Never fear, loyal SLAM! Wrestling readers. A computer virus and a flu won’t stop our continuing coverage of Total Divas. Though, it did delay it. Which is why we’re catching up with this mammoth triple-shot marathon today. These episodes are focused on the escalating war between Nattie and Lana. But there’s also plenty of guns, drugs, alcohol, breasts, and cute little farm animals. Everything that makes life worthwhile. Check out the recap for all the details.
At home, trying to fend off the heat, Brie gets a text from her mother about a charity that supplies families with new babies with breast milk. Brie is curious about the concept, though Nikki seems a bit put off by the concept. Amen to that.
How is this the first time we’ve learned that Maryse’s mother lives with her and Miz? We find out when they come back home and she tells them that she heard someone break into their house the night before when they were at TV. It marked the third time someone’s robbed their place. They immediately go through the bad-TV-show cliche ideas of either buying a gun (dismissed because Maryse doesn’t want her 64-year old mother toting lead) or building a wall/fence (they have one already), so they start debating moving out of the neighbourhood. Miz is opposed, but Maryse is too scared to consider staying there. Not sure why they didn’t consider hiring security guards, but I assume that wouldn’t make for enough drama to fill the episode.
Brie and Bryan head to a meeting with the lady who runs the breast milk charity. Both of them are keenly-interested in the cause, and have a number of questions. They let Brie visit a mother who can’t produce enough healthy milk for her newborn twins, and this tugs on Brie’s heartstrings, so she’s all-in.
At TV, WWE suit Mark Carrano tells Lana that, despite having been told she won’t be wrestling again, after she forced Creative to put her in a match (as documented in the recap for the last episode), they’ve now changed direction, and she will be wrestling again – at least once, during the Battleground PPV event, where she will be a participant in a Fatal Five-way match. Lana’s understandably thrilled.
Miz insists that Maryse’s mom get some training on how to use a gun, so they take her to the gun range. She’s simply terrible at it, and can barely even hold the weapon. Maryse is even more worried when on the way home, her mom is feeling physically unwell after the exertion.
Brie is going to Comic-Con, her first major appearance after the baby. Before she heads out, though, she insists on pumping mil, as she has a quota to fill – 100 ounces, which I don’t know whether that’s difficult for a woman to pump out, but it’s over eight beer bottles worth, so maybe?
Backstage, Miz angrily confronts Maryse about media reports that their house is up for sale, and pointedly asks her if she listed their place without asking him. She admits she did, even though he had told her he wasn’t interested in moving. She says she doesn’t feel safe in their own house, so she felt she had no choice but to consider options. She says that she won’t feel safe having kids in that house, and that she’s trying to help them build a life together, which is bigger than that house.
During a lunch break at Comic-Con, Brie continues pumping, which gains an unusual amount of interest from Renee Young, who gawks uncomfortably at what’s going on – sorry, Renee, no alcohol in that bottle, so feel free to move on. Renee’s there, by the way to interview the Bellas and a bunch of the other women as part of the launch of the new WWE Barbie doll line, which they say is all about women’s empowerment. After the convention, Brie confides in Nikki that she’s stressed about having to pump out 100 ounces, that she’s not even halfway there with less than a week to go.
Nattie and Nia visit Carmella’s place in Orlando, as all the women are in that town to act as support for the competitors in the Mae Young Classic. They start gossiping about Lana, who’s incessantly texting Nattie. Nattie complains about Lana’s texting, saying she’s asking too many questions, wants to talk about wrestling 24/7, and that she’s tired of her constantly bothering her. In a talking head segment, Nattie says that while she doesn’t mind providing advice to Lana, it’s recently been driving her crazy. They diagnose it as Lana being too reactive to the criticism she’s been getting from the internet wrestling community. Then, in a funny-but-sad moment, they all share some of the bashing each of them have received from online trolls. Lana shows up shortly thereafter.
