It’s Saturday night and it’s all right for fighting…maybe? Mostly we have Chris Jericho and Deonna Purrazzo talking about their upcoming matches ahead of AEW Revolution and in the Main Event, we have an eight-man tag match with Daniel Garcia, Hook, Trent Beretta, and Orange Cassidy facing Christian Cage’s Patriarchy.

In short, this Collision could have been an e-mail or a second hour of Rampage.

You can tell the bookers gassed out on this one before watching the show and all the energy is spent on the upcoming pay-per-view, but we will faithfully cover tonight’s show…with Haikus in Review™, and a limerick or two.

But let’s kick things off properly with a…

Rapid Rampage Review in Rhyme

*ahem*

Claudio Castagnoli gave Rugido a punt,

Lance Archer & The Righteous defeated some jobbers, to be blunt.

Riho won over Trish Adoram

And Magnus defeated Matt Sydal (and it was an exciting match…sorta).

The bookers on this Rampage were subpar, to be upfront.

Now it’s time for your…

AEW Collision 

We come to you from the Probst Arena at VBC in Huntsville, AL. Nigel McGuinness, Kevin Kelly, and Tony Schiavone have the call, and Buddy Matthews is coming out for his First Match.  Mark Briscoe has other ideas as he pulls him out of the ring, and the master of Red Neck Kung Fu is laying into the House of Black member with plunder aplenty.  Briscoe dives on Matthews on a table set up outside the ring and then pulls out a spike.  That brings out Brody King and Malakai Black and Briscoes fends them off briefly.  He returns to the spike but Matthews hits a running knee and drags him up to the ramp for a piledriver.  Briscoe escapes and throws him off the stage and he nails a crossbody.  Briscoe gets ahold of the pyro control and attempts to burn off Blacks face, but security pulls him off

Swerve Strickland is not sure what’s more upsetting: that his jacket was torn or that he let his guard down and allowed “Hangman” Adam Page to blindside him with the crutches. He won’t make the same mistake again and tells Samoa Joe he will be a historical figure in AEW once he beats him for the AEW World Heavyweight title.

Now let’s go back to the ring for the actual First Match of the Night, and it’s an…

Courtesy of AEW.

All-Star Eight-Man Scramble Qualifier: Penta El Zero Miedo vs. Dante Martin vs. Bryan Keith

These are great guys in the ring.  Too bad, this is your first Haiku In Review™:

*ahem*

High flying action

In three-way, but Martin proves

He is Top Flight.

Your Winner via Pinfall:  Dante Martin

Last week, “Hangman” Adam Page was interviewed, (heretofore christened “Not Magnum TA”) and he said he had to do it to prevent Strickland from being in the world title picture with him and Samoa Joe at AEW Revolution.

Next is women’s action between…

Mariah May vs. Angelica Risk

Before we go on, I would like to state the following:  I harbor no ill will towards May, and I believe she has worked hard and done a lot in STARDOM to capture the attention of All Elite Wrestling.  That said, that is not coming across in either her promos or her matches, especially the squashes.  I said it before and will die on this hill when I state that vanilla has more complexities than what I see from May’s performance.

Yes, I get this feels like “mansplaining” women wrestlers, and I get it.  If there is a woman who wants to vouch for my opinion (or give me a well-thought-out counterpoint), I welcome it.  As for the match, the only excitement is when McGuinness collapses after May blows him a kiss, and he sells the s*** out of it.

Anyway, instead of a squash recipe, here is a vanilla recipe that will be fun to try and more complex than this match, since…

That brings out “Timeless” Toni Storm who blows by May as she gets on the stick to call out Purrazzo.  I love the color/black-and-white imagery.

Storm cuts a promo and asks Purrazzo if she thinks this is worth it.  It boils down to this, according to Strom:  As long as she breathes she will never have the title. The Virtuosa provides the rebuttal and reminds The Timeless One that she is the best friend, as well as the worst enemy.  The best part is when Purrazzo says she hopes she has a bidet after she breaks both her arms.

Storm applies lipstick and plants one on her cheek and they come to blows. May inserts herself into the spat as Storm makes a break for it.  Luther is there to hold Storm back as Purrazzo sends a message locking eyes on the champ and delivering May a Storm Zero.

Now *THAT* is how you sell a match ahead of a PPV, ladies and gentlemen.

Next is the opposite of that promo as we have trios action with…

Courtesy of AEW.

Austin Gunn and The Acclaimed (Anthony Bowens and Max Caster, with Daddy Ass, Colten Gunn and Jay White) vs. The Dark Order (Alex Reynolds, John Silver, and Evil Uno)

Dasha messed up in the intros, announcing Colten instead of Austin.  Also, White didn’t let Caster give his rap intro.

