Even Owens versus Balor cannot save a broken Raw

This Raw report is brought to you by the letter E. There are many words that start with E.

There’s enema.

There’s eulogy.

There’s earwax.

There’s Big E.

Coincidentally, these are all things that come to mind while I watch Raw.

To open the show, Big E (Error) blunders and stumbles down to the ring. I am surprised this joker hasn’t humped anything yet, to be honest. He blathers on about his Survivor Series foe: Roman Reigns. He has to “beat his ass like he stole something” because Roman hospitalized Kofi Kingston. He then moves onto Kevin Owens. He demands the “treacherous” Owens face him right now.

Owens obliges. He blames Big E (Error) for his loss against Rollins last week. He claims he was never lying but Big E has turned the locker room and the WWE universe against him. They can all go to hell.

“I am going to be the bad guy everyone wants me to be,” Owens promised. “Everything that happens from here on in is YOUR fault.”

Owens drops the microphone and leaves. Big E (Error) chases Owens.

Surprise!

The Usos jump Big E (Error) from behind. They beat him into the ground until Riddle makes the save.

As you might expect because they have pulled this crap so many times now it is just predictable WWE booking, Sonya Deville makes an executive decision. She wants everyone back in the ring for a tag team match.

Surprise!

Seth Rollins and his ridiculous, clown show wardrobe arrives just as Deville leaves.

Big E (Error) and Riddle versus The Usos

Rollins joins the announce team. He agrees with Big E (Error). Kevin Owens cannot be trusted. Rollins calls the Smackdown Survivor Series team a “bunch of bums”. Big E (Error) chucks one of the Usos into Rollins. Rollins gets in his face. Big E (Error) punches Rollins. An angry Rollins jumps into the ring and jumps Big E (Error). The official calls for the bell. The match is done like dinner. Randy Orton saves the faces RKOing one of the Usos.

Winners: N/A

Match Rating: 2 / 10

When we come back from commercial, another unimaginable turn of events. Rollins and Orton are added to a six-man tag team match. Surprise!

Big E (Error), Riddle and Randy Orton versus The Usos, Seth Rollins

Riddle takes the brunt of the offensive. The heels have kept him away from his corner. He finally hot tags Big E (Error) who uses up the five moves that he knows and is humping one of the Usos with his tongue hanging out of his mouth in mere seconds.

How can anyone take this dolt seriously?

Yup this entire segment has now taken up over 30 minutes of the show. I know. I checked.

Now, it is Orton who is cut off from his pals. The heels tag in and out crippling Orton just like they did to Riddle. Riddle is hot tagged. He rocks any heel that breathes. Rollins pins Riddle with a simple rolling elbow and a punch to the back of the head? What the hell?

The Usos try to double team Riddle but Orton is there for another RKO. Once everyone is gone except for the Jey Uso, Big E (Error) drops Jey with a Big Ending as a message for Roman Reigns.

Winners: The Usos, Seth Rollins

Match Rating: 5 / 10

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Bianca Belair addresses what Doudrop did to her last week. Doudrop stuck her nose in her business and will pay for that. Tamina interrupts. She says Belair should focus on her not Doudrop. Belair is happy to take her frustrations out on Tamina tonight.

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Before we get to that, Kevin Owens is accosted by Finn Balor backstage. He informs Owens that he is replacing Rollins in the scheduled match later tonight. So basically, Balor admits he is just a fill-in superstar. Owens says that’s too bad for Balor. Really, really too bad.

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Bianca Belair versus Tamina 

Tamina brings the battle to Belair. She drills her with a vicious clothesline and smashes her head into the canvass over and over. Instead of dancing like a moron as she usually does, Doudrop is backstage watching the match. Tamina goes up for the Superfly. Belair cuts her off bringing her crashing down. Belair lifts up Tamina for the KOD. Surprise!

Doudrop’s music hits. Drodrop comes out wearing a colorful dress and jacket as if she is heading out to a picnic after Raw. Doudrop says it would be sooo unfair of her to take on Belair since she just had a match but after Survivor Series she will be looking for Belair.

Well, at least she didn’t do that dumb ass dance.

Winner: Bianca Belair

Match Rating: 6 / 10

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Big Bore Becks heads to the ring. The humanoids cheer for her. Lynch calls herself the “biggest star in the industry” and promises to make Charlotte face all the demons from her past at Survivor Series. “I am going to to be the person who beats the ever-loving piss out of you,” bellows Lynch.

Another interrupted segment. Surprise! It is the only way WWE knows how to script segments, apparently.

Thankfully, Liv Morgan crashes the tantrum. She isn’t happy that Lynch is just ignoring her. Lynch shows a video clip of Morgan explaining how Lynch inspired her. She calls Morgan a “young lady”. For the record, Lynch is 34. Morgan is 27. Lynch insists that Morgan has “underperformed”.

“Some people have it and some people don’t,” she tells Morgan.

“I think we can all agree that Big Time Becks is just a Big Time Bitch,” spits Morgan.

Lynch attempts a Rock Bottom. Morgan counters sending Lynch out of the ring. Morgan holds up the title sending Becky into another tantrum.

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More talking. This time from Orton and Riddle. Orton warns Riddle about interjecting himself in everyone else’s business. “The only thing you need to concern yourself is RK-Bro and these titles,” warns Orton, even those are two things not one.  After Orton storms off, the Street Profits stop by to jibber jabber.

