Monday Night Raw: The cost of engaging in The Hurt Business

Welcome everyone to Monday night, and folks….Raw Is Milagro. Yes your Lucid Luchador is here because the card is subject to change, and get ready for Squared Circle Snark like you (maybe) never seen before, along with a wrestling match or two tonight (and I’m being generous, here).

Show starts with a cold open to the Lashley/Strowman match last week where Lashley got the w but McIntyre laid them out. And with six days away from WrestleMania Backlash, this is the final push before the PPV, with a lot of question…like, why the hell is it titled “WrestleMania Backlash”? And please, dear Lord in Heaven, let’s not have two nights of this nonsense.

Anyway, we are live from the ThunderDome, your “commentators” Adnan Virk, Corey Graves, and Byron Saxton have the call, and we start with your First Match of the night…

Six-Women Tag Team match: WWE Women’s Tag Team Champs Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler (with Reginald) and Charlotte Flair vs. Dana Brooke, Mandy Rose, and Asuka

This is a tune up for the PPV, but with the exception of Asuka and Baszler, this match does not add or detract. Meanwhile, Alex Bliss swings with her creepy doll, saying she wants to keep their eye on…someone. Who is it? That’s a questions that will be addressed by…

ADS.

Coming back, Asuka manages to get the pin on Baszler (after she couldn’t move her leg for some odd reason).

Your Winners: Dana Brooke, Mandy Rose, and Asuka

Charlotte is upset by the loss, and clotheslines Asuka, and Bliss is outside laughing like a loon. Yeah, that ain’t creepy at all.

Backstage and New Day chats with Riddle (who, let’s face it, is really Rob Van Dam 2.0….bro). Riddles and New Day chat about last week, and how funny it was that Elias and Jaxson Ryker pelted Randy Orton by mistake instead of The New Day, and this is why they have a big match. But Kingston and Woods mentions that someone doesn’t find this funny. Riddle turns around…and it’s Orton. Riddles mentions he’s likes the fact they’ll get to tag team again tonight, and Orton says he likes other things; like ending careers, killing legends, and kicking people in the face. But strangely, he doesn’t seem to like using the English language.

In another corner of the ThunderDome, MVP is in Strowman’s locker taking with someone, and MVP wants to talk business, and how Strowman could help in injuring McIntyre before Backlash, he could get a championship shot. I feel dumber by just typing that.

It was announced that Damian Priest will go up against The Miz for WrestleMania Backlash. He’s with Adam Pearce, and Priest suggests for tonight’s match w/ John Morrison they add this to sweeten the match: whoever wins picks the stipulation. Miz disagrees, but Johnny accepts, much to Miz’s chagrin.

Jinder Mahal is back, and has some backup with Veer and Shanky (or, as I’m calling them, the “Better Bollywood Boys.” Hey, it’s better than The Viking Experience….ahem).

Jinder Mahal vs Jeff Hardy (with Veer & Shenky)

So, two things: first, Mahal has a shaved head, so he’s aerodynamic. Second, this is a squash match, when it comes down to it (and as much as I like Jeff Hardy), I do not recap squash matches.

So enjoy this squash recipe in its place.

If you want to know what happened, the “Modern-day Maharaja” manhandles Hardy, and gets the big running Knee and the Khallas for the win.

Your Winner:  Jinder Mahal

Backstage, Sonya Deville and Charlotte are talking about…something.

Now Elias and Ryker with tomatoes, and Styles (with evil goatee) talk about crushing the opposition, and Omos says they’ll squeeze the life out of them, like tomatoes. Because, as Styles points out, they don’t like tomatoes.

Double-Sigh, for this is coming up as your next match…

8-Man Tag Match: Riddle, Randy Orton, The New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. Elias, Jaxson Ryker, and the Raw Tag Team champions Omos and AJ Styles

Basically, Omos decimates the faces to start…until Orton comes in, and they go to…

ADS (ugh!)

