A measly 21 seconds and change. That’s all it took for Goldberg to defeat Kevin Owens and become the new WWE Universal Champion at last night’s Fastlane pay-per-view. Goldberg’s win means his match against Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania will now be for the WWE Universal Championship.
Goldberg, a former WWE World Heavyweight Champion and one time WCW World Heavyweight Champion, made short work of a stalling Kevin Owens who despite all of his bravado over the last few weeks, went down in record time just like Brock Lesnar did at Survivor Series.
Before the bell even rang, Owens was playing mind games with Goldberg. Owens bailed out of the ring three or four times preventing the referee from calling for the bell to start the match. Finally, Owens entered bouncing back and forth, taunting Goldberg and calling for the bell to be rung.
Chris Jericho’s music hit and Y2J walked out onto the ramp way, not saying a word. An irate Owens stared Jericho down from the ring. Despite this blatant interruption, the official started the match. When Owens turned around, Goldberg Speared him then Jackhammered him for the three count.
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Owens and Goldberg stare each other down. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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While Goldberg’s victory does play into his indestructible, unstoppable persona which saw him steamroll opponent after opponent during his undefeated streak in World Championship Wrestling, some fans don’t appreciate the return of THAT Bill Goldberg.
”@WWE really gotta stop these 1 minute matches with Goldberg. 1st time was fun. Not anymore,” Tweeted @JD_Starbwoy after the show.
”@WWE how could you allow @FightOwensFight to lose like this!” wrote @Shon_23_Nash.
”#Goldberg as Champion…what a joke! He gets PAID for a 7min walk to the ring,” Tweeted @heavywrestletv.
Goldberg’s current portrayal is a bit confounding since he was capable of having decent matches in the past. His last match against Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania 20 went almost 15 minutes. He defeated Triple H for the WWE World Heavyweight Title at the 2003 Unforgiven pay-per-view in about the same time. If in 2017, Goldberg doesn’t have the endurance and the ability to wrestle an average match, one wonders why the WWE would put the belt on someone who cannot deliver solid matches? That decision not only devalues the Universal Title and main matches but it makes for predicable booking, since as @JD_Starbwoy wrote, we have already seen this all play out in 1997.
Challenger Charlotte fared a little better than Goldberg taking Raw Women’s Champion Bayley to the 17 minute mark only to lose due to the interference of Sasha Banks, once again.
And…what’s with all the faces cheating to win in the WWE lately? It is hard to separate the heels from the faces when they both act in the same manner.
Hitting the tanning machine as aggressively as she was whacking Bayley, Charlotte was absolutely stunned when her Natural Selection didn’t put Bayley away. Just before that sequence, Bayley botched a flying elbow off the ropes twice.
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Banks interferes…again. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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At approximately 15 minutes in, Sasha Banks came running down the ramp way just as Charlotte was going to execute a moonsault off the top rope. Charlotte bounced Banks’ head off the ring and rolled her into the ring. The official didn’t call for the bell or DQ the match. Banks quickly rolled out. As Charlotte followed her, Bayley grabbed her for a Bayley to Belly on the floor. Charlotte rolled up Bayley while holding her tights. Sasha Banks interjected herself again arguing with the referee and then Charlotte. Still, the official did not call the match. Bayley hit the Bayley to Belly again for the pinfall ending Charlotte’s pay-per-view streak of wins. Bayley will go on to WrestleMania as the champion.
With the WWE Cruiserweight Championship match and the bout between Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman being the only stellar matches on an otherwise mediocre show, Fastlane proved once again how Smackdown Live is a far superior product to Raw in not only weekly television broadcasts but also when it comes to pay-per-view broadcasts.