It doesn’t take long before she shoots off her mouth and things spiral downwards quickly. She starts off by sniping with Nattie about who texts the other more, and then she says that the only women who aren’t rude are Alexa Bliss and Carmella, which is like, hey, F.U., Nattie and Nia, who are sitting right there. Nattie tells Lana she’s driving everyone crazy with her ambition, and the scene devolves into a big argument. Lana argues that the others should be more supportive of her and help her learn and grow, and Nattie is like, slow down, it takes some time. Then some major truth-bombs get dropped. Nattie says Lana shouldn’t be in the business. Lana counters by bringing up Nattie’s poor promo and acting skills, and then drags Nia under that bus as well. Nia doesn’t take this well, and starts firing back, only to be called lazy by Lana. Honestly, this may be the best segment ever on this show. #PipeBombs
At home, Brie’s at 40 ounces and the clock is ticking. Bryan reminds her that Birdie should be the priority and don’t dry yourself out for other peoples’ kids. And then confuses her with simple arithmetic. Hopefully, the stupidity gene doesn’t get transmitted through drinking breast milk.
Backstage, Nattie pulls Carrano aside, and starts making snarky comments to him about Lana. He wants nothing to do with that drama, and tells Nattie that she needs to “be a team player,” and that he wants her to help Lana, not knock her.
The Mae Young Classic starts, and dang, is it good to hear Jim Ross on commentary. Lita not so much. After the show, Nattie, Nia, and Alexa congratulate some of the competitors, noting that the tournament is all about empowering women, not unlike the Barbie dolls. Idea: a stop-motion animation tournament with Barbie dolls… that’s money, right there. Nattie realizes that maybe she took things too far in criticizing Lana’s passion, and wants to talk to her. But makes no bones about it that their friendship has been irreparably damaged by some of the things that Lana said.
At home, Maryse gets a call from her realtor, and there’s a full-price cash offer for the house on the table. Maryse brings Miz into the call, and he’s stunned into silence. Despite not wanting to sell originally, when he hears “full price”, you can see the dollar signs go off in his eyes, and the wheels start turning in his brain. He still is ticked that Maryse listed the house without talking to him, but ultimately, he excitedly says that they’re moving.
It’s the end of the milk drive, and Brie was only able to donate 35 ounces. She feels bad, but the organizers reassure her that every little bit helps. They’re grateful for her donation, and when she meets some more people who rely on the charity for milk, they’re like, thanks for the mammaries.
The Fatal Five-way match happens, with the winner getting a title shot against Naomi at SummerSlam. Nattie ends up winning, so she’d better learn how to cut a good promo soon. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t.
Jimmy Uso is taking Naomi out for a surprise road trip, destination to parts unknown. Actually, it ends up being a video game arcade. Though it doesn’t seem to align with her idea of a romantic getaway, they have fun. And to be fair, he does suggest a romantic tryst on the laser tag course, but she rightfully declines because of the number of kids there.
The Bellas go to a resort for a photo shoot for their Birdie bee lingerie line. Honestly, this should be the show. Brie is glad to be back doing things, because she is sick of her baby already. Nikki is tired of being retired as well. They both miss the WWE life, so they decide to seek out other things to fill their time.
Nattie goes to her parents’ house, which she notes that she bought for them, to help unclog a sink, because she’s apparently a plumber in addition to being a carpenter. I guess T.L. Hopper was unavailable? She’s more confused as to why the water smells like smoke. It seems that Jim poured the bacon grease into the sink, where it congealed and blocked the sink. After an education about proper grease etiquette (note – don’t feed it to feral cats), Nattie lectures them about how a house should smell. Not like a bar, not of marihuana (she finds a bottle of marihuana oil in a cabinet, which Jim apparently uses to help him sleep), and not of bacon grease and smoke. Yet her house of a thousand cats is better?
