Dynamite is hot to start tonight. Jokes later.

Orange Cassidy vs. Bandido (International Championship Match)

This is apparently Cassidy’s 20th title defense.

Bandido gets a hype video to start, which tells you a lot about how the AEW Universe has received the Mexican superstar.

Smarmy showoff stuff to start. Cassidy goes for the pockets twice and both times Bandido blocks. Action starts to heat up soon after. Bandido with the finger guns despite not being in Bullet Club. Bandido is sent to the outside, just so Cassidy can put his hands in his pockets. This is so lame.

Cassidy then pulls off some moves with his hands in his pockets and I really don’t get the appeal.

Action goes to the outside and Bandido turns up the vicious dial with various strikes and more finger guns. Some fan is wearing a shark something or other on his head and looks completely ridiculous, albeit not as ridiculous as some of the contrived moves in this match.

Bandido goes for a Stretch Muffler variant but Cassidy reaches the ropes. Action spills to the outside and Bandido hits a Tope Con Hilo as we head into PiP.

Out of the semi-break, Bandido and Cassidy botch a delayed Suplex spot. Soon after both are on the mat. Boo-yeah sequence has Cassidy’s weak-ass offence which again just is a mockery that is so lame. He eats a Thigh Slapper for his troubles.

Turnbuckle smacks from Cassidy follow soon as he gets back into the match. Michinoku Driver gets two.

More back-and-forth and this match really feels like it’s running long at 15-minutes plus. One armed Superplex doesn’t even get a pin attempt. Pop-up RKO gets two soon after. “This is awesome” chant from the crowd. I beg to differ.

Bandido hits a couple power moves, then does his Eddie Guerrero ripoff spot (just to show that it’s not only WWE wrestlers who won’t let this all go, and yes I agree with Chavito on this one) to get two.

Cassidy gets a Crucifix pin, apparently called the Mousetrap for some absurd reason, for two, and the announcers go ape poop that Bandido escaped. God this is terrible.

Orange Punch leads to a Back Driver for the three count to mercifully end this match at just under 20 minutes.

Winner: Orange Cassidy

Post match there’s more tomfoolery and I find myself agreeing with Cornette, which is downright scary.

Backstage, Renee Paquette talks with Adam Cole but the audio pooches for part of the time. He calls out Chris Jericho. After he leaves, Cassidy and Bandido wander in, and do nothing of consequence, kinda like their match.

Back from break, Paquette has more guests – Jack Perry and Darby Allin. Allin seeks a truce between two and wants Perry to guard his back tonight in his match against Sammy Guevara. Fence has been mended.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Dax Harwood

Refs stop anyone from joining Jarrett for the match. Cash Wheeler voluntarily goes to the back.

Good mat-based back-and-forth to start. Jarrett has found the fountain of youth, certainly not doing anything too risky in his career has lengthened his career as well.

Jarrett does too much strutting, allowing Harwood in to hit hard. We get ANOTHER PiP match break. Two for two tonight. This is as bad as that run of Raw’s with commercial breaks.

More classic action between these two throwback grapplers. Jarrett hits a Knee Crusher and tries for the Figure Four to no avail. Harwood reverses fortunes and hits a Falling Headbutt for two.

Reversal sequence leads to a backslide for two by Harwood. Piledriver soon after also gets two. Harwood really showing he can go in any style.

Jarrett tries to leave the arena and Harwood refuses to let him for some reason. Chops a plenty outside. Back inside, Jarrett keeps botching the Figure Four attempts, eventually settles for a slingshot into a roll-up for two.

More academic wrestling leads to more roll-ups and reversals. The pair are looking gassed now and the match needs to end.

Vicious short-arm clothesline from Harwood doesn’t get anything. Sonjay Dutt comes from… somewhere… to interfere but Jarrett can’t get the three count. After a quick steeplechase, Jarrett hits the Stroke for three. Decent old-school match. Dutt is annoying though, and not in the Jimmy Hart good way.

Winner: Jeff Jarrett

Post-match, Dutt hands Jarrett Harwood’s Tag Team title. whooppee.

To the back we go and TK announces that the Owen Hart Cup opening ceremonies will take place at Double or Nothing, while the tourney will be held in Canada, including at Hidden Door which will take place in Calgary.

Wardlow vs. jobber #1

Warpig smash. Warpig squash.

Winner: Wardlow

Postmatch, Arn asks for the mic and may have threatened the stagehand with a glock. He explains why he’s aligned himself with Warpig and calls the champ a dynasty. Christian Cage cuts off the diatribe with Luchasaurus in tow. They don’t enter the ring though. Smart.

Backstage, Paquette attempts to interview Guevara until MJF comes into the picture. Renee is unimpressed by their antics.

Back from break, RJ City is backstage and is all-out assaulted by Mox. Thank YOU!

The show isn’t even an hour old yet and it feels longer than the average Raw.

