When I was about 10 years-old I witnessed one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. Former tag team partners – The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff – bumbled and stumbled their way through a surefire cure to insomnia. It was so poorly worked, so slow-paced, so sickening to watch that I’d be more than happy to pay a large sum of money to have it permanently erased from my memory by the Men In Black.

Tonight, I sat through the Nash – Hogan main event at WCW’s Road Wild pay-per-view live from the biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. All I gotta say is…where are Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones when you need them?

Though there are approximately four and a half months left this year, I believe we have a hands down winner for the Worst Match Of 1999. It wasn’t as mortifying as Hogan’s Halloween Havoc bout against Roddy Piper but it sure was close to it. Headliners Hogan and Nash should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed at how badly they’ve learned their chosen trade. Ashamed about using their political stroke to hold down their more talented and dedicated co-workers. Knowing a handful of moves apiece at this time in their careers, Hogan and Nash should be ashamed to even call themselves professional wrestlers.

Clocking in at combined move count of twelve (Hogan – 4, Nash-8), the WCW World Heavyweight Title – Retirement match was a complete mockery from the opening bell. Truth be told, I’ve watched indie bouts held in scuzzy strip joints that were better than this slop.

Nash and Hogan did what they do best. Nash fluffs his hair REAL good and Hogan is the master of striking muscleman poses. Clumsily whisking viewers back to the eighties, the match was scripted Hulk-A-Mania style. Nash exerted his power at the start hurling a stunned Hogan into a corner twice. As we’ve seen a million – zillion times before, Hogan got the upper hand on the third try shoving Nash back into the opposite corner.

After exerting so much energy it was time to kill what little momentum the match had gained. Nash squeezed Hogan’s folically-challenged melon with an expertly-applied headlock for about 62 hours. Hogan muscled Nash out of the ring breaking the hold. Frustrated at the obvious bad hair day he was having, “The Narcissist” Kevin Nash stood outside the ring fluffing his mane as Hogan stopped referee Nick Patrick’s count.

Next up, the always scintillating test of strength. Nash forces Hogan down to his knees. Hogan, cheered on by the crowd, fights back up to a standing position. Nash kneed and elbowed Hogan driving him into a corner. Digging into his vast arsenal of awe-inspiring wrestling moves, Nash punches, knees and chokes out Hogan with his big foot. Hogan takes an elbow to the head then dodges another. The Hulkster reverses Nash into the corner so he can lay in ten punches as the crowd counts each blow off to prevent themselves from falling asleep in their seats.

Nash takes a page out of the Roddy Piper Guide To Professional Wrestling poking Hogan in the eye with pin-point accuracy. A sidewalk slam scores Big Sexy a two count. Nash takes the Hulkster outside introducing his head to a metal light stand. Hogan blades and bleeds from a cut in his forehead.

Commentator Tony Schiavone says…”Kevin Nash has learned his craft.” Who are you kidding, Tony?

Returning to the ring, Nash guillotine legdrops Hogan over the bottom rope. Big Sexy hits Hogan with his own finishing move setter-upper – The Big Foot. The Hulkster gets Jack Knife Powerbombed. Hogan kicks out at two! Shaking like an epileptic having a seizure, Hogan “hulks-up” waving a disapproving finger in Nash’s face.

If you’ve ever observed ANY Hulk Hogan match, you know the rest by heart. Irish Whip. Big Foot. Hogan Legdrop. One. Two. Three. Hulk Hogan retains the WCW World Heavyweight Championship.

As per the pre-match stipulation, Kevin Nash must now retire from squared circle competition. In wrestle-talk that means Nash’s vacation was approved by the front office. Here’s a thought. Maybe Nash can do something practical with his time off like attend a wrestling school.

Reader’s Notes: Through Macho Man’s promo hyping the event, WCW promised to reveal the mysterious Hummer driver at Road Wild. Surprise. Surprise. WCW leaves another storyline dangling as nothing of the kind took place at the pay-per-view.

Check back on Monday for pics and video from the event.

  • The next WCW pay-per-view is Fall Brawl on September 12th.

    WCW Road Wild Results

    Insane Clown Posse, Vampiro Vs Rey Mysterio Jr., Eddie Guerrero, Kidman

  • Breakneck bout spotlighting each wrestler’s formidable skills.
  • ICP proves their tour of the indies and ECW has molded them into remarkably fine grapplers.
    : At ringside, Raven interferes frequently.
    : The match breaks down into a brawl. Kidman lands the Shooting Star Press on ICP member, Shaggy for the win.
  • Winners: Rey Mysterio Jr., Eddie Guerrero, Kidman at 12 minutes and 22 seconds .
  • Match Rating: 7 / 10.