WWE Fastlane 2017 Results from the Bradley Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Rich Swann, Akira Tozawa Vs Noam Dar, The Brian Kendrick
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Tozawa and Swann come out on top. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Mick Foley is on the phone with Stephanie McMahon. Apparently, Stephanie’s plane is delayed and she will not be able to make Fastlane tonight but will be watching on her cell phone. Noam Dar has to play peacemaker on the pre-show when Kendrick calls Alicia Fox “crazy” and she doesn’t take kindly to the comment. She also claims Kendrick stole her jacket. Are they even the same size? Strange that. Tozawa is like a caged animal. He wants Kendrick in the worst way. Kendrick tags out immediately angering Tozawa even more. Tozawa and Swann attempt to splash Dar and Kendrick on the outside but Alicia Fox steps in the way. Tozawa takes Kendrick outside so that Swann can land his Phoenix Splash on Dar.
Winners: Rich Swann, Akira Tozawa.
Match Rating: 6 / 10
Match Time: 10 minutes and 14 seconds.
Sami Zayn Vs Samoa Joe
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Samoa Joe stands over a fallen Sami Zayn. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Zayn is rocking and reeling as Joe uses him like a human punching bag, pegging him with quick and vicious strikes. A Blue ThunderBomb only gets Zayn a two count. Joe slams Zayn to the mat countering the Helluva Kick. Joe then puts Zayn nighty-night with the Coquina Clutch even though the ref only dropped Zayn’s arm twice. What’s up with that? It seems many of the WWE officials need a refresher course in how to do their jobs properly.
Winner: Samoa Joe.
Match Rating: 7 / 10
Match Time: 9 minutes and 41 seconds.
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (c) Vs Enzo Amore and Big Cass – WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
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Cass drops the Empire Elbow. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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“Enzo looks like Super Mario if his mother didn’t love him enough,” says a hilarious Corey Graves. Gallows and Anderson isolate Enzo beating him down in their part of the ring for almost the entire match. The crowd tries to inspire Enzo by cheering him on. Enzo tries a leaping tag but Anderson just knocks him silly with a flying kick to the face. Cass is finally hot tagged at seven minutes in. Cass ends up fighting both Gallows and Anderson. Enzo, Cass hit Bada Boom Shakalaka but Gallows interrupts the pinfall from outside the ring. Anderson kicks Enzo in the face. Anderson goes for the pin. Enzo drapes his foot over the rope but Gallows shoves it off before the ref can see.
Winners: …and still Raw Tag Team Champions…Gallows and Anderson.
Match Rating: 6 / 10
Match Time: 9 minutes and 7 seconds.
Foley is on the phone with Stephanie once again. Steph asks to be taken off speaker phone before speaking about Samoa Joe and how he pertains to the Universal Title match later tonight.
Sasha Banks Vs Nia Jax
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Jax tortures Banks. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Banks comes at Jax full force but Jax just shoves off her attacks and counters her moves with pure strength. Jax calls Banks “pathetic”. After throwing her across the ring, Jax says she is the REAL boss. Jax starts doing squats with Banks in the Torture Rack. Banks hits a DDT and transitions into the Banks Statement but Jax powers out of it. Jax slams and splashes Banks. She then throws her around by the hair. Banks surprises Jax with a roll up and a bridge out of nowhere. Jax is furious.
Winner: Sasha Banks.
Match Rating: 6 / 10
Match Time: 8 minutes and 6 seconds.
Jinder Mahal and Rusev want to chat with Mick Foley. They officially dissolve their partnership, the one that nobody cared about, and demand singles matches on tonight’s show. Mick Foley agrees but Mahal and Rusev will have to decide among themselves who wrestles in the first match.
Jinder Mahal Vs Cesaro
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Cesaro adjusts Mahal’s spine. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Jindar and Rusev argue and fight in the ring over who should wrestle first. Jindar throws Rusev into the post and flying knees him over the ringside barrier into the crowd. With that settled, Cesaro and Sheamus come to the ring. The crowd is dead for this one except to show their appreciation for Cesaro here and there. This match is basically a showcase for Jindar who dominates Cesaro. The crowd starts chanting…Boring! Boring! Rusev reappears alive and well at the announce table. Jindar is distracted allowing Cesaro to get the pin. Rusev leaps into the ring beats down Jindar. Just as he is about to put Jindar in the Accolade, Big Show’s music hits.
Winner: Cesaro.
Match Rating: 5 / 10
Match Time: 7 minutes and 3 seconds.
