The last few weeks have been pretty busy on SLAM! Wrestling, with lots of stories dedicated to Survivor Series weekend in Toronto. So much so that other things have fallen behind, including the recaps of Total Bellas, which had its first season finale the other week. As punishment for not writing a single word for that entire PPV weekend, taskmaster Greg Oliver wouldn’t grant a reprieve from recapping the last two episodes. Check out the recap for all the details.
Episode 5
On the previous episode, Bryan left the house to try to come to grips with the fact that he would no longer be able to wrestle, and everyone else was gearing up for Kathy and Johnny Ace’s upcoming wedding.
This episode started off with the family, accompanied by Shawna and Brittni, Nikki’s friends, at a beach resort. Nikki and Brie tell each other that their respective relationships have resulted in them not spending as much time with each other as they once did, and that makes them sad.
That night at dinner, Brie flaunts her little Bries which embarrasses everyone, but hooray. Over dinner, she tells the family that she’s going to leave the Cena-Nikki compound to be with Bryan for his upcoming medical appointments. Then, Kathy gets a surprise lapdance from a stripper that the family got for her as a surprise bachelorette treat, but gross.
The next morning, everyone misses Brie. JJ upsets Lola by basically praying that she’s carrying a boy, making her feel like he’ll resent her if she has a girl instead. Later, Kathy is rocking a new swimsuit but it’s covered up with a robe. She confides that her ex, the twins’ father, used to body-shame her. Nikki and the girls suggest she go with something even more skimpy to put her insecurities to bed, and they get her to lose her wrap and show some skin. Later, she’s happy when social media feedback on her cheesecake photos are well-received.
Brie goes home and reunites with Bryan, but things are somewhat awkward between them. Bryan’s in a major funk, and Brie is trying to be supportive, but his sadness still keeps him distant.
Poolside, Nikki tells JJ that Lola is feeling bad about the pressure he’s putting on her to have a boy. Notable is that her shirt has no front and her boobs are on prominent display, so I didn’t even pay attention to their conversation. That night at dinner, JJ apologizes to Lola, so I guess Nikki’s boob-lecture worked.
After dinner, Kathy, JJ, Nikki, and Shawna and Brittni (collectively to be called Shittni from now on because individually neither one seems to have a personality… actually, we’ll go with Brawna, because that sounds less rude) go out clubbing. JJ has to be the most emasculated guy in the world to go on his mom’s bachelorette party, but whatever. They frolic in the pool.
Back at the compound, Nikki’s dog doesn’t want to follow Cena. Likely because Cena hates the dog, which he’s told everyone several times, even suggesting to give it to Brie and Bryan forever. Then they all talk about Brie and how Bryan should snap out of his depression and let Brie enjoy the last couple of weeks of her career, which will end at WrestleMania.
Bryan wonders if there’s even a chance that the test results were wrong, but Brie tries to prepare him for the most likely outcome, which sadly is also the worst-case scenario. She tells him that his health has to be the only consideration, and while he understands that, the realization is killing him. He breaks down in tears as the reality sinks in.
Cena joins Nikki and JJ at a painting class, and for some reason they start talking about the dog again. Cena drops the truth bomb that the dog is ruining his and Nikki’s date nights, and I think if the dog is involved, they’re doing something wrong. JJ speculates that Cena hates the dog because to Nikki it represents a child and since Cena hates kids, well, there you go. Cena painted male genitalia in a passive-aggressive statement about how he hates Nikki almost as much as he hates kids.
At a photo shoot, Brie fills Lola in about what’s going on with Bryan, and she breaks down because she can’t enjoy the remaining weeks of her career because of it. Lola must be an awesome poker player because she completely no-sells it, even when Brie breaks down in tears. Later, Bryan shows up, and actually seems to have a new outlook on things, saying that he has to accept the reality and make the best of his life for everyone’s sake, including his own.
At the compound, Johnny completely throws Kathy under the bus by asking, in front of JJ and Nikki, if she’s told them about her big secret (the fact that she found a lump in her breast three weeks prior), knowing full well that she had not. The kids respect her privacy and leave without pushing her for the news. Kathy is in denial about it and lashes out at Johnny for even bringing it up.