We come back, and Elias is going to work on Riddle, and he’s your Bro in Peril. He manages to make the tag to Xavier Woods, and it’s the New Day with the offense, but Styles spinebusters that fight out of Woods, and Woods is a New Day in Peril, as Ryker and Elias work over Woods. It looks bad, but Woods tags Riddle, who is a Bro En Fuego. Riddle gets the Bro Derek to Elias, but Omos breaks up the pin. New Day works over Styles outside, and Omos goes out to help his partner. Elias is back inside the ring, and he eats a RKO OUTTA NOWHERE for the pin.

After the match, New Day and Riddle celebrate, and Orton RKOs the New Day. Riddle looking on at Orton, going, “Bro, you’ll never make any friends doing this!”, and Orton gives that unmistakable look of a man heavy in thought of why 2+2 equals four. Dare ya to prove me wrong.

Backstage again, and it’s Sonya Deville who’s with the Raw Women’s champion, Rhea Ripley. Deville says after her talk with Flair, she set this match with Asuka tonight. Rhea’s not happy, because it’s just going to wear them both out for the PPV, and Asuka enters and says will take her on, regardless. Rhea obliges, knowing she’ll knock her block off.

Now we go to Kevin Patrick backstage with MVP and Bobby Lashley on the deal MVP made with Strowman. MVP says he don’t deal with business on air, and tells him get outta here. Well, that was worth my time (*eye roll*).

Sheamus vs Humberto Carrillo

Just as I was getting ready to find another squash recipe, something happened. I saw….a wrestling match. Granted, Carrillo hasn’t been getting much success, but tonight looks like that can change. While Sheamus was firmly in control, giving Carrillo a Dublin smile (to which Graves says, “Why so serious?” Heh, nice touch.), Carrillo stays in the fight. Carrillo even managed to counter Sheamus’ power moves with a top rope huracanrana, and a sunset flip powerbomb on Sheamus from the ring to the outside on the floor. The landing was truly ugly, as Carrillo landed awkwardly on his tailbone, and Sheamus’ weight crashes on Carrillo’s mid-section. Carrillo looks legitimately in pain, and the ref calls the match, as a doctor goes to look on Carrillo.

Your Winner via Referee Stoppage: Sheamus

Vignette to introduce Lince Dorado and Gran Metallik. They the Lucha House Party, and they’re Lucha Lit. Yeah, but they’re no Lucha Brothers.  Just sayin’.

WWE: Eva Marie is coming back.
Me: (in full Michael Scott mode) No, God! Please, God, No! No!! NOOOOOOO!!!

This match should cleanse that image from my eyes.

Cedric Alexander vs. Shelton Benjamin

The tag teams is breaking up, because Alexander is in his prime, and he doesn’t want to waste his life carrying a has-been like Benjamin. Much of the match has Alexander with the advantage, catching Benjamin with a dragonscrew leg whip as Benjamin was crossing in the ropes. Alexander also locks a beautiful heel hook to Benjamin, who reverses to a Sharpshooter. Alexander goes to ropes to break the hold, and delivers a drop kick to Benjamin’s hurt knee and drop kicks him to the outside. Alexander goes for a suicide dive to the outside that connects, and he goes back in the ring, and goes to the well once too often, as Benjamin connects with a jumping knee with elevation from the outside to a diving Alexander. Back in, Benjamin with a T-Bone Suplex and the win.

Your Winner: Shelton Benjamin

The moral of the story; don’t mess with old men, Cedric.

Angel Garza getting photographed, and Drew Gulak is upset from last week as the rose was shoved down the back of his pants as he got kicked. Garza says next time, it’ll be shoved down his throat.

But let’s get to the next match…

Asuka vs. WWE Raw Women’s Champion Rhea Ripley

Rhea playing mind games with Asuka early on, and physically has the stamina since she’s fresh and Asuka hasn’t caught her wind from the earlier match. Match is all Rhea Ripley until Charlotte Flair makes her way in a slinky cat suit, staring daggers at the champ, and we then get…

ADS (Dude, Seriously?)

We come back, and Flair is with the “commentators”, as Graves sucks up to Flair like a modern day Jerry “The King” Lawler. Rhea is in the driver’s seat, and she looks to Flair on outside. She takes Asuka outside the ring, and manhandles….errr, womanhandles Asuka with ease, while eyeing Flair. Back in the ring, and Ripley with a fisherman’s suplex and gets a two count. Rhea goes for the Riptide, and Asuka blocks for a pinning attempt, but gets two. Rhea goes to Flair, but Asuka gets a hip attack from the commentators’ desk to Ripley, and missile dropkicks her back in the ring to cover for a two count. But is all her brutality, as Rhea gets the Riptide and the pin for the win.

Your Winner: Rhea Ripley

Backstage with Kevin Patrick, who’s with Drew McIntyre. As for MVP getting into his business with Strowman, he says he’s about to take care of both Lashley and Strowman.

But let’s get to the second big match…

John Morrison (with The Miz) vs. Damian Priest

Priest displays his power over Johnny Drip Drip, but his mastery of Parkour and Capoeira are too much, such as when he takes Priest with a cartwheel to a beautiful knee for a count of two. With his high flying offense, it can’t stop an elbow from Priest to Morrison. They go outside, and MIZ takes the sport coat off gets ready to throw down but then it comes to…

ADS (Double-sigh!!)

We come back to the action, and Priest in control in the ring. But he goes outside to try and catch Morrison, and is caught by a Miz legsweep. Morrison gets Priest back in the ring with a nice cravat, but a spinning heel kick by Priest breaks it up. Now, the educated feet of Priest get the better of Morrison, and a Falcon Arrow get just a two count. Priest goes up top, but Morrison gives chase and gets shoved down to the mat. From there, Priest hits a spinning kick from up top that drills Johnny Drip Drip for a two count.  Miz gets up top to distract the ref, and Morrison manages to roll up Priest, and Miz tries to get refs attention, but Priest kicks out at two. Finally, Priest gets Morrison and Hits the Lights on Johnny Drip Drip.

Your Winner: Damian Priest

Miz can’t believe his luck, and Priest delivers another Hit the Lights for emphasis.

Backstage, Strowman meets Lashley and they stare down. Feel the tension, everyone.

Priest goes to Adam Pearce and names the stipulation for Backlash: he wants a lumberjack match, and Pearce agrees. At least some WWE Superstars will get some PPV time on the Peacock.

But let’s get to the Main Event, and put this beast to bed…

Drew McIntyre vs. Bobby Lashley

Bell Rings, and both try to end early with their finishers, but no dice, monsignor!. Lashley has McIntyre in a headlock, and keeps cinched, then uses ropes to slingshot McIntyre’s throat, and hits a running shoulder tackle to the corner turnbuckle to the stunned Scotsman. This is just a brawling match, with neither man gaining the upper hand. Soon, both men go outside the ring, and McIntyre hits a suplex on the outside and that turns into…

ADS (mega-SIGHHHHHHH!!!!!)

We come back, and McIntyre is firmly in control, but Lashley stops his momentum, and hits a flatliner for a two count. Lashley tries a suplex, but McIntyre gets in his own delayed vertical suplex, and gets a two count. With Lashley in the corner, Drew rushes for a tackle, but Lashley dodges the attack. Back outside the ring, and Lashley gets Drew in a fireman’s carry, and rams his head to the ring post.

Lashley goes for the spear, but McIntyre sidesteps, and sends him back first to the turnbuckles. Both men slug away, but McIntyre finally overcomes Lashley with suplexes and a neckbreaker to slow down The All Mighty. McIntyre with a Futureshock DDT gets countered Lashley, but not a Glasgow Kiss. Lashley is dazed, and McIntyre delivers a spinebuster, but gets a two count. McIntyre goes for a spear, but Lashley one-ups with a crossbody block. He then tries to cinch the Hurt Lock, but McIntyre powers out. He connect with the Claymore, but then Braun Strowman’s music hits, and the big man comes out, and gets McIntyre with a running powerslam. The ref sees this and has no choice but to call for the DQ.

Your Winner via Disqualification: Drew McIntyre

Lashley thanks Strowman, and he reciprocates…by giving Lashley a running powerslam, then back to McIntyre for another, and Strowman goes outside to Lashley for a power slam through the barricade. Strowman rips off his shirt, and reminds everyone that he is a Monster, as we fade to black.