Forty men. One ring. It’s time to riot in the City of Brotherly Love. We are sold out in Philadelphia, PA from the historic ECW Arena. Fight analyst St. Laurent and Rich Bocchini have the call, and the show begins with a hot crowd and….what in the name of Dario Cueto?! It’s Cesar Duran coming out to hot “Lucha” chants. He gets on the mike, and I’ll let him take over here:
“I’ve been told that this place is historic. I’ve been told that the people of this city, understand Lucha Libre. I’ve been told that this city could be a good place to build a Lucha temple. But, but, I think, all that is caca de la vaca (use Google Translate, kids). You are a bunch of imposters, because I don’t hear you. I don’t hear you! Welcome back, my Believers! Where are you? Where are you?!
(Chants of “Lucha! Lucha!” fill the ECW Arena)
My reputation for super luchas, and violence is second to none. I think you’re really familiar with my work, and you…show it to me! Show it to me! I’ve promoted the best luchas in the century. I’ve introduced you to the best luchadores in the sport, today. I’ve even created the most innovate matches of the century. I’ve reached an agreement with MLW by which my company, Azteca Underground. Yes! We promote fights for MLW, but wait. Wait, there is more. I’ve made a deal with Court Bauer, to be your matchmaker.”
From there, he asks the fans who they want as their next match. Wasting no time, out comes Myron Reed and Jordan Oliver. Duran asks “Who the F***” are they? Introductions abound courtesy of Reed, and they want the MLW tag titles. The MLW Draft title comes up….and LAX comes up with Konnan, Slice Boogie, Julius Smokes, and “your radioactive papi” Danny “Limelight” Rivera.
Konnan is on the stick and greets the Philly faithful and wants his crew up against Los Parks. Oliver says it’s time for Injustice, and doesn’t want that clown to cut in. LAX puts the boots to Injustice and wipe them dry. As they go outside, Reed launches from the ring to the outside and keep up the brawling.
Backstage with the Interview Queen, Alicia Atout and EJ Nduka drawing a number for the Battle Riot entry and ….we get a feed interruption with Contra Unit, and Josef promises viewers it’s a new season of terror. Strange, I though Jersey Shore was over and done with? Did I miss something?
Introduction to MLW Fusion Alpha, a mini-series. So…yeah. There ya go, folks
Backstage again with Alicia Atout with Team Filthy members “Filthy” Tom Lawlor and Kevin Ku, and Lawlor predicts he will be a two time winner. Ku got a good pick, and Lawlor…got a good tryout spin, but EJ comes back, and the Judge is in. Lawlor wonder what he’s judging, since His name has “Law” in there (he’s got a point). EJ is happy to show him, and Lawlor and Ku beat feet to the back.
But let’s get to the fun that is….
Battle Riot III
The rules are simple: There are no disqualifications, weapons are permitted, and a new man enters every 60 seconds. Eliminations are by pinfall, submission or throwing a wrestler over the top rope. Whoever wins gets a title shot anytime, anywhere! Got it? Good. Because I’m not typing that again.
Since recapping these battle royale type matches is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer, this is how it’s gonna go: I’ll notate the entrants in bold, followed by any eliminations. I’ll cover any big moves during the action, so let jump to
Entrant Number One: “The American Wolf” Davey Richards
The Philadelphia faithful are standing up for his return, and he’s followed closely by…
Entrant Number Two: “Filthy” Tom Lawlor
Lawlor comes out in a very denim outfit, and he takes off his Daisy Duke warmups to reveal…a second pair of Daisy Dukes. Just awesome. Bell rings and Richards and Lawlor try to get early submissions to start, and there is no sign of ring rust on the American Wolf. Richards with an ankle pick, and the clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Three: TJP
TJP goes for an Octopus Stretch on Richards, but Richards frees up to get in ankle lock on TJP. The clock counts down again for…
Entrant Number Four: Lee Moriarty
Moriarty gets with his “Taiga Style”, making TJP eat an X -actor and he cinches an armbar on Lawlor. Clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Five is …”Rip von Erich”
This “Not Von Erich” gets into the mix, but it’s Richards and Moriarty making a wish with TJP, and TJP at the bad end of his…(Hips….waitasec, this isn’t the Peacock. F*** this noise. I’m redoing that and saying he gets the bad end of his) groin. Remember, kids, when in doubt, flock to the ‘Cock.
