LOS ANGELES – Xtreme Pro Wrestling’s big reunion show was called Cold Day in Hell, promising that anything — and everything — would be on tap. In true XPW fashion, they certainly delivered the goods on Saturday night.

The matches were, well, intense, and while not particularly my cup of tea, this reporter will do the best possible to recap the carnage at Aviation Park in Redondo Beach.

Match 1 — Fallen Heroes / Dynamite D Tribute Battle Royal

A video package was shown prior to the match, showing clips of Dynamite D, Chris Candido, Big Dick Dudley, the Pitbulls and other XPW stars that have since passed on.

This led into a 16-man battle royal featuring Robbie Phoenix, Stepfather, Exciter and several others from the Southern California wrestling scene. The reed-thin Sexy Chino, who avoided elimination on countless occasions, was clearly the favorite of the crowd. Carnage, the former tag team partner of Supreme, pulled out every stop to ensure his victory — fireballs, chairs, you name it. Carnage won after lighting his taped fist on fire and delivering a running clothesline with everything ablaze.

Carnage was awarded the D Cup for his victory, which he then handed to the mother of Dynamite D, who was in the audience. It was a very emotional moment for everybody. Dynamite D (Darren McMillan), on top of being a huge star for XPW, was one of the top promoters on Southern California for many years, also serving as trainer and mentor to many current stars.

Miss Extreme Competition

Joey Ryan hosted this segment. Several XPW stars served as judges for this event, where ladies attempted to win the crown by showing the “extreme talents.” It started with a lap dance, moved on to beer chugging, and up to a gal getting spanked with a glove wrapped in barbed wire. (Yes, REAL barbed wire!)

Finally we moved up to Nicky, “The New York Knockout,” who showed her distaste for the whole affair by beating up the other contestants. Nicky said plainly, “I give hardcore ass beatings, not hardcore beatings in the ass!”

Ryan tried to manhandle Vinnie Massaro’s girl, who was in the competition, leading to a scuffle between the two.

Match 2 – Kaos vs. Vampiro

This match set the tone for what was to come.

Kaos came out and said he was now doing what Shane Douglas would do at the start of an XPW show: complaining about everybody else. Kaos indicated the complaints were due to a lack of talent, rather than “the man” having it out for Douglas.

Kaos and Vampiro wasted no time in hitting each other with everything they had. The moves and strikes were especially stiff. Soon there were welts clearly visible on the chest of Kaos. But the welts paled to the cuts sustained by Kaos after being bodyslammed on a fluorescent light tube. Glass sprayed all over the mat (and into the crowd) and soon both men were oozing crimson. Every time somebody was dropped to the mat, new cuts opened up.

Kaos won the match with a vicious clothesline that flipped Vampiro over backwards. But looking at the condition of both men, it was hard to say there was really a winner here.

Afterwards, one of the ring crew tried to clean up the glass fragments with a broken sweeper broom. This elicited great laughter, yet did little to remove the offending material. There were glass pieces like sprinkles strewn all over the ring — this unfortunately affected the participants of the next match.

Match 3 — Angel vs. G.Q. Money in a Rubber Match

Angel, “The Hardcore Homo,” was presented with a birthday cake on what he claims to be his 19th birthday. The audience sang to him, and Angel was presented with several gifts, all of which were stereotypically gay-themed. Hiding amongst these gifts was G.Q. Money, who teamed with his associate Bo Cooper to attack Angel. Angel’s back looked like it was covered in glitter, when in reality it was glass fragments from the previous match.

Angel rallied back to apply his own lewd version of the Bronco Buster — his rear was fully exposed — on his foes. This being a “Rubber Match,” Angel poured a bag of condoms and sex toys out and chased the horrified duo away with his raunchy behavior. But the one-two punch was simply too much for Angel to take. Money used a gimmicked camera to shoot out a fireball and ensure a victory. Pratt, Angel’s original tag team partner, raced out to protect his friend from any further abuse.

After the match, Leroy the Ring Crew Guy was humiliatingly forced by J. Love to clean up the remaining glass in the ring. Once he was nearly finished, out came Pogo the Clown with a shovel in his hand. Leroy got clocked. To his defense ran other members of the ring crew, all of whom got obliterated by the gargantuan Pogo.

Pogo then shifted his attention to J. Love, who tried to put up a brave front, but was clearly no match for the monster. Then, out of nowhere, came the Sandman, Singapore cane in hand, ready to do some serious damage.

Match 4 — Pogo the Clown vs. Sandman

Sandman hit Pogo repeatedly with the kendo stick. Pogo stood tall and unfazed, then tore into Sandman. Pogo went for a top rope splash, missing altogether. J. Love hit Pogo with another stick over the top of the head, and Sandman followed up with his Russian leg sweep with the stick for the pin.

