Tonight on Total Divas, the Superstars and Divas celebrated Nattie and TJ’s impending nuptials with a Vegas party. But life wasn’t all that fun for JoJo and Ariane, who were both having boy troubles. Too bad they didn’t go into “Brie mode”, because then they would be feeling no pain. Want the details? Check the full recap!
Normally this recap is written in various sections, each one focusing on a different storyline, since that’s how most episodes are laid out. But in this case, the story of the show ran pretty linearly, and included all of the Divas. So let’s just start from the beginning.
Backstage at RAW, JoJo was checking out Justin Gabriel, and admitted that she was smitten with him. She tried to find out if he was single, and was teased by Chris Jericho for her crush. She was clearly looking for a new boyfriend after her breakup with Sebastian, as shown on an earlier episode. Seeing the close relationship between Brie and Bryan Danielson, who came looking for Brie to kiss her after his match, reinforced how much she wanted to be with someone. She made her play by inviting Justin to a house party that she and Eva Marie were throwing to celebrate their new apartment. Eva Marie was worried about JoJo, concerned that she may be rushing too fast to find a new relationship.
At a training session, Nattie told the Bellas and Funkadactyls how stressed she was about planning her wedding. Nikki said she would relax when the girls threw her a bachelorette party, promising her that things would get wild. Nattie was hoping for some quiet girl time, and was worried that Nikki would plan something too outlandish. Nikki said this was going to be a wild party, only assuaging Nattie to the point that she said that nobody would rub their genitalia on Nattie at the party.
Nattie told the girls about her meeting up with Jared last week, and admitted she had invited him to the wedding. All of the girls were concerned that she was playing with fire.
At Eva and JoJo’s apartment, JoJo was getting nervous about the party and wondered what would happen with Justin Gabriel. Brie was being teased for not drinking heavily – a condition known as “being in Brie mode” – which she generally stopped doing once she started dating Bryan Danielson.
Justin Gabriel showed up, to JoJo’s delight. Soon it was all the girls and their boyfriends there, except for Cena and Bryan. At the party, Nattie confessed that Jared had called her up, and that led to her sharing with Nikki that the only man she had been with was TJ, and vice versa. After that, a dance party broke out. Nattie tried to twerk but got schooled by the Funkadactyls who, after all, do that for a living.
All of the girls gave JoJo advice about going out with an older guy, since she’s only 19 and Gabriel is in his early 30s. But JoJo listened to her instincts instead, and after taking Justin for a mini-tour of the apartment, made out with him on the balcony. Eva Marie saw this and was particularly worried, saying that the age difference may be a problem, despite their obvious mutual physical attraction.
The next day, JoJo and Justin went out on their first official date, though that came as news to Justin. He teased her for not being old enough to drink, and seemed bemused by her immaturity when she babbled on about her pet rabbit for what seemed like the entire dinner. Clearly, this was not going to end well.
Meanwhile, Nikki and John Cena went out shopping for Nattie’s bachelorette present. Nikki basically admitted to being a big slut when talking about Nattie’s past. Cena came across like the wise voice of reason compared to Nikki, as he always does on this show.
As the Funkadactyls were planning on the bachelorette party, Ariane’s loser boyfriend Vincent was complaining about not being invited – apparently, only WWE talent had been invited. He came across as a whiny d-bag.
Finally, the crew got to Vegas – including, of all people, Curt Hawkins??? This segment was all about the shot where the girls walked to the pool in skimpy bikinis, and the sound you heard was the sound of a million DVRs hitting pause by a bunch of horny guys.
Nikki got drunk with Nattie, and got mad when Nattie started exchanging flirtatious text messages with Jared. Nikki tried to convince Nattie that Jared had dishonourable intentions towards her, but Nattie wasn’t getting it. Still, she asked Nikki to not tell anyone else about it.
JoJo and Eva Marie were sitting poolside, and were shocked to see Justin Gabriel talking with another girl. JoJo tried to convince herself that Justin was interested in only her.
The party moved back to the hotel room, and everyone was getting into Brie mode – except Brie. That changed later on, though. The women went to Chippendales, and fortunately they blurred out the man-ass. Nikki was all horned up by the sight of the dancers. Nattie was brought on stage by the dancers and they tied her up or something. I kind of got disinterested once the Chippendales dancers were out there. Unless Chris Farley was going to show up, I was going back to the bikini scene.
JoJo was upset because she was in Vegas but couldn’t go anywhere to have fun because she’s under age. She and Eva Marie walked around the casino, and saw Justin again with another girl. They followed him and this girl out of the casino and saw them leave together in a limo. JoJo was bummed, and Eva Marie consoled her in the room.
Meanwhile, the Bellas and Funkadactyls and Nattie partied it up in the nightclub. Brie mode was on, and she was dancing on the table and walking all over the furniture. Nikki joined in too, until she drunkenly fell off the table.
Back in the hotel room, Nattie got more texts from Jared. She admitted to Brie that all the attention made her have doubts about her feelings for TJ. A drunken Brie used a drunken metaphor, comparing the Chippendales dancers with the attention that Nattie wants to have, and apparently Nattie was drunk enough to know what she meant. I was drinking club soda with lime while watching this, so I didn’t. But it seemed to cheer up Nattie for now, so I guess that’s what matters.
Drunken Brie slurred that she had to stumble her way back to her room where Bryan was sleeping. She didn’t want Bryan to know she was in Brie mode. Her first mistake was losing her key, so she had to wake him up to let her in. Her second one was drunkenly falling into bed on top of him. Her third one was handcuffing him to the bedpost. Bottom line is that it was no surprise to him when she told him in the morning that she had been in Brie mode. He told her that he know, and while he didn’t like it, he let it go because it was Nattie’s party.
The next night, the Superstars and Divas went for dinner. JoJo was unclear what was going on with Justin. He could sense something was up with her, and asked her what it was. She told him she was feeling that he was distant, and he acknowledged that the age difference was making this difficult for him. She, naturally, wasn’t happy.
The next day, Brie was visiting Nikki’s room and was grossed out because she found Nikki’s sex toy in the bed. And it had been used. Recently.
Ariane told Trinity that Vincent had told her that he was coming out to join the party. He barged into the room and acted like a complete a-hole, babbling excitedly, and bouncing around the room like a moronic Tigger.
That night, everyone was at dinner. Brie gave a nice toast, and Nikki made sex jokes. Seriously, it’s like they are going out of their way to try to make Nikki look like a crazed sex fiend like she’s Samantha on Sex in the City, but it just comes across as pathetic. And, for the record, a girl gave me that reference, I don’t know it from watching that show. Really. A hot girl. Who’s totally into me. I’ve never watched that show. Shut up.
They brought out a naked man torso cake, and Vincent acted jealous that Ariane wanted to see the cake’s weiner. He then embarrassed Ariane by acting like a tool, playing with cotton candy, and spilling a drink all over. The Superstars were clearly unimpressed, including Ariane.
After dinner, they all went to another nightclub, and danced and partied. Vincent kept drinking like he thought he was Ric Flair back in the day, and Ariane was getting ticked. He was acting like a drunken idiot, so Ariane scolded him and pulled him out of the party. He kept protesting that he wasn’t drunk, but she wasn’t hearing it. She was worried that his behaviour was going to have negative consequences for her career.
In the end, Nattie realized that she and TJ were made for each other, and she was glad that they will be going to walk the aisle and spend the rest of their lives together.
Bob Kapur used to be a Chippendales dancer. True story. Request a dance at bobkapur@hotmail.com.