Backstage, Nattie finds Rusev and fills him in on the fight she had with Lana. Rusev apologizes on Lana’s behalf. Nattie says she wanted to clear the air with him, because her and Lana’s spat led to her and TJ not being invited to Lana and Rusev’s Names Day party, which apparently is a celebration of your name, and sounds not nearly as fun as Rusev Day, but whatever. Rusev, though, had no idea he was even hosting such a party. Apparently, this was supposed to be a secret surprise party for Rusev, which is awkward.
That night, on their drive home, Lana and Rusev talk about the Names Day party. Asked what he wants for a present, Rusev says that he wants to finally start a family with her. She says that she’s not ready for children yet, because she still wants to pursue her wrestling dreams.
The next day, Nia and Alexa are driving to a pig farm, and Alexa is excited, because she’s always wanted a pet pig. They see a small little piglet that’s actually deaf, and Alexa is smitten – so much so, that she ends up buying it.
The Bellas head to a skateboarding park, to take a lesson with some of their professional skateboarder friends. They can get the basics, but suck at even the most basic of tricks. A funny scene where Brie gets up after her umpteenth fall, and a little kid, probably six years old, skates by her perfectly across the screen.
Nia and Alexa stop for lunch, and the piglet is legitimately freaked out by the bacon on Nia’s sammich. If that was a work, then credit the pig for some great acting. Maybe Nattie should take promo lessons from him.
Sheamus is at Lana and Rusev’s for the Names Day party along with some of their civilian friends. Nia and Alexa show up, piglet in tow, who they’ve named Larry Steve. Lana tells them all about the discussion they had about having children, but he tries to get her to shut up about that personal topic in front of their friends. Awkward. She insists on talking about it, and they debate about whether they should consider a surrogate. Double awkward.
The Bellas are on a party bus with their brother JJ and some douchebag-looking guys, to go to opening day of the Belmont Racetrack. They’re amazed by the physicality of the race, and the rush of excitement of the race.
The Names Day party moves to a party boat, and everyone has some fun splashing around in bikinis, which always makes this show better. Lana gives Rusev a megaphone as a present, and somewhere Jimmy Hart is weeping. She sees how much attention Rusev is giving to Larry Steve the pig, and thinks that maybe he’ll be happy with a pig instead of a baby. He says he wants a human child, but she shuts that idea down. Meanwhile, Alexa’s like, can I please have my pig back and get out of this conversation?
Nattie goes back to her parents’ place to give them a carbon monoxide detector for the house. She critically questions why there’s a big water bowl in the middle of the kitchen floor, and then wonders where her father is. Her mom tells her that Jim has got a job as the neighbourhood security watchman, and that they’ve given him a big dog as his partner who’s living with them. Nattie’s in disbelief, saying that number one, Jim can’t be trusted to hold down a job, and number two, the two of them are not equipped to own/keep a dog, and the last time they had a pet, it peed all over the place and the situation was a general debacle. She hops into the car and drives around until she finds Jim, tooling around in a golf cart with the pooch.
She tells Jim that she doesn’t want the dog living in their house, but when he insists on keeping it, she regrets buying them the house in the first place. She’s unimpressed when Jim parks the golf cart on the lawn, ruining the new grass, and she’s even more irritated when the first thing the dog does is pee all over the floor. They then show some flashbacks of other dumb things they’ve done, like allow cats to vomit all over the front porch which apparently attracts alligators, and keep burning cigarettes in the mailbox. Frustrated by their cluelessness at basic life skills, she leaves.
The Bellas go to roofop bar lounge to consider their experiences for the past few days. They realize that, despite not knowing how to wrestle, they miss being in WWE, and suggest they consider a comeback in 2018. Please, God, no.
At home, Rusev expresses his disappointment in Lana about bringing up the topic of babies in front of their friends. But the TV cameras are okay? Lana reiterates that she has too many career goals to achieve to consider children. She then asks what would happen if she can’t or won’t have kids, and while he dismisses the “can’t” idea, he bristles at the “won’t” idea. She says they’re not ready to raise a child at this point in their lives, but he’s not hearing it.