The next day, the day before the wedding, Johnny tells Nikki and JJ about the lumps, unbeknownst to Kathy, and suggests they confront her about it and push her to get it checked out by a doctor. They’re upset that she hasn’t said anything to them, and Nikki goes up to talk to her about it. Kathy is still in denial about it, and gets upset that Johnny told them. She agrees to go to the doctor if they promise not to tell anyone else in the family about it. Nikki accompanies Kathy to the doctor and it comes out that Kathy had actually found out about it six weeks ago, not three like she told everyone. The episode ends with a Susan G. Komen breast cancer awareness vanity card, and since that’s too serious for me to end with a typical quip about how bad this show is, intead, let’s head right into the finale…
Finale
It’s two days until the wedding and while Brie is packing up to go, Bryan’s doctors have instructed him to not travel or be near people so won’t be going. Nikki calls Brie from the cancer centre and lets her know about Kathy’s lumps, and this is obviously upsetting.
Kathy and Nikki get the results of the ultrasound and they’re good – it’s only a bulging of her breast implant, and not a tumour.
Everyone arrives at the mansion that’s been rented for the wedding celebrations in Fort Lauderdale, and everyone’s happy to be together again.
Nikki wants Brie’s upcoming retirement match at WrestleMania to be awesome, so she’s convinced her to not be in it. Actually, she arranges for Brie to get professional fight training from an MMA coach. But Brie isn’t too enthused because she’s still so upset about Bryan’s situation. Still, at Johnny’s suggestion, she does learn a neat transition move from a Camel Clutch into the Yes Lock.
It turns out that Bryan won’t be able to attend WrestleMania to be there for Brie’s last match, which bums her out. But that’ll have to wait, because there’s still a wedding to get through.
The night before the wedding, everyone is hanging out and Johnny tears up at the thought of being part of the Bella Family. But he means it in a good way. Johnny says he wants to be a father figure to the kids, and everyone loves one another.
Later, Nikki and Brie argue because Nikki doesn’t seem sympathetic about Bryan’s situation, concerned more about Brie having to take care of him instead of devoting all of her attention on her upcoming match. Even Lola notes that this fight goes beyond the normal Bella bickering and actually cuts deeper than that.
It’s wedding day, and Cena shows up for the festivities, and this boosts Nikki’s mood after her argument with Brie from the night before. But she shoots off her mouth again, telling Brie that she’s too focused on Bryan and that it’s lessening the quality of her own life. Brie fires up, since she’s happy to have made sacrifices for her husband. Brie defends her choices, while Nikki is unapologetic about caring too much about Brie. Things escalate and Brie tells Nikki that she’s never going to discuss anything about her life with her again. Nikki’s upset, and even smooches with Cena can’t help.
Kathy comes down the stairs where he’s waiting for her, meaning he’s seen the bride in her dress before the wedding. So look for the divorce in season 2 after this breach of tradition. Awkward moment where someone not named nor introduced is in the family photo but her face is blurred – possibly Johnny’s kid, and she never signed the release?
Nikki wants to clear the air and explains to Brie that she only has Brie’s interests at heart, and sometimes her protective nature can make it seem like she’s angry with Bryan or dismissive of all of the stuff that he’s going through. They make up because there’s only 10 minutes left and we still have to see the wedding ceremony.
The wedding takes place on a boat, and the nameless girl from the family portrait is there in a very leggy dress – she’s got a rocking body, so possibly she’s a butterface so that’s why they’ve blurred it out, because she’s the only attendee whose face isn’t shown.
The wedding goes well, and sadly, Johnny’s vows don’t include a reference to their future endeavours. At the on-boat reception, John Cena gets romantic advice from Nana Bella and on the dancefloor Johnny does a terrible robot.
Three days later, Brie and Bryan are at the health centre. Bryan’s mood is better and his therapy is going well. They’re making post-Mania plans, which includes kids.
Meanwhile, Nikki and Cena are at a health centre to get an update on Nikki’s neck. Fortunately for her, her neck recovery is going well. And fortunately for wrestling fans, not well enough that she can get into the ring again. But she can remove her neck brace, so the future looks bright.
Awesome! Seamstress Sandra – the wise sage from Total Divas before she got fired from WWE – makes a cameo appearance. She’s there to make a customized outfit for Brie’s WrestleMania match. The show ends with clips of all the Divas making their way to Mania to hype the upcoming season of Total Divas, recaps of which will be posted here the next time I do something wrong.
Bob Kapur has never been married. Want your chance, ladies? E-mail him at bobkapur@hotmail.com