Darby Allin vs. Sammy Guevara (Four Pillars Match)

Allin skates down to the ring for the first time in what feels like a long time.

MJF comes out on commentary promoting his own line of pickles. I wouldn’t be surprised if those are legit.

Disrespect to start from Guevara (shockingly).

Action starts off hot and heavy, but unlike the Orange Cassidy flip fest, this has story behind it.

Pin reversal sequences leads to some mat work. Allin gets a version of the Scorpion Deathlock but Guevara reachers the ropes. He spits in Allin’s face to get the major distraction an takes over solidly. Give Guevara credit – he plays the dirtbag well.

Can someone send this yid some pickles? I’m getting hungry.

Action spills to the outside and Guevara hits a beautiful top rope Moonsault to the grond in a beautiful spot before the… sigh… PiP.

Back from break, Allin is back in the match and cut. Guevara is on the outside, Allin goes for a Tope Suicida but eats an RKO in a sweet spot.

Guevara gets a table and sets it up angled near one of the posts. Allin wakes up at the right time and turns the tables (woh woh), lays Guevara out and gets ready for a Coffin Drop onto the table when Tay comes out to distract, giving Guevara enough time to recover and hit a Spanish Fly in the ring. It gets two.

The two head out and now Darby is on the table. Sammy scales the ropes and hits a 630 through Allin and the table for a spectacular but dangerous spot. Guevara looks worse for wear.

Guevara rolls back in the ring and looks destined for the countout win but Allin gets in with a desperate run at eight. MJF heads to ringside as Allin finally takes his first true ADV of the match. Tay distracts and MJF tosses Allin his skateboard while Guevara feigns an attack… after a table was used in the match. Que?

Guevara wins by DQ. WTQue?

Really good match until the non-sensical finish.

Winner: Sammy Guevara

Post-match, beatdown seems to continue before Jack Perry comes out with a chair to stop the action. Allin asks why he was so late to come down.

MJF gets on the stick and taunts the faces. Tony Schiavone interrupts and grows a set of balls in front of our very eyes. He says he spoke to Tony Khan and the match decision stands, but Perry and Allin will face Guevara and MJF next week. If the faces win, they both get into the match to make it a true Four Pillar Match. Yeah, I think we know what’s going to happen.

Backstage, MJF and Guevara are on a rampage.

Adam Cole is out next. and calls out Jericho. After a while, Jericho’s music plays but he shows up on the Khantran instead. He doesn’t come out but the JAS does en masse. Orange Cassidy and Bandido come out to even the odds (to an extent) but the numbers are too much. Suddenly some new music hits and Roderick Strong emerges. Okay, that’s a true shock to the system. Good on Trips for letting Strong go after way too long.

Strong decimates the JAS quickly.

The crapshow that is QTV is up next. Horrible. Just horrible.

Jade Cargill vs. Taya Valkyrie (TBS Championship Match)

For all the talk about Cargill and her streak, most of her matches have been on Rampage.

Taya starts with a flurry but Jade fights back and has a clear advantage heading into… ARGH. MORE PiP! KHANNNN!!!

Cargill is clearly in control when we come back. Gets two off a slam, but Taya gets back into the game soon after. Blue Thunder by Taya gets two, and she’s losing it. Jade takes over soon after. Taya looks gassed.

Superplex from Jade but she can’t cover. Hits a Canadian Destroyer for two, as she tries to destroy a Canadian.

Taya escapes Jaded and hits a double stomp for two. Taya sets up for the Road to Valhalla but stops before she’s DQ’d. Jade takes advantage of the momentary lapse and rolls up for the W. 56-0 in a streak that has little momentum.

Winner: Jade Cargill

After the match, Taya attempts to attack but Jade escapes. Aubrey Edwards nearly eats a Road to Valhalla in which I think is the first time she’s been physical in AEW.

Backstage, Britt Baker and Jamie Hayter sound off.

Bryan Danielson is out next before the… main event? You’ll see what I mean in a moment.

Golden Lovers 2.0 vs. Butcher and The Blade

Yes, the JTTS’ Butcher and Blade are in the main freaking event of Dynamite.

Why should I put in any effort when it’s clear Khan isn’t?

Winners: Golden Lovers 2.0

Post match, Danielson gets on the stick as a distraction, allowing the BCC attack. Omega gets decimated as Danielson walks to the ring with the screwdriver.

Bucks come out just in time and take out Castagnoli and Yuta on the rampway with Thigh Slappers. Back in the ring Omega takes out Mox enough for a couple Thigh Slappers by the Bucks. Omega has the screwdriver and is ready to attack Mox but Takeshita breaks it up. The distraction is enough for the BCC to take over. Soon enough, it’s BCC raising the arms of Takeshita who refuses to join the Club. He eats a low blow and all sorts of other attacks, including with the screwdriver.

There were strong moments in the show tonight but the pacing was horrible and the main event was laughable.

See you some other time.