Moving along, the clock counts down next to…
Entrant Number Six: King Mo.
Mo gangs up on Richards, and Lawlor uses the opportunity to sink in a single leg crab. Richards is still fighting through the hold as the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Seven: Calvin Tankman
The Superheavyweight comes in and brings the Heavyweight Hustle, takes Moriarty’s head with a spinning back elbow. Richards kicks away, and Tankman chops down The American Wolf. Now the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Eight: Arez
It’s The Master of Strange Style, as he super kicks away at the participants in the ring. But the clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Nine: Gringo Loco
Things get lucha-rific, as Loco gets Arez in a reverse Samoan drop, making Arez land face first. Loco then gets TJP in a gorilla press, and drops him the hard way to a standing moonsault splash. But not to be outdone is….
Entrant Number Ten: Zenshi
Zenshi comes in and code breakers away all the participants…except for Tankman. Tankman catches Zenshi, and sends him out of the ring to the timekeeper table, but he didn’t touch the floor. At this point, let’s call it the Kofi Kingston rule. But now the clock counts down and it’s….
Entrant Number Eleven: Aramis
From there….I can’t do the moves justice, so I’m gonna cheat a bit and have you see this snippet of the action…
Entry #11 It's one of Mexico's exciting luchadors @AramisLuchador #BATTLERIOT
▶️https://t.co/qt8MdGxFSN pic.twitter.com/sHnTQg0Bhu
— Major League Wrestling (@MLW) July 25, 2021
Next up is…
Entrant Number Twelve: Alex Kane
It was explained to me a while back that Kane is a Suplex Assassin, and he hits variations of T-Bone and Exploder suplexes. Tankman takes on Kane, and gets a German suplex for his trouble. Eat your heart out, Taz. Next up is…
Entrant Number Thirteen: Myron Reed
The young G.O.A.T. is fired up, and it’s a stunner to Moriarty, and send him over the rope, but doesn’t touch the ground. King Mo knocks out Zenshi to the outside, but feet never touch the ground, as they’re hanging from the guardrails. Once again, the Kofi/John Morrison rule take effect here. This leads to the clock count down for…
Entrant Number Fourteen: Savio Vega
The Boricua Brawler comes in with a Singapore cane and just smacks everyone upside the head with it (Quick Ruling: I dub his weapon “The Azúcar Cane”, because sugarcane is in Puerto Rico, and beating someone with the cane is just “sweet revenge”. We now resume your regular recapping) Anyway, The crowd chants for “Vega”, and Zenshi picks himself up and handstand walks his way back to the ring. The clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Fifteen: Jordan Oliver
Big Move has Oliver send Zenshi over the rope, but his sense of balance has him hanging from the ropes, and then twist his body to take out Oliver’s legs from under the ring. Oliver powders outside from under the rings (a legal move), and as Zenshi stands up on the outside apron, Reed goes for his leaping cutter to Zenshi, but Oliver catches his Injustice partner and sends him to the other side. Clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Sixteen: The Beastman
Again, for folks not familiar with The Beastman, imagine a modern day Kamala but, y’know…white. Beastman goes face to face with Tankman, delivering elbows until the Heavyweight Hustle drops. TJP gets in Beastman’s face, and Beastman bites at TJP face. Still no eliminations, as the clock counts down to…
Entrants Number Seventeen and Eighteen: Slice Boogie and Danny “Limelight” Rivera
They come to the ring with a shopping cart o’ plunder (probably from The Bodega, but I digress), and somewhere New Jack is smiling for The Great Rafter Above. Limelight sets a wood plank in the corner, and Boogie rams Reed and Oliver through the plank. No time for “EC-Dub” chants, as the clocks counts down to…
Entrant Number Nineteen: Matt Cross
As Cross enters the ring, Vega is pinned as Limelight takes the Azúcar Cane and knock out the Boricua Brawler with his own weapon.