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The Street Profits versus The Alpha Academy

Chad Gable is with some dude whose head is shaped like an actual bucket. Just like the other tag team matches tonight, one team isolates a member of the other team. This time it is The Street Profits and Chad Gable. Gable moves Otis out of a corner before he can be splattered. The Street Profits take the fight to the floor. Otis steamrolls over them both. The Alpha Academy focuses their attack on the injured knee of Angelo Dawkins. Ford and Otis square off but Ford cannot budge the big man. Dawkins side-steps Otis on the floor. Otis crashes into a barricade. Ford catches Gable’s cross body rolling him up for the win. Surprise!

Winners: The Street Profits

Match Rating: 7 / 10

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In footage shot earlier today, Rey Mysterio chews out Adam Pearce for agreeing to put Dominik on the Survivor Series team and then doing what he did last week. Pearce punishes Mysterio for sticking up for his son by putting him in a match against Bobby Lashley.

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Nikki A.S.H, Rhea Ripley and Queen Zelina, Carmella have been put into two singles matches coming up next which means two times the fun for us. Right? Right? Oh, goody-goody. Lucky us.

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Nikki A.S.H. vs Queen Zelina

The crowd is out of this one and I don’t blame them. Nikki and the WWE is still shortening her nickname wrong. It should be A.A.S. or A.S. not A.S.H. “Superhero” is not two words. Zelina pins Nikki with a Code Red as Carmella distracts Nikki.

Winner: Queen Zelina

Match Rating: 3 / 10

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Rhea Ripley vs Carmella

The WWE cares about this match so much they went to commercial when it started. Ripley bounces Carmella around until Carmella super kicks her head into a steel post. Carmella delivers some more super kicks. Ripley pins her with a Riptide. Zelina stops the celebration by the faces with a phony English accent. Zelina insists that Carmella will lead the Survivor Series team to victory while Nikki is sitting at home figuring out how acronyms actually work.

Winner: Rhea Ripley

Match Rating: 7 / 10

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Adam Pearce checks in with Big E (Error). He warns him not to interfere in the match between Finn Balor and Kevin Owens tonight. If he does, things will turn out badly for Big E (Error). “I’ve got two words for you: Brock Lesnar,” says Pearce.

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Seth Rollins is heading home. He tells his chauffeur, or whomever that jabroni is, not to wake the baby as he takes his bags away. Funny that. Rollins says that after Survivor Series he is turning his attention to Big E (Error) and will beat him for the title. “Do not wake the baby!” yells Rollins one more time as he splits the scene.

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Finn Balor versus Kevin Owens

Wow. Two hours into the show and we get a decent match-up. Owens stomps Balor into the mat. A back elbow takes him down and a senton scores a two count for Owens. Balor cannot gain any momentum until he drop kicks Owens in the face. Owens pulls Balor to the floor. Balor grabs the top rope so he cannot be powerslammed. Balor gets back in the match with a double stomp to the chest and a splash on the floor. Balor surprisingly kicks out of a fireman’s carry slam from the top rope. Owens tells the humanoids to shut the hell up. I couldn’t agree more. Balor follows up a slingblade on Owens by getting a super kick to the face. Balor levels Owens with a shotgun drop kick into the ringside barricade. Balor rolls away from the Coup de Grace. He almost pins Balor with a sit-out powerbomb. Another shotgun drop kick sends Owens into a corner. Owens crotches Balor on the top as he goes for another Coup de Grace. Owens pins Balor with a stunner.

Winner: Kevin Owens

Match Rating: 7.5 / 10

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AJ Styles makes some bizarre Avengers references backstage. Then, to get a Peacock reference in, the Dirty Dawgs say they caught a movie on the service called Twins. It reminded them of Styles and Omos. Styles is Danny DeVito and Omos is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Seriously, who writes this crap?

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AJ Styles, Omos versus The Dirty Dawgs

Styles tags in Omos right away. Omos tosses Roode around like a toy, splashing him in a corner. A chop takes Roode clean off his feet. Omos gives Roode a snake eyes in his own corner so Ziggler can tag in. When Omos is done having his fun he tags in Styles so he can put Ziggler away with a Phenomenal Forearm.

Winners: AJ Styles, Omos

Match Rating: 7 / 10

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Bobby Lashley says Dominik Mysterio shouldn’t have been on the Survivor Series team to begin with. Lashley promises he will walk through all of Team Smackdown all on his own.

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Rey Mysterio versus Bobby Lashley

Dominik Mysterio gives his dad a piggyback to the ring…and his doom possibly. How many times are they going to do this father or son watching on in agony as their father or son is ravaged in the ring? Change the record already, WWE.

It takes forever for this match to start with all the breaks and commercials they cram in. Mysterio does the duck and weave game. A big boot to the face stops Mysterio in his tracks though. Adam Peace is shown watching in some hallway backstage. Doesn’t a GM have his own office? Dom distracts Lashley. Mysterio gives Lashley a hurricanrana into a steel post and a diving splash on the floor to take The Almighty off his feet. Lashley catches Mysterio though slamming him into the ringside barricade. Lashley swings Mysterio into the steel ring post. Lashley spikes Mysterio with a one-arm hanging suplex before trying to put his head through the mat with his foot. Lashley crashes into a turnbuckle and gets a 619. Mysterio splashes Lashley from the top rope. Lashley picks Mysterio right off the mat locking on the Hurt Lock. Mysterio submits. Lashley won’t release the hold at first. Dominik is pissed but doesn’t make any stupid moves.

Adam Pearce comes out and makes a public announcement. He is removing Rey Mysterio from the Survivor Series team. Austin Theory punks out Dominik. Pearce decides to replace Mysterio with Theory because…he likes his style? So, Pearce removes a living legend who has held championships all over the world with an unproven NXT call-up? Sure, WWE. Sure.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Match Rating: 7 / 10