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Impact brings the old-school fun with Throwback Throwdown II

Bob Kapur

Inserting humour to a wrestling show can be tricky. The premise of wrestling is that two competitors are engaged in real combat, typically as a result of personal animosity and hostility. Adding in jokes and gags can effectively negate that illusion, making the show much less compelling.

Impact Wrestling has taken a unique approach to comedy. When they created their “mirror universe” throwback company – the Impact Provincial Wrestling Federation, which is a Canadian regional promotion operating in the 1980s – they gave themselves a way to present shows based entirely on humour grounded in the nostalgic memories of wrestling from that heyday era.

On Saturday night, they presented a new instalment of the IPWF as a special event that aired on the Impact Plus streaming service and the company’s subscription YouTube channel.

The plot of this show, the second “Throwback Throwdown” instalment, was that the IPWF was presenting its first international PPV event, Winter War 84.

The show was basically an excuse for the roster to have fun. They did this by wrestling as new personas, typical of the cartoonish 80s wrestling scene with occupation-based gimmicks and cheesy names. And to complete the package, by wrestling in an era-appropriate way, focusing on simple storytelling, a much slower pace, and very few big or flashy moves.

If there is a complaint, it’s that at three hours, the constant stream of puns, gag-filled in-character commentary that made lots of winking nods to the current wrestling industry, formulaic matches, and relatively simple storylines, started to wear a bit thin. But if you were looking for a harmless mindless distraction that you could enjoy over a PBR or two (PBR, it was noted constantly, sponsored the show), then this show was a good way to spend a Saturday night.

Full results:

Giuseppe Scovelli Jr. (Josh Mathews) and Matt “Gord Leroux” Striker (a hockey player turned wrestler) were the commentators.

Pre-show match: Duke Winchester (Sam Beale) vs. The Mysterious Mr. E (??? – not an Impact regular)

Mr E was a big, painted-faced smaller version of Abdullah the Butcher. Beale was the typical 80s redneck babyface.

 

In the end, it looked like Mr. E was setting up to blow mist into Winchester’s face, but Winchester kicked him in the gut and hit a Running Bulldog to get the pin.

Winner: Duke Winchester

The main show started with a promo video by Sex Ferguson (Doc Gallows)

Dexter Petticoat (Crazzy Steve), the backstage interviewer noted that Muscles McGee would not be able to compete as he wasn’t able to cross the US border. International Commonwealth Television Champion Sex Ferguson drove up and drank a beer and said he doesn’t care who he had to compete against.

Sex Ferguson came to the ring and cut a heel promo. He said he had the night off because his scheduled opponent Muscles McGee wasn’t able to cross the border, though he speculated that this was only an excuse and really that McGee was just scared to face him, like Cowboy McCoy who missed an earlier match against Ferguson for untold reasons. Ferguson said that Downtown Daddy Brown wasn’t able to take McGee’s spot, because of a stipulation that Brown can’t get a title shot as long as Ferguson is champion.

This brought out the company’s owner, Giuseppe Scovelli Sr. (Scott D’Amore), who said that Ferguson will indeed compete tonight. Ferguson made some comments that suggested he had set up both McGee and McCoy.

Scovelli Sr. said that he had an opponent for Ferguson in a North Pole Street Fight: Santa Claus.

Santa Claus – who looked suspiciously like Downtown Daddy Brown (Willie Mack) came to the ring. He did a Dusty Elbow Smash on Ferguson, and Ferguson skedaddled.

 

Match 1: Chad 2 Badd (Karl Anderson) vs. Bill Ding (Trey Miguel)

Chad was a typical 80s club guys while Ding is an evil construction worker.

At a couple of points, Ding tried to use the ropes for leverage to get the pin, but the ref spotted it and broke the count. Ding went to the top, but Chad got the foot up and hoofed Ding in the face. Later, Ding went up top again for a Super Legdrop, but Chadd moved out of the way. Chadd followed that up with an Atomic Drop and then a Splash for the pin.

Winner: Chad 2 Badd

Johnny Swinger and Mikey Singer – the Rhythmic Warriors – debuted their new music video. The video was a typical 80s hair metal song, and the video saw Swinger and Mikey Singer (veteran wrestler “Action” Mike Jackson) in tights trying to pick up an aerobics woman.