Sandman wanted to celebrate the victory with J. Love, but she insisted she doesn’t drink. So he poured a beer down her low top and drank it out of her cleavage. Then Sandman walked through the crowd and shared his Budweiser with several lucky fans.

Tool came out and attacked the ring announcer.

Terry Funk, the referee for one of the two main events, announced that Sabu has broken a vertebrae in his neck and is not allowed to compete. Sabu wanted to get in the ring, but Funk refused to let him do further harm. Security escorted Sabu away.

Match 5 — “White Trash” Johnny Webb & Raven vs. Homeless Jimmy & Concussion (referee: Terry Funk)

Raven referred to Concussion, who looks a lot like the man he replaced in this bout, as “The Wal Mart version of Sabu.” Humorously, Raven provided live commentary during the match, even when he got in the ring. (“Raven kicks Homeless Jimmy,” he said, kicking Jimmy down in the corner.) Funk managed to get the microphone away from Raven, but it did not lead things into a more conventional mode in the least.

Sabu tried again to get involved in the match, only to be ejected once more by security. Raven took items from Jimmy’s shopping cart, and soon items were flying all over the place. In the madness, Funk was knocked down and bloodied. Raven tried to take advantage of Funk’s weakened state to win the bout, but the feisty Texan had nothing to do with it.

Webb pinned Jimmy after a DDT on top of a chair.

Match 6 — Team XPW (Jardi Franz, Vinnie Massaro & ???) vs. Team Rev Pro (Ron Rivera, Joey Ryan & Disco Machine)

To everyone’s surprise, the mystery partner turned out to be X Pac. CW Anderson and his manager Mr. McPhenom were in the stands completely irate that X Pac was there. Of course, the crowd was going absolutely wild for him, and the former WWF, XPW and WCW star played it for all it was worth.

It was a solid back and forth match with plenty of high flying (in sharp contrast to the utter brutality of the other bouts), marred later on by the interference of Anderson and McPhenom. With so many individuals involved, it was hard to tell what was what. Disco won the bout for his team by pinning Franz.

As a measure of revenge, the popular X Pac left Anderson and his manager laying flat in the ring after hitting them with his Bronco Buster.

Match 7 — Luke Hawx vs. Jack Evans vs. Scorpio Sky

Hawx entered the ring first and taunted Evans by claiming he was “Teddy Hart’s boyfriend.” But the audience only questioned Luke’s manhood, and taunted him endlessly throughout the match.

This was a VERY fast-paced, high impact match featuring three very talented men. Evans made a huge flying leap on to Luke outside of the ring and brought the crowd to their feet. It looked like Luke was totally out of it, but he managed to clamp a front face lock submission hold on Scorpio out of nowhere and get the victory.

Match 8 — The Gangstas (New Jack & Mustafa) vs. The Westside NGZ (Chronic & B.G. Rott)

Instead of the Gangstas, the fans were greeted by B.C. Killer and Mr. California, who were quickly disposed of by the Westside NGZ. The Westsiders beat their foes for a long while, to a round of boos and “boring” chants. Everybody was angry, thinking the Gangstas were a no-show.

Soon the Gangstas appeared with their trademark weaponry. New Jack looked to his opponents and threateningly said, “Is this what you want?” Apparently it was not what they wanted, for when the Westside NGZ took a look at what New Jack had — something akin to Wolverine’s claws — they quickly bolted for the dressing room.

But carnage was to be had! The Gangstas took Killer and California and beat them senseless all over the arena. From forks being stabbed into the forehead, to a disco ball being smashed into California’s crotch by a 2 x 4, there was NOTHING the Gangstas didn’t do. Blood was all over the place. B.C. Killer begged for mercy, yet received none. Of course, it was just what the fans wanted, and a Gangstas victory was just a mere formality.

After the match, New Jack tearfully announced this was his last match, and thanked the crowd for always supporting him.

Match 9 — XPW King of Death Matches: Necro Butcher (with J.R. Benson) vs. Supreme

When looking at the barbed wire, rat traps, and fluorescent light tubes being placed all over the ring and on the arena floor, it was pretty obvious to everybody in attendance that the man who won this match would only do so in theory. This promised to be ugly… and it was.

Instead of ropes, there were two sides covered in barbed wire, two sides without. Tentative lock-ups soon made way for jarring cuts on the unforgiving wire prods. Butcher side-slammed Supreme from the ring apron on to a table covered in a cat’s cradle of barbed wire and light tubes. “The Human Horror Film” lived up to his name, as Supreme was soon a ghastly sight. Fans reacted in both awe and disgust. But the four-time XPW King of Death Matches was far from being out, and soon Butcher was equally as bloody.

The carnage ended with a Supreme hitting Butcher with modified back body drop on to a fluorescent light tube. The audience reacted in thunderous applause.