Elimination: Savio Vega
As the crowd chants for Vega, the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Twenty: Bu Ku Dao
Dao has unfinished business with his former mentor TJP, sending him straight through to the guardrails. While that’s going on outside, “Filthy” Tom Lawlor is sent over the ropes by Richards, and we have a…
Second Elimination: “Filthy” Tom Lawlor
No Two-time winner for Lawlor, as he leaves dejected as the clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Twenty-One: Marshall Von Erich
Aloha, bitches, because Marshall slaps the Iron Claw Slam to his “Family member” Rip Von Erich for the pin. Boogie also knocks Aramis from the Top rope, and we have
Eliminations: Rip Von Erich and Aramis
Clock counts down and we now have…
Entrant Number Twenty-Two: EJ Nduka
At this point, the 6’8” Nduka is getting the “Diesel Push” in this battle riot as he sends out Beastman out, almost sent out Zenshi, but succeeds with Gringo Loco. Thus, we have
Eliminations: Beastman and Gringo Loco
Now it’s time for a surprise, as the clock counts downs for…
Entrant Number Twenty-Three: Kim Chee
Faster than you can say, ”Kamala”, Nduka sends over Zenshi, King Mo, and Kim Chee, and throws out Arez. So for those of you keeping score…
Eliminations: Zenshi, King Mo, and Kim Chee, and Arez
The clock counts down and the next entrant is a surprise. It’s even, dare I say it…
Entrant Number Twenty-Four: “Outlandish” Zickey Dice
As Dice strutted to the ring, Dao tried to step up to Nduka, only to be send out. Thus, Nduka gets another…
Elimination: Bu Ku Dao
The clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Twenty-Five: Kevin Ku.
Ku Goes straight to Dice and gives him kicks and a brainbuster that knocks him outlandishly loopy. Cross goes for Nduka, and gets sent over the top, for another…
Elimination: Matt Cross
Next up as the clocks counts down is another blue chipper…
Entrant Number Twenty-Six: KC Navarro
As Navarro gets into the fray, Nduka and Tankman stare down, and slug away, with neither man giving an inch, and the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Twenty-Seven: Lance Anoa’i
As another member of The Samoan Dynasty makes his way to the ring, Moriarty is out by Tankman, and then Tankman and Nduka get sent over the ring. Injustice send out the LAX member Boogie and Limelight. But, LAX ain’t feeling all that, and they grab the legs of Injustice to send them to the floor, slugging away to the back. So now we have…
Eliminations: Lee Moriarty, Calvin Tankman, EJ Nduka, Slice Boogie, Danny “Limelight” Rivera.
Next up is another surprise…
Entrant Number Twenty-Eight: “L.A. Park”
I put that in quotes since This “L.A. Park”, although rocking the chair, is slimmer and smaller. In any case, Marshall gets he Iron Claw and rips off the mask, and …wait a minute it’s “Filthy” Tom Lawlor, and out he goes. What a filthy thing to do.
Elimination….Again: “Filthy” Tom Lawlor a.k.a. “L.A. Park”
We’re slowly reaching endgame as the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Twenty-Nine: Simon Gotch
As the Contra member gets in the ring, Anoa’i sends Richards out with a super kick, and with that, the first entrant in the Battle Riot is now…
Eliminated: Davey Richards
The clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Thirty: Daivari
The odds are starting to stack in Contra Unit’s favor, as Daivari takes the flag of Contra to choke out KC Navarro. But there may be a surprise or two, as the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Thirty-One: The Blue Meanie
The crowd comes unglued, and chants of “BWO” erupts throughout the ECW Arena. Daivari takes on Meanie, and I’m betting he’s thankful JBL isn’t involved.
