes.

Finn distracted Priest long enough for Gunther to come back. Priest took over but then dove for Finn, which looked stupid, and Gunther put the sleeper hold on again for the win. Best match of the night to this point, but the execution of the finish was bad.

Winner: Gunther

Miz is back to make sure all the fun is sucked out of this show. He and R-Truth did comedy. Ha. Ha. Then they told the attendance. It is another “record.” 57,791 counting concessioners, security, and the population of the neighborhoods within a ten-mile radius.

Austin Theory and Grayson Waller came out to do some more comedy. R-Truth calls them the Rock-N-Roll Express. More comedy. Now William Dee Calhoun, er Jelly Roll, does a walk-in with a chair and finishes off Theory’s career. No wait. He also does a chokeslam to make sure everyone knows anyone can do this stuff and to dig Theory’s grave ever so much deeper. A uniquely bad waste of time.

Cody Rhodes vs. Solo Sikoa – Undisputed WWE Championship

In a No-DQ, Bloodline rules match Solo is out by himself. The announcers explain that now the Bloodline can surprise Cody Rhodes. Okay, I will buy that.

Cody is in his bus. A gentleman hands on his dog to Cody. I really hope he is not bringing this poor dog out here in front of the crowd. Remember the last time?

Cody stops to have a conversation with Arn Anderson. Hey, it is Arn! Arn talks forever but does tell Cody he has friends watching his back. Including some he does not know about yet. Hmmm.

Thankfully, he is not bringing the dog into the arena. He stops to get his jacket on. Then he puts on that dumb headpiece from WrestleMania. He sets the headpiece just outside the entrance area. This entrance has taken longer than a Moxley entrance.

The early part of the match, they established Solo has “done his homework” about Cody’s move set. He blocked or reversed several of Cody’s moves. They made Solo look good like he belonged.

Tama Tonga and Tonga Loa came to Solo’s aid. Kevin Owens and Randy Orton also came out to fight them off. Then all four fought off.

Cody hits two CrossRhodes and is going for a third when Jacob Fatu interferes. Jacob puts Cody on the announce table. He splashes Cody through the announce table.

Out of nowhere, Roman Reigns’ music hits. And there he is! He hits a superman punch on Solo. Cody hits CrossRhodes for the win.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

The show was okay. So much of it was overbooked, but it was a very WWE show. It would be great if there was a true alternative to the WWE style, but they have been the biggest influence on this sport for so long that no one knows how to do anything different. I guess.

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