 

Match 2: Sunday Morning Express vs. The Rhythmic Warriors

Before the match, Sunday Morning Express – a newspaper-themed team (The Editor-in-Chief (Chris Sabin) and Ace Reporter (?? – not an Impact regular)) hit the ring. They said that they had a scoop and that was that the Rhythmic Warriors were destined to lose.

They started off with some comedy, but things ramped up a bit when Mikey did a flying dive to the floor that took down SME. At one point, Mikey’s wig got removed and it revealed he was about 80 years old. He did an around-the-world Old School rope walk and then another one with both opponents to a nice pop.

In the end, the Rhythmic Warriors got the win with a double roll-up of their opponents.

Winners: The Rhythmic Warriors

In the back, Dexter Petticoat interviewed Santa Claus who said he was going to beat Ferguson for the championship tonight. More

 

Match 3: Rip Rayzor (Ace Austin) (w/ Rusty Iron (Gia Miller)) vs. Frank the Butcher (Rhino)

Butcher is a punk rocker, while Frank is, well, a butcher. At one point, Rayzor used Rusty as a human shield to protect himself from a stalking Frank. On the floor, Frank hit The Slice (an overhead chop), but then went for a clothesline, but ended up smacking the ring post when Rayzor moved.

The Butcher was able to intercept a weapon that Rusty had thrown to Rayzor, but when the ref took it away, Rayzor hit Frank with a low blow. Then, while smoking a cigarette, Rayzor put the hurt on Frank. Frank was able to recover and hit The Slice a couple of times, dazing Rayzor. A follow-up Clothesline was enough to keep Rayzor down for good.

After the match, Rusty Iron attacked Frank, but he blocked a punch. He was going to give her The Slice, but Rayzor came up behind Frank, pulled out a switchblade and sliced his throat. That was unexpectedly violent.

 

Medics ran out to check Frank and rushed him to the back for urgent medical attention.

Winner: Frank the Butcher

In the back, Petticoat was flummoxed by what he’d seen. He was experiencing technical difficulties, both with his mic and the lighting.

He then introduced former Rough Ryder faction member Georgia Cobb (Jordynne Grace). She had no kind words for her former partner Lady Bird Johnston.

 

Match 4: Georgia Cobb vs. Lady Bird Johnston (Havok)

Johnson sneak-attacked Cobb from behind during Cobb’s entrance, and battered her around ringside. In the ring, Cobb tried to fight back, but Johnston used her size advantage to keep delivering punishment. Cobb tried for a Samoan Drop, but Johnston was able to counter it with a powerful blow and grounded Cobb, even putting her into a Camel Clutch for a bit.

Johnston hit the Tunnel of Love (basically, ramming her crotchel area into Cobb’s face), but Johnston started showboating instead of going for the pin.

They exchanged power moves, and then Cobb used her legs to slam Johnston’s face into the mat repeatedly. Johnston was able to regain the advantage, and then went under the ring to grab a tire iron. The ref took it away, and when Johnston was protesting, she didn’t see Cobb get back up. Cobb then picked up Johnston on her shoulders and hit a big Front Somersault Slam to get the pin.

Winner: Georgia Cobb

Petticoat walked into the medic’s office where the doctor (Al Snow) was planning an operation on Frank, who was bleeding profusely from the neck. Before the doctor could perform an emergency tracheotomy, Quincy Cosmos ran into the room and laid out the doctor and Scovelli Sr.

Quincy Cosmos (Rohit Raju) came to the ring.

Cosmos is a British glam hairband guy, complete with open-chested silver jumpsuit. He said that his stylist was banned from ringside because she had sprayed hairspray into the eyes of Race Carr. He then taunted Scovelli Jr. by holding up a gold necklace and medallion that he’d stolen from Scovelli Sr. after knocking him out.

Scovelli Jr. rushed to the ring and said that if Cosmos had taken out his dad, that means Jr. is in charge. He said that he was going to defend his father’s honour by taking on Cosmos in a match.

 

Match 5: Quincy Cosmos vs. Giuseppe Scovelli Jr.

