Total Bellas: Brie forces JJ to be Spanish. Nikki makes all the alcohol vanish. Artem isn’t all that mannish. Why can’t this show just be banished?

On this season, the big story has been the twins trying to connect with their estranged father. But it’s their relationships with their own men that have suffered. Or, more accurately, it’s their men who have suffered. Nobody more than Artem, who has to put up with Nikki’s nonsense yet again. Check out the recap for all the details.

The twins go to a record shop, and they try to look for a Spanish record that their father used to play back in the day. Then they practice speaking Spanish and dance the tango (no wonder Nikki lost on Dancing with the Stars – she’s horrible).

Later, they start considering how to expand their wine brand with a Mexican offering, and say “Mexico” a dozen times in about a minute. It seems that they are really going to push the fact that this episode aired during Cinco de Mayo week. So for this episode, I’m using tequila to play the “Total Bellas Drinking Game” (rules available upon request – it really helps make the show tolerable… well, less intolerable).

They say that they want to visit their father again, and this time, want their brother JJ to go with them, despite the fact that he wants nothing to do with their father.

Later, Nikki and Artem are out, and Artem whines that he doesn’t get to see her enough. She suggests they go out dancing for a date night. They get weirded out by the guy washing windows beside them, but like most people, that guy doesn’t know who Artem is.

Brie goes to visit JJ and she gifts his daughters some Mexican-themed dresses. He calls her out on her new-found love for all things Mexican, and she accuses him of eschewing his Mexican roots because he hates his dad.

At Artem’s, the twins are hosting a Temptation Island premiere watch party. Is that show still a thing? Nikki double-booked this, and as a result, she forgot about her date night with Artem. She tells him to pick her up after the party, and they can go out. But she has too much to drink (Brie Mode!!) and Artem is unimpressed when he arrives. Particularly when he sees her drunkenly flirting with some other guy.

Artem gets jealous, because if anyone is going to flirt with another man, its’ him, so he storms off, telling Brie why he’s leaving. Brie tells Nikki, but Nikki is too sloshed to care. Then she says she’s going to find another guy to dance with, just to spite Artem. Artem comes back, and sees Nikki flirting with another guy – and asking him to teach her how to dance – and Artem leaves again. Brie chases him, and apologizes on Nikki’s behalf, and asks him to come back once more.

He does, and Nikki is dancing with the guy (Lewis, apparently a friend of the twins), and Artem sits down and sulks. He gets up and leaves yet again (and if he was smart, would leave for good), but then Nikki chases him down. Instead of apologizing, she gets all angry-drunk at him. Brie tries to argue Artem’s point, but Nikki is on a drunken high horse, and lashes out at both of them. Artem leaves yet again, telling Brie that Nikki needs to figure things out.

After the party, a drunken Nikki slurs out some more attitude towards Artem. He tells her that he was hurt by her disrespect, but she’s still sloshed and isn’t hearing any of it, making him out to be the bad guy. He leaves his own house to avoid any further confrontation, instead of kicking her to the curb like he should have.

The next day, Nikki tells Brie that she was triggered by Artem’s jealousy, because of her past disastrous relationships, so basically, he’s to blame. Artem – pull a John Cena, run away and never look back. Nikki says that she won’t be in a relationship with someone if she has to defend all of her drunken antics, even if they are hurtful to the guy she’s with.

Artem finally returns home, and Nikki says they should talk about what happened. She says that she got angry because he got jealous when she was only doing some harmless drunken flirting at work. He defended himself, saying that he wasn’t thrilled about his girlfriend skipping date night to drunkenly throw herself at other men.

They ask each other what they want in this relationship. With that question in the air, she apologizes. He forgives, but in a talking head segment, says he won’t forget what she did. She says that she needs him to put up with her BS if he wants to continue to sponge off of her fame and fortune, and like the total loser he is, he agrees to comply.

The next day, Brie drags Nikki to a tamale shop to learn how to become super Mexican. Kathy goes along, because what else does she have going on. They lament that JJ didn’t join them (though his wife Lauren did). Brie asks why, and Lauren tells Brie that JJ think she’s overbearing with all of this Mexican stuff. She explains that JJ is doing well without having his dad in his life, so the twins need to respect that and back off.

Later, Nikki and Kathy are at brunch, and Nikki declines having a drink. Not because she learned her lesson from the whole Artem argument. But rather because she thinks there’s a chance that she may be pregnant. I guess that must have been a deleted scene with that guy Lewis? Kathy asks what Artem thinks, but Nikki says she hasn’t told him yet. And that she doesn’t want to be pregnant.

Later on, Brie and JJ go to a Mexican ice cream place, and she keeps pressing him on the whole Spanish thing. He admits that he wishes he knew a bit more about his heritage, but he isn’t going to force the issue. Brie gets that he has to take his own journey, and if that ever includes his dad, that’s for JJ to decide, and she won’t interfere.

Kathy comes over with a gift for Nikki – a pregnancy test. Nikki is afraid to take it, because she fails at every test. They call Brie, and Kathy spills the beans about Nikki’s possible pregnancy. They pressure Nikki into taking it, and she relents. But before she can do it, Artem walks in the room, to a suspenseful cliffhanger. Which is appropriate, because after this episode, I want to jump off a cliff or hang myself.