This is ep. number 1,600 and I’ve easily seen 1,500-plus of them. So I know what I like…
We start with the hobbling Seth Rollins. With a tear in his eye, he announces he has multiple injuries which puts him out for three to four months. Soon after the announcement, Gunther makes his way out to the ring. This is a bit surprising to say the least.
Gunther is very complimentary to Seth and says it’s unfortunate that he won’t make ‘Mania. Seh vows to make it to the Grandest Stage of Them All.
In response, Gunther says he’s winning the Rumble on Sunday (really Saturday, followed almost immediately by a graphic touting the real date, along with Vince McMahon screaming at his TV) and gun for Rollins at ‘Mania. For real, I think his win is a year away.
The two finish the segment by shaking hands, which is a very refreshing heel move – rather than attack a wounded animal, Gunther shows him the utmost respect while touting that he will be the next champ.
Before we can enjoy the segment too much though, the freaking New Day blindsides Kaiser and Vinci, who were at ringside. Gunther doesn’t do anything, but he again shows what a professional he is by not making his unfair presence felt. Imperium is by far the best thing in WWE, and they prove just how much class they have once again amid the devilish attack by their enemies.
Imperium vs. New Day
Vinci with a beautiful cross body early before the heels take over. Kaiser takes over and obliterates Woods. Woods fights back, tossing both opponents out and tries to get to Kofi but is dragged back out by Kaiser. The faces end up standing tall in the ring going to the break.
Back from break and its a slapfest from Woods and Vinci. End result is both men down after a Woods kick. Hot tags on either side and Kofi gains the ADV. Kofi hits suicide dives on both babyfaces but Imperium gets back in control, at least until Woods gets involved.
Eventually both teams are counted out.
Oh, I have the “heels” and “faces” reversed? Look at who was doing the most dastardly moves.
Winners: no one
The brawl continues after the bell rings. A Tornado Tag would be a nice way to keep this rivalry going, just saying. Segment finishes with all four on equipment cases and then going through tables nearby. Strong heat segment.
Backstage time! Judgement Day sees kvetching between Reha and Damian. No sign of Truth, but lots of infighting.
Ivy Nile vs. Valhalla
I am really starting to hate this team-up between Alpha Academy and Diamond Mine. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Amid all the ridiculousness of her new gimmick, it’s easy to forget that Sarah Logan is one heck of a hand. Beautiful running punch on the outside to Ivy.
Ivy hits the RVD feint kick while Cole calls Valhalla a weirdo. Classy. Logan hits a headbutt and tries for the leverage pin but gets two.
More impresiveness from Logan and Nile. Get rid of the lousy gimmick and this would be a lot better. Ivy with a swank bulldog from the top rope for the W.
Winner: Ivy Nile
More backstage time! New Day! Jey Uso! Jackie Redmond! End result – Kofi’s challenging Gunther for the IC belt next week.
Oh, and Damage Ctrl is seen in the background.
Nia Jax is out next and I’m ready to go to sleep. The crowd booing is X-Pac heat by the way.
Blah blah squash blah.
Becky thankfully is out to save us from this horrid segment. She mouths off for a bit before Bayley comes out (wildcard afterall). It doesn’t take long for the fists to fly between all three. Nia tosses Becky over the top (because Rumble). No. Jax isn’t winning. The biggest person in the match never does.
Becky continues backstage and runs into Rhea for the briefest of interactions.
DumbDumb vs. Miz
Let’s see how long this last before Mysterio does what he does worst.
“We Want Truth” chant, which tells you how much the crowd wants to watch this.
Bunch of feint evasions in the early moments. Miz to the outside and is attacked by Balor. Dom goes for the Suicide Dive and almost does himselv in more. Dumb Dumb does the Eddy shimmy and hilo and I’m done.
Schomzz leads to the 619 and Frog Splash finish it for DumbDumb
Winner: DumbDumb
Post-match, J-Day attack Miz until DIY come out. JD eats the punishment from the faces.
For Part Two click the link below:
Back to the backstage. Damian is interviewed by Jackie until Truth comes in for a decent little segment. Damian is really improving on the mic.
Back from a break, it’s more boredom from Bronson. End result – Bronson vs. Mid-card Jey Uso.
Chad Gable vs. Ivar
Huh. Segment order puts Ivar in the same position as last week. Same crap, different week.
Ivar hits a spinning powerslam that the announcers gush over. Not that big a deal. Really.
Gable deserves better. Remember he was having MOTY candidates with Gunther only a few months ago. Swandive Headbutt gets two.
Gable goes for suplexes but Ivar is too big. This is getting bad. Ivar with a splash from the apron to the floor on Gable, and we go to a break… because someone up there hates me.
More stuff in the ring. Gable is doing his best but this just doesn’t work in any way, shape or form. My dog comes to be let out at the exact right time so I get to miss much of this crapfest.
Gable hits a couple Germans, goes up top and is distracted by Valhalla. Crap drop leader to the Moonersault for three. TERRIBLE.
Winner: Ivar
Face to Face time. A-E-Dub! A-E-Dub!
Oh wait, wrong time and space.
Punk tells a story of being asked by Dusty to look out for Cody in OVW training, and how he’ll be looking to eliminate Cody at the Rumble. The two then talk about trying to remain friends after the Rumble is over and the different paths they took to WWE. Lots more to this interaction but it’s impossible to document. You need to get to YouTube and watch it if you missed it. Segment ends with each other standing nose to nose and tat to tat.
We then go a Hulk Hogan video where he riles up the marks of the world with a tease of being in the Rumble. YEah…. riiiiight.
The Way vs. Shayna Baszler / Zoey Stark
Party People are at ringside.
Faces start in control. Very little heat. Rana by LeRae sends Stark into Shayna on the outside. Crowd barely cares.
Back from break the heatless match continues despite great stuff from Candice. Shanyna gets the Karafuta on Candice, Zoey blindtags in and hits the Z-360 for the win. Very bland.
Winners: Shayna / Zoey
Champs come in to smack talk after, but are decimated by the Kabuki Warriors.
Backstage time! Damage Ctrl! Nattie! Tegan! Jinder! Indus Sher! ADAMMMMM!
Drew McIntyre vs. Damian Priest
The match goes to the outside early and Drew hits a nice B2B overhead onto the mats. Back into the ring and the two are again fairly even, even as they go back to the outside. Priest slams Drew onto the announce desk to go into the break.
Priest gets a resthold in the centre of the ring but Drew fights back. Goes for the Claymore but PRiest steps aside. Simple yet affective. Drew recovers with a Spinebuster and gets two.
Priest gets a cover for two next as the match slows to a crawl. It’s getting hard to watch. Headbutt from McIntyre dazes both men. Neither can get a solid advantage. Priest gets a Broken Arrow for two. He’s looking gassed but still manages a Tope Con Hilo. Give him credit for trying to heat up the crowd, but ulitmately it’s R-Truth who gets the most heat as he comes out to try give Priest his cut.
McIntyre hits the Future Shock for two then sets up for the Claymore. Truth tries to get in the ring. but gets knocked off by Drew. South of Heaven should have three but the ref is distracted by Truth. Priest reems Truth, and eats a Claymore amid the schmozz.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Until next time, Stay classy.