*Ahem*
Next up, as the clock counts down is…
Entrant Number Thirty-Two: Ikuro Kwon
The missing Contra Unit member is seeing action for the first time, and starts stacking up the odds, favoring Contra Unit, until the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Thirty-Three: Ross Von Erich
The younger Von Erich tries to make an impact to the members of Contra Unit, but the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Thirty-Four: Josef Samael
The Contra Unit leader comes to the ring with a spike, and uses it on Ross Von Erich, and giving him a neckbreaker for a count of two. Samael has Ross in a Camel clutch with the spike pressed to his temple, but now the clock counts down to…
Entrant Number Thirty-Five: Alex Hammerstone
Your Boy Hammer comes decked in Hulk Hogan-esque colors, brother, and starts on pummeling Samael but the clock counts down again for…
Entrants Number Thirty-Six: The Sentai Death Squad
Two jobbers count as one entrant because…why not. But, for the purpose of journalistic integrity, I dub thee Sentai-Dee and Sentai Dumb. But the clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Thirty-Seven: Kwang the Ninja
Kwang comes in and uses nunchakus to even the odds, but he soon loses the weapon, but it wouldn’t do any good, since the clock counts down for…
Entrant Number Thirty-Eight: King Muertes
The Death Dealer of Azteca Underground gets into the ring, and Kwang green mists The Blue Meanie, and Muertes pins for…
Elimination: The Blue Meanie
The crowd is not happy with that at all, as chants of “Meanie” echo in the former bingo parlor. But the clock keeps counting for one of the final two…
Entrant Number Thirty-Nine: Gino Medina
“El Intocable” tries to get a quick pin on both Von Erichs to no avail, but it’s all downhill as we get to…
The Final Entrant Number Forty: Mads Krügger
Anoa’i gets into Krügger’s face, and he sends the Samoan over the top, thus we have your next…
Elimination: Lance Anoa’i
Hammer takes it to the Black Hand of Contra, while King Muertes eliminates Kwang with a Straight to Hell (flatliner) for the pin.
Elimination: Kwang the Ninja
The Von Erichs take advantage of the situation, and send Muertes out of the ring, which now gives us…
Elimination: King Muertes
It’s now Your Boy Hammer and the Von Erichs facing the numbers of Contra Unit, and they send Sentai Dee out, followed by Sentai Dumb. Next, Kwon succumbs to Marshall in an Iron Claw Slam to the apron.
Eliminations: Sentai Death Squad and Ikuro Kwon
Krügger sends the Von Erichs out, and Hammerstone sends out Gotch at the same time
Eliminations: The Von Erichs and Simon Gotch
Now Hammerstone and Krügger are left in the ring, and this is a straight power match, with fans chanting “F*** him up, Ham-mer. F*** him up! *clap clap*” Krügger gets the better of Your Boy Hammer, and goozles Hammer….but Hammer fights off the attack, and hits the rope to walk into a Krügger full nelson slam for a count of two. Krügger upset he got up, and goes on the offense, choke slamming Hammerstone for another count of two.
Hammer starts to hulk…errr, Hammer up, punches at The Black Hand and runs up into a big boot. Fans chant for Hammer, and Krügger picks up the spike, but Hammerstone ducks but gets the clothesline from Krügger. Krügger grabs at Hammerstone, but Your boy Hammer managed to grab the spike, and he drives it into his boot, then his midsection, and sends Krügger over the top, which leaves…
Your Winner: Your Boy Hammerstone
After the match, Hammerstone grabs the Contra Unit flag and rips it up Hulk style. The MLW Heavyweight champion Jacob Fatu comes out ready to fight, and Samael has to talks him out of it. Meanwhile, Hammerstone celebrates with the fans and one giddy woman is happy Hammer gets her baby oil, and oils up for a pose down as the show fades to black.
Final Thoughts:
If you’re start back up a show, you start it with a hot Philly crowd. This new storyline on “Azteca Underground” is very intriguing, especially if you’re a fan of the old “Lucha Underground” series. How this will mesh with MLW remains to be seen, but the fans are digging it.
As for the Battle Riot, Hammer getting the win is the obvious choice, but the potential matchups that were offered will prove to be the driving factor in the days and weeks ahead.
We’ll keep up the coverage, and see you in seven days!