Nattie goes back to her parents’ house, and finds three cigarettes on the porch. This is after she told them repeatedly not to smoke in/near the house. Her parents suggest they manage this relationship contractually through a formal landlord-tenant agreement. This includes giving them 24 hours before they come in for an inspection. Included is the right to keep a reasonable amount of animals on the property. While she didn’t like the idea of the agreement, reading it through, she finds it to be reasonable, and a good way to manage their relationship without emotions coming into play.
At home, Rusev test out a new rocking chair that he bought, presumably as a gift for himself for Names Day. Lana brings up the baby discussion again, and says that they would not be good parents for a baby, given their busy working schedules. He agrees that they’ll wait until they’re both ready. It’s a Names Day miracle.
Bryan takes the Bellas to a wrestling gym so they can work off some of the ring rust through a training session with Nia. He coaches them some moves and bumps, and their time off is noticeable, particularly Brie’s. Bryan tells her that he can get her ring-ready, which would have been more appreciated if he did that before she’d retired, but whatever.
The twins are doing another BirdieBee photo shoot, which means more lingerie scenes, which makes up for all the terrible stuff I have to sit through in doing these recaps. Brie is worried about wearing sexy skimpy clothes so soon after her baby, but she neednt’ worry. Brie tells Nikki that the girls have decided to throw her an engagement party in Cabo.
Alexa and Nikki go to Cabo a day before everyone else, and get some bonding time in. They speculate about what will happen when Nattie and Lana are there at the party together, given their recent tension. They check out the vacation resort, and immediately get down to some massages that are apparently so good that I need a cigarette.
Backstage, Nattie continues to trash-talk Lana, still smarting over the comment that Nattie can’t cut promos. Honestly, if she could cut promos in the ring like she does backstage, she may be able to counter Lana’s argument. Of course, as she’s trash-talking Lana, guess who walks up behind her and hears this? Lana tells Nattie that if she’s inclined to diss her, to do it to her face.
At Brie and Bryan’s, they try to teach Birdie about animals, but babies are inherently dumb and she can’t figure out the difference between a zebra, a flamingo, and Brie. Well, they all wrestle badly, so she’s not entirely wrong. Brie tells Bryan that she’s going to have to store a lot of milk for Birdie, because it’s likely she’s going to pollute the supply in Cabo with alcohol, because she’s getting ready to get into Brie Mode!
Looks like drinking will indeed be the theme for the episode (so don’t be surprised if Renee makes an appearance), since the ladies start with the shooters at the airport bar. Nattie makes a loud toast about being rich, getting “lit”, and wrestling, and wasn’t it that kind of behaviour that got Enzo into trouble? Nattie says that being drunk is the only way she’ll be able to survive a trip with Lana. On the ride over to the resort, the drinking continues, as does the sniping between Lana and Nattie.
They get to the resort and meet up with Alexa and Brie, and everyone’s ready for the debauchery to begin. Everyone seeks out the best room, with Lana picking one out, but Carmella had already picked it. Nattie then heads in and effectively evicts Lana from that room, taking her luggage to a different room downstairs. Later, Lana confronts Nattie about it, asking why Nattie violated the rule of wrestling to not mess with other peoples’ stuff. Requiring Nikki to try to play peacemaker. She forces the two of them to call a truce and respect each others’ stuff, at least for the duration of the party. There’s also a few lingering shots of Nikki from behind in her thong, including a lengthy segment where she’s walking up the stairs, so clearly the producers have been reading my letters.
At lunch, Carmella brings a bunch of penis-related novelty items, thinking it was Nikki’s bachelorette party, as opposed to an engagement party, which this is. Note for future – penis stuff is only appropriate for the former. At lunch, Nattie and Lana continue their war of words, to everyone’s discomfort.
Brie arrives, and unlike the others, she’s fully covered up in layers of clothes, which everyone makes fun of her about. #PostPregnancyShaming. Brie puts on her swimsuit, and it’s right out of the Fabulous Moolah ringwear collection, because she’s embarassed about her post-pregnancy body.