The nerve. The audacity. The gumption.

Also, remember when The Dark Order was the big bad of AEW? Pepperidge Farms remembers.

And I remember it’s time for another Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Bang Bang Scissor Gang

Almost got beat. But Caster

And Bowens triumph.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  Austin Gunn and The Acclaimed

Lexy Nair is backstage with Willow Nightingale, Kris Statlander, and Stokely Hathaway and they will face Julia Hart and Skye Blue on the Zero Hour portion of Revolution. Hathaway tries to put a hand on Statlander, who keeps brushing him off (boundaries, yo!) and he says it’s about accountability, and everyone needs to take their part in Statlander’s loss on this past Dynamite.  Nightingale isn’t having that and makes it clear at Zero Hour they will kick their ass.

Schiavone in the ring with Wardlow about his presence in the eight-man scramble for a shot at the AEW World title. Talks about finally getting his shot after beating the other “all-stars.” Everyone’s in his spot and yadda yadda yadda who’s next?  

(Oops, I pulled a Goldberg.  Or is it a Gillberg?  Whatever)

This was almost as vanilla as a May promo, and before I can find a Vanilla recipe for Wardlow, out comes the Demo God Chris Jericho to show “Mike” how it’s done, and I’m just gonna let y’all watch.

Nair is backstage with Serena Deeb on her undefeated streak.  The Professor of Professional Wrestling states no one has really challenged her yet. She then calls out anyone to step into Deeb’s Dojo and she’ll prove why she’s the final boss.

We go back to the ring with tag team action between…

Courtesy of AEW.

Private Party (Isaiah Kassidy and Marq Quen) vs. Christopher Daniels and Matt Sydal

Yup, time for another Haiku in Review™:

*ahem*

Is this that kind of

Party? ‘Fraid so, and Jarrett

Plus Lethal spoil it.

Your Winners via Pinfall:  Private Party

After the match, Jarrett and company gesture (broadly) that Quen and Kassidy are now part of their group, and you can just hear the Alabama crowd going mild.

We get a Kingston/Danielson vignette ahead of Revolution and how this is all built on respect more than the Continental Championship.  This is the sleeper match of the night, and you don’t want to miss this.

We have more women’s action as its time for…

Thunder Rosa vs. Cassandra Golden

The highlight was Kelly trying to make the six degrees of separation between Cassandra Golden with Alabama wrestling promoter Bill Golden, the father of Jimmy Golden, a.k.a Bunkhouse Buck.  As much as I love La Mera Mera, this is mostly a squash match, so try this easy Calbacitas recipe

The end comes as Rosa nails a double stomp to Golden, and cinches a Cobra Clutch/Caballero variation for the quick tap out victory

Your Winner via Submission:  Thunder Rosa

We get a recap from this past AEW Dynamite of The Young Bucks trying to sneak attack on Sting/Allin

We’re now at the *sigh* Main Event as Daddy Magic joins at commentary, and it is an eight-man tag match between…

Courtesy of AEW.

Orange Cassidy, Trent Beretta, Hook, and Daniel Garcia vs. The Patriarchy (Christian Cage, Killswitch, Roderick Strong, and Brian Cage)

This feels longer for some reason, but I’m nearly tapped out if I’m gonna be honest.  So let’s get this over with a Limerick of The Ring™:

*ahem*

A simple match quickly turns bad for Garcia and Beretta

And they try to find a tag on their side (with no luck) and they are sans panacea.

The match devolves into a Pier Sixteen as everyone brawl

As the ringside is left with bodies all sprawled,

But Nick Wayne interferes as Kill switch choke slams for the win (leaving me feeling ‘meh’).

Your Winners via Pinfall:  Christian Cage, Brian Cage, Roderick Strong, and Killswitch

After the match, the beatings keep on as Daddy Magic tries to save Garcia, but Killswitch choke slams on the chair for his troubles as the show goes to the credits.

Top Photo:  Deonna Purrazzo and “Timeless” Toni Storm cutting promos amid a lackluster AEW Collision show ahead of the AEW Revolution PPV.

AEW Collision (And Rampage) - 03/01-02/2024
2.5

Final Thoughts:

 

Again, the matches could’ve been an e-mail or not existed at all, and they could have used the time to showcase Sting’s contributions since he started wrestling up to what’s to be expected at the Revolution PPV.

The only things that made the show bearable were the promos by Purrazzo/Storm, and Jericho showing Wardlow how to deliver a first-class promo.

In any case, Slam! has you covered this Sunday, and we’ll see you at the AEW Revolution PPV!