Big Show Vs Rusev
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Big Show lays a hurting on Rusev. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Show bounces Rusev around the ring and a head butt stuns Rusev and a splash in the corner just splatters him. “This wasn’t what you were expecting, was it, Sunshine?” Big Show barks at Rusev. Rusev clips Big Show’s knee and takes him down. Rusev blocks a Chokeslam clipping the knee again. Rusev tries to lock in the Accolade but is shoved out of the ring. Rusev is chokeslammed three times to the crowd’s delight. Show delivers a weak WMD Punch in the corner.
Winner: Big Show.
Match Rating: 7 / 10
Match Time: 8 minutes and 50 seconds.
Neville (c) Vs Jack Gallagher – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
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Gallagher takes Neville down. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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Gallagher’s technique versus Neville’s power and strength. Gallagher frustrates Neville so much he bails from the ring. Neville throws Gallagher into the ringside barricade. Neville dials up the ruthlessness and brutalizes Gallagher. A head butt to the stomach stalls Neville for a moment before he is on the attack again. Gallagher scrambles Neville by diving through the ropes and just bowling him over on the outside. Gallagher unleashes a thunderous belly to back suplex from the top rope. Gallagher runs at Neville, he misses, hits the ropes and Neville executes a belly to back suplex on Gallagher’s neck. After hitting two head butts, Gallagher misses his flying drop kick and is booted out of the ring. Gallagher head butts Neville on the top rope but Neville pitches him to the mat. Neville hits a Red Arrow for the win.
Winner: …and still WWE Cruiserweight Champion…Neville.
Match Rating: 8.5 / 10
Match Time: 12 minutes.
The New Day come down to the ring with an ice cream cart. They natter on about ice cream and being the hosts of WrestleMania for a long time for no apparent reason then disappear as quickly as they came. Why WWE? Why?
Roman Reigns Vs Braun Strowman
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Strowman slams Reigns. Photo Courtesy: WWE.
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It looks like Reigns is wrestling in his running shoes for some reason tonight. Reigns attempts a slam but Strowman just shoves him into a corner. Reigns leaps over the stairs when thrown into them and uses them to deliver a punch. Reigns mounts and punches Strowman in the corner but Strowman gives him a spinebuster. Strowman gives Reigns a Samoan Drop and sits up laughing at Reigns. Reigns is in a headlock for a long, long time. Strowman picks Reigns up by the throat and slams him to the mat. Strowman stops a Drive By and throws Reigns into the ring. Strowman charges, Reigns ducks and Strowman goes over to the top rope and hurts his knee. Reigns charges Strowman. Strowman catches him and powerslams him into the announce table but is still limping with his sore knee. Reigns Spears Strowman for a two count. Reigns hits two Superman punches but Strowman kicks out. Strowman dives off the top rope for a splash and misses. Reigns spears Strowman.
Winner: Roman Reigns.
Match Rating: 8 / 10
Match Time: 17 minutes and 53 seconds.
Foley runs into Samoa Joe backstage. He warns Joe not to interfere in the Universal Championship match or they will be “hell to pay”.
Bayley (c) Vs Charlotte Flair – Raw Women’s Championship
Winner: …and still Raw Women’s Champion…Bayley.
Match Rating: 7 / 10
Match Time: 17 minutes 30 seconds.
Foley runs into Samoa Joe backstage. He warns Joe not to interfere in the Universal Championship match or they will be “hell to pay”.
Goldberg Vs Kevin Owens (c) – WWE Universal Championship
Winner: …and new WWE Universal Champion…Goldberg.
Match Rating: 0 / 10 – Unratable
Match Time: 21 seconds.
Total Event Rating: 6 / 10
The next WWE pay-per-view is WrestleMania on April 2.
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One of the founding managing editors of SLAM! Wrestling, John Powell is a veteran entertainment journalist currently covering Big Brother., Survivor for Shaw and the video game industry for G4TV.. Check out his comic book Cover 2 Cover blog and his Nerd TV YouTube updates here . John can be reached at pow2112@hotmail.com or @POW2112 on Twitter.