    Bam Bam Bigelow, Kanyon (champions) Vs Harlem Heat (challengers) (WCW World Tag Team Title Match)

  • What the heck happened? It sure looked good on paper. A boring stallfest as the methodical Stevie Ray hogs most of the ring time.
  • At 12:47, Johnny Diamond…I mean…Diamond Dallas Page…climbs onto the ring apron. Bam Bam has his signals crossed running right into Page knocking him off the ring. Booker T Missile Drop Kicks Bigelow into orbit. A lackluster win for a great tag team.
  • Winners: …and new WCW World Tag Team Champions…Harlem Heat at 13 minutes and 8 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 2 / 10.

    Dean Malenko, Saturn, Shane Douglas Vs Curt Hennig, Barry Windham, Bobby Duncum Jr.

  • Schiavone shows his accomplished commentating skills by uttering “It’s broken down into a Pier Six brawl!”, a phrase that hasn’t been used since 1921.
  • As the Night Of The Living Tag Matches continues, Saturn spikes Duncum Jr. with the Death Valley Driver as everyone else brawls.
  • I hope the dough was worth it, Shane.
  • The Texas Red Necks beat on Malenko, Saturn and Douglas.
  • Winners: Dean Malenko, Saturn, Shane Douglas at 10 minutes and 46 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 3 / 10.

    The Cat Vs Buff Bagwell

  • Not a terribly good match but Miller’s antics are so darn funny. The Cat is a riot mocking the crowd and Bagwell. WCW has found its new Chris Jericho in Miller. He’s out there just having fun and it shows. Give him a belt already!
  • Ono holds a briefcase for Miller to throw Buff into. Buff shoves off Miller. The Cat hits the briefcase and Ono. Buff rolls up The Cat for the 1-2-3.
  • The Cat and Ono beat on Bagwell. Ono mimics Buff’s lame strut. Bah. Ha.
  • The Cat doesn’t dance? No James Brown impersonation? What gives?
  • Winner: Buff Bagwell at 7 minutes and 19 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 4 / 10.

    Diamond Dallas Page (challenger) Vs Chris Benoit (champion) (WCW United States Heavyweight Title – No DQ Match)

  • David Flair is gone bye-bye. Benoit is rewarded for his hard work. Life is good.
  • At 7:47, Diamond Dallas Page (or Johnny Diamond as we at SLAM! Wrestling call him) slaps around referee Charles Robinson relieving him of his belt. DDP whips and chokes out Benoit with the strap.
  • At 10:44, Kanyon interferes but is rammed into DDP. Douglas, Saturn and Malenko are shown watching the action backstage BUT they do nothing at all to help Benoit out. Bam Bam Bigelow sloppily splashes Benoit from the top rope.
  • Benoit Swan Dives DDP and against all odds, wins the match. Now Malenko, Saturn and Douglas come out to congratulate Benoit on a successful title defense.
  • Winner: …and still WCW United States Champion…Chris Benoit at 12 minutes and 22 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 7.5 / 10.

    Sting Vs Sid Vicious

  • In a shocker of the evening, a third in a series of Stinger Splashes is stopped when Sid grabs The Dark Warrior by the throat. Sid Chokeslams Sting pinning him. Mocking Goldberg, Sid (YKS) says to the camera…Who’s next?
  • Winner: Sid Vicious at 10 minutes and 39 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 6 / 10.

    Rick Steiner Vs Goldberg

  • Steiner removes Goldberg’s knee brace but fiddles endlessly with it as wraps it around his arm. The DFG beats Goldberg with it for the majority of the match.
  • Spear. Jackhammer Slam. Goldberg is victorious.
  • Winner: Goldberg at 5 minutes and 38 seconds .
  • Match Rating: 2 / 10.

    Macho Man Vs Dennis Rodman

  • The battle of the woman abusers.
  • Rodman says to Macho…Where’s my bitch? Where is she? Macho replies that by the end of the match, Rodman will be his bitch. Gee. How nice.
  • The match is officiated by about 95 refs as Rodman and Macho keep laying them out.
  • Savage takes out a photographer. He smashes the camera over Rodman’s head.
  • Macho puts Rodman into a porto-potty, closes the door and tips it over. Yech!
  • Rodman has a sleeper hold on Savage but the ref is out cold. Gorgeous George hands Macho a chain and crotch shots Rodman. Macho punches Rodman with the steel chain for the pin.
  • Winner: Randy Savage at 11 minutes and 26 seconds .
  • Match Rating: 3 / 10.

    Hulk Hogan (champion) Vs Kevin Nash (challenger) (WCW World Heavyweight Title Match)

  • Winner: …and still WCW World Heavyweight Champion…Hulk Hogan at 12 minutes and 18 seconds.
  • Match Rating: 1 / 10.
  • Total Event Time: 2 hours and 45 minutes.
  • Overall Event Rating: 4 / 10.