Scovelli surprised Cosmos with some fancy defensive moves, but eventually got caught by Cosmos who whipped Scovelli into the ropes face-first. Cosmos then laid a beating on Scovelli for a bit. Scovelli mounted a comeback, hitting a few clotheslines, a dropkick, and a nice flying headscissors. He hit a Sprinboard Disaster Kick, but Cosmos kicked out. Junior went for a Corner Splash, but Cosmos moved and the referee got flattened.

 

Cosmos’ stylist tried to help, but Scovelli Sr. ran to the ring and pulled her off the apron. Junior hit Cosmos with a Codebreaker, and then Senior counted the pin. After the match, Senior put the medallion around Jr.’s neck. The commentators made a lot of jokes about someone named “Junior” owning a wrestling company.

Winner: Giuseppe Scovelli Jr.

RAyzor and Rusty were trying to leave the building. They were interrupted by Ima Belle (Deonna Purrazzo) who challenged Rusty to a match. Winchester prevented them from leaving and the match between the ladies was on. Winchester drove off, but we heard a skid and a crash. Ferguson may be dead,

 

DJ 2Large / Pelvis Wesley confrontation

DJ 2Large (Moose) was introduced to do a rap for the crowd. Moose was decked out like Run DMC complete with tracksuit and gold chains. He skipped around the ring clapping and the crowd followed along enthusiastically.

Before he could do a rap, he was interrupted by Col. E. Corn (John E. Bravo). He introduced his newest client Pelvis Wesley (Heath) who came out decked out like… the Honky Tonk Man, brandishing a guitar.

2Large challenged Wesley to sing a tune, and he butchered a version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 2Large asked the fans to decide who they wanted to hear perform. As he led the crowd along in a chant, Wesley attacked him from behind.

2Large took control, but Corn came to the assist, and when 2Large turned his attention to him, Wesley low-blowed 2Large. He then clobbered him with the guitar and left him laying. Corn and Welsey left the ring celebrating their getting one over on 2Large.

In the back, Petticoat watched Dr. Ross who was still trying to give the tracheotomy to Frank. Petticoat tried to get Ross to help Winchester who was clinging to life after his car crash, but the doctor said he’d get to it after he finished with Frank.

 

Match 7: – Badlands Bart (Larry D) vs. Hard Harry Hall (Jake Something) – 4 Corners Bullrope Match

Bart is a biker from a dystopian future, while Hall is a Chippendales dancer gimmick. The backstory of this one is that the bullrope is the one that he had to use to save his partner Oates from a bull attack masterminded by Bart.

The rules for this one required touching all four corners without being taken off your feet. This was a bit of a hoss fight with the two exchanging power moves. Both tried several times for the corner touches, but would get thwarted. Bart used the rope as a weapon when he could, and at one point, he used the cowbell in the centre of it to wallop Hall in the head.

In the end, they did the classic Bullrope match finish where Bart dragged Hall behind him as he hit all the turnbuckles, not seeing that Hall was hitting them right afterwards. When Bart when for the fourth and final one, Hall reversed things and was able to hit the corner to get the win. There were lots of commentary references to Hall’s initials (Triple H) during this one.

Winner: Hard Harry Hall

Petticoat was in the back and said that CFL star Emile Granier of the Hamilton Tigercats was going to be making his debut in IPWF soon. Sonny Sanders (Sami Callihan) said that he wanted to manage Granier. But the “The Hitmaker” Sebastian Baker (Jimmy Jacobs) said that he could make Granier an international star. The two managers argued, but then turned their attention to yell at Petticoat.

 

Match 8: Ima Belle vs. Rusty Iron (w/ Rip Rayzor)

Belle was in control until a distraction by Rayzor on the outside gave Rusty an advantage. The action went back and forth until eventually a double-clothesline took both women down. Belle got fired up and took over with some fiery clotheslines. Rusty was flattened and a Cartwheel Splash by Belle kept her down for good.

After the match, Rayzor and Rusty menaced Belle with their knife, but Frank the Butcher – complete with a fixed trachea – came out and made the save.

Winner: Ima Belle

Petticoat introduced Tim Burr (Josh Alexander). Burr said that he had what it took to be the first man to cut down Eric “the Red” Wood and be the first person to take him off his feet.

 

Match 9: Tim Burr vs. Erik “the Red” Wood (W. Morrissey)

Wood dominated in the early moments, sending Burr tumbling over the top and to the floor with a big Clothesline. The story here was Burr was doing whatever he could to take Wood down. He even hit a series of Double Ax-Handles (because he’s a lumberjack) but Wood would not go down. Eventually, Burr chopped Wood’s leg until it was weakened, then picked up Wood and slammed him before putting him away with the Legdrop.

Winner: Tim Burr

In the back, Petticoat interviewed Dr. Ross who confirmed that the tracheotomy on Frank the Butcher was successful, but he’d forgotten about Winchester. He woke up Dr. Snow and he made a head joke.

 

Match 10: Jazzy Fitbody (Madison Rayne) vs. TBD

Jazzy Fitbody, who is an aerobics enthusiast, made her entrance. After that, the “$237,000 Man” (R.D. Reynolds) came to the ring. He introduced his new client as Fitbody’s opponent, Wanda the Werewoman (Savannah Evans). She came to the ring dressed up in a Thriller-inspired outfit and hairstyle.

Fitbody tried for a dance-off, but Wanda would have none of it, preferring to hit some power moves instead. Wanda locked on the Claw, but Fitbody wouldn’t Quitbody.

 

She fired up, thwarted an attempt by interference by the $237K man, and was going for the finish. But then Wanda succumbed to her werewolf instincts and chomped down on Jazzy’s neck. She wouldn’t release the bite, so the ref had no choice but to disqualify her.

Winner, by disqualification: Jazzy Fitbody

Backstage, Dexter Petticoat interviewed G.I. Broski (Matt Cardona) and Brian “Bone” Crunchin (Brian Myers), collectively known as S.T.O.M.P. in Paradise. They said they would beat the evil Russians tonight. They cut an 80s soldier inspired promo, including leading the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. This is the best thing these guys have done since joining Impact – seriously, they should consider keeping these characters full-time.

 

Match 11: S.T.O.M.P. in Paradise vs. The Russians (Sergei the Siberian and the Stalingrad Strangler (Mad Man Fulton and Tony Gunn))

This was a pretty standard tag match, with Crunchin taking a beating for most of it. He eventually was able to escape their corner and tag in Broski who took it to Stalingrad, nearly putting him away with a Broski Bootcamp, but Stalingrad grabbed the rope to break the count.

The advantage changed hands a few times with a lot of classic tag team match strategies being employed. In the end, S.T.O.M.P. used a water gun to blind the bigger Sergei, and then hit a double-team move on the Strangler to get the win.

After the match, S.T.O.M.P. celebrated with some PBRs in the ring.

Winners: S.T.O.M.P. in Paradise

They showed how Sex Ferguson defeated Downtown Daddy Brown for the title in an empty arena match some time ago. Petticoat introduced Ferguson, who came out dragging a garbage pail full of plunder. Ferguson accused Santa of being Downtown Daddy Brown in disguise and then insulted PBR.

 

Match 12: Sex Ferguson (c) vs. Santa Claus – North Pole Street Fight for the International Commonwealth Television Championship

Ferguson tried to introduce weapons into the match, but Santa was quicker and clubbed Sex with a crutch and then a broom. Some comedy spots ensued, including Santa riding Sex like a unicorn. Some crotch shots ensued, but Ferguson revealed he was wearing an athletic cup so was immune from crotchel-focused attacks. This let him gain the advantage and he used some more weapons to take control.

At one point, Ferguson tried to clobber Santa with his boot, but then Santa got hold of Ferguson’s other boot and they had a duel.

But then another low blow by Ferguson stopped Santa. Ferguson then grabbed a case of PBR and planned on slamming a can into Santa’s head, but then couldn’t resist the temptation of that delicious nectar. As he drank, Santa came up behind him, spun him around, kicked him in the gut and hit a Cold Stunner to get the pin and capture the championship.

 

After the match, Santa unmasked to reveal himself as Downtown Daddy Brown. All the babyfaces came out to join Brown in the celebration.

Winner, and new International Commonwealth Television Champion: Downtown Daddy Brown

 

 

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