Must be ratings week, because there’s another montage of nothing but bikini shots. After that, Alexa tries to talk some sense into Nattie, suggesting she should start acting like the adult in this feud with Lana. She thinks it’s because they’re both so proud of their abilities, so any criticism of them by the other is going to result in defensive behaviour, like lashing out.
Over drinks, they talk about Brie’s pumping schedule, which she apparently has to do every three hours lest her breasts will dry out. See, this is an educational show as well as being the showcase for self-absorbed human narcissism. Things get really weird when Naomi takes a drink of Brie’s breast milk, which sound less gross and more sexy on paper than it was. Lana tries it as well, much to Nattie’s irritation. Another bikini montage, which, again, I suggest should be the raison d’etre of the show, instead of all the other nonsense.
Lana tries to convince Naomi to help her TP Nattie’s bedroom. Which leads to Naomi saying what may be simutaneously be the funniest and lamest excuse ever for doing something you didn’t want to do: “I really don’t want to help Lana pranking Nattie, but… dang, if I don’t, who will?” Of course, Nattie catches them in the act, and after smacking Lana with either a flower or a penis toy, chases Lana out of the room, leading to a Benny Hill type chase sequence throughout the house. After the chase ends, Lana tries to explain it was a joke, but Nattie’s hearing none of it. The two hash it out further, and nobody’s impressed by any of these shenanigans on either side.
Later, after everyone calms down and the room is cleaned up by Lana, they all go out for dinner at a five-star restaurant. Before the meal, Brie gives a toast to Nikki, congratulating her on finally getting Cena to put a ring on it.
After another dig by Lana about Nattie’s promo skills, Nattie grabs the restaurant’s house microphone. Nattie gives a toast to Nikki, and then ends with congratulating Lana on her pregnancy. Which is untrue, but Nattie thinks that it will force Lana to stop drinking or risk the other patrons and servers thinking she’s evil. Nobody else in the restaurant seems to care, though, so doesn’t that just prove Lana’s point?
After dinner, the argument continues on the bus ride to the bar. Things get downright nasty on the way to the Cabo Wabo bar, where the descent into Brie Mode is going to play out with a vengeance. As this is the first time she’s been able to really cut loose since the kid arrived (really, aren’t kids the worst?), she’s really going for it, including kicking off her shoes, dancing on the furniture, and yelling out obscenities. Really, she’s making Renee look like a lightweight drinker, and that’s saying something.
During the party, Lana playfully (?) slaps Nattie in the face, and Nattie retaliates in kind, though there’s no playfulness in her shot. They escalate into shouting and shoving and threats, and the two start throwing drinks in each others’ faces. Meanwhile, security just stands around gawking… maybe President Trump is right about Mexico after all.
Or maybe not, as it looks like they all get thrown out of the bar, though Brie’s apparently lost her shoe. Vintage Brie. They stumble out drunkenly to the bus, and though everyone pleads with them to at least act civilly, the arguing continues on the ride. When everyone isn’t watching Brie flash her lady parts to everyone or pour water all over herself.
Back at the house, Nattie goes to Lana’s room and steals her phone and bag, with the intention of throwing them into the ocean. Naomi catches her in the act, and watches Nattie throw the stuff off the balcony onto the beach below (she doesn’t clear the sand). Naomi’s more irritated that she’s now been made an unwitting accomplice by having witnessed it. Nattie tries to justify her actions, listing off all of the affronts that Lana’s made towards her.
Lana, meanwhile, has noticed her phone was missing, and as she sees Nattie coming back into the house, she confronts her about it. Nattie denies having done anything, but then locks herself in her room. Threats and swearing ensue, with Lana pounding on Nattie’s door, demanding her stuff back, leaving this issue unresolved as the show comes to an end.
Bob Kapur enjoys bacon. E-mail him your recipe ideas at firstname